The Maia and Ross Diaries 2

C61 - All Too Well

"Be kind to yourself and avoid judging yourself for your emotions. Try to pay attention to what you're feeling, and spend time with people who are positive and uplifting." I was scared to further react until I did and everything I'd been keeping together with tape and glue began to fall a part. "No!" It was that loud and simple, my heart beat bigger than reason. I couldn't control the yell. I didn't feel reason anymore, I felt anger and heartbreak and infamy.

My heart beating faster, but my life falling into fire that with a little corrupted imagination could be seen.

They could all see me, vulnerable.

"Many emotional challenges will lessen or go away as you move through cancer treatment. Your sense of hope and confidence can increase with time." "No!"

In the end it wasn't hearing that I would be dying that scares me but the pain it would leave when they called Ross to tell him. If I don't wake up in the morning I will know nothing of it. My affairs are in order, my husband and children are as provided for as they are ever going to be.

I knew I had an army of friends committed to raising them like besotted aunts. Right? I had to think about them before I could grasp the ultimate terror of the news; I had to think about my family. I grieved for the loss of life I would... should have had with them months ago, I cried until my eyes ran dry and my chest heaved violently. I'm not over it, and instantly knew the moments before the news; I knew it was the final and last time that I ever got to feel relief again.

I'm not over hearing the words. The words splinter inside me causing more pain than the cancer.

Perhaps if I scream and scream for pain medication I can get an overdose, I can pass out and forget. My thoughts and feelings are so compacted that I have to be restrained to the patient bed and I can hear the voice.

"Maia! Stop!"

I could hear myself sob fighting to get out of the grip he placed on my wrist. He hoaxed me against the hospital bed tighter to prevent me from getting back up, and I wanted to push him off so intentionally that he felt the pain I felt.

I shouldn't have come to the doctor. This morning I was happy. I got out of bed, happy. And now I'm here. How did I get here!

❝ Sometimes people are not sure what to say when they learn you have cancer. Even as they try to offer support, some might say or do things that hurt your feelings or offend you.❞

"Stop it!" Ross was stronger than me, and I let him be while giving up and raising my hands down to the grasp of his. The bitterness is rising like bile into my mouth and when he's gone I'll have no reason to swallow it anymore.

❝ Because of their own fears, they may not know the best way to help you with your illness.❞

He took it upon himself to hold me down against my will and I wanted to bite him just to be mean. Hurt him, but I never found myself to do it, it would just make me look even more insane than I already was. It would make me look like a victim even if I assaulted him, I shouldn't. He's never hurt me.

This is how my Mom felt. She kept it together, so can I. I can do that for her. I deeply still wanted him to get off of me and leave now. But slowly I adjusted to his weight pressing against me evenly, still I wanted him to know what it was like to be isolated and scared with cancer.

I know he's known pain just as much as me, and he's probably broken that he has discovered what I have. But I'm actually going to be medicated and my body is going to be shrill when I die. And he was here like any other time, he promised to be here and he was. I just couldn't bring myself to want him here.