The Maia and Ross Diaries 2

C34 - Love, Nina

Nina

Everybody sees me as that one thing. Everyone's opinion is different. My best friend Maia see's me as a one night stand. Someone to be there for her only when she needs it but she does love me as much as I love her. But you know, best friends are not always the way they are in the shows. 

Allie, see's me as this failure that doesn't run her fashion company or do anything with her life. The girl who Austin dumped... for a male.

I haven't told anybody but I haven't eaten much since then. Since I found out he was gay, but I had to wake up every morning and live. I've tried to eat, but it's not Austin as much I'm not living over. It's what's in my head. I tell myself get it out Nina, let it go ...

I just can't eat without admitting to myself that I just do not care. Every time I lift up a hamburger, fries, all what I'm used to eating it just stays in my hand because there's some thing in my stomach that urges me away from it. It's like all of the sudden... eating is some thing I can't do. I did try to lose weight. I threw up. But nobody actually knew or cared enough to just say "Have you been eating?," "Did you lose weight?"

I didn't eat for three days because I was lonely. And those days became a month. And then I just got skinny, and everyday was a day I just drank water... or maybe I didn't.

We all want to look beautiful, and even more, feel beautiful.

For some of us, it's having an hourglass figure, but for others it's weighing less than what would be a healthy weight.

We are all bombarded with media. For women it may be the fashion industry, modeling agencies, the commercials on television, the gorgeous actresses. And for men, it may be the guy at the gym... A lot of us see them and want to be like them. Not pretty enough, not thin enough; just not enough. My condition is different. 

My parent's don't even know about me, but it is my fault more than there's since they still live in Jacksonville. Distance. They wouldn't really focus on my weight but my job. They still have high standards for me even after school... and once they found out Austin and I broke up, my parents seemed to distance themselves away.

I felt so alone... I wanted to come to them...

 When I go out with Als I talk, a lot, a lot, of talking and I just basically poke the food at a pace where it looks like I've eaten it... but I haven't; I've lied and the food is cut up where it appears to be eaten... and I just finish with a "I'm full." It's unfortunate, really because there are children everywhere who can't eat rather by cruelty acts and soviet rules and I'm not eating because I don't put in the effort. I don't try. But I am here. I'm here for everyone but myself. I'm there if they call or if they don't call, I feel, I care just a little bit to much, and nobody cares that much about you. Because you're totally fine, absolutely. Fantastic. Lovely. Sometimes I'd tell myself I'm okay. I repeat it like a mantra. I'm okay, I'm okay. Because I'm afraid if I stop, even for a moment. I will drown in all the reasons I am not. Totally fine. Absolutely; Fantastic & lovely.  Sure men want me in there bed and they want to know my number more than they want to know me. But that would stop as soon as I got a little skinnier.
People keep fighting about the same things until it breaks them apart. 

But who cares. 

It's really none of anyone's business anyway. All to myself. I just don't see anything the way I use to. 

With Ross being missing I knew my best friend really needed me the most so I stayed with her for a night with Sam and Hailey who came late from looking for a apartment. Hailey decided college was not her thing and she took off from it. I admire her.