The Maia and Ross Diaries 2

C44 - Warriors Don't Cry

Yesenia

I'm tired of being sad.

Why can't I just be thinner and pretty, and grateful? I'm tired of everyday opening my eyes to the same exact things. Wanting more... expecting more and getting nothing. When our actions say what words never can, when we get it right, 'I'm sorry' is perfect.

I try to not miss Nick.

Sad but rad, because Nick is the rad and sad part about it all.

Fuck feelings, fuck my childhood, and fuck Nick and his hands. But I'm always feeling and it's not helping my need to stop thinking about which lane I'm in between Josh Dun and Tyler Josephine. Because they'd probably kick me out of their lanes. How much of a normal teen I want to be. How sex with Josh Dun would feel... but no. I am forced to deal with what I truly believe because there is no distraction to the pain I feel.

Recently I've been feeling very alone in life and it doesn't really make sense because I have people and family I can talk to... Not the family your thinking of because they've run away from me. They've caused the most damage. My friends are my family now. But I've just been feeling very alone and it's been effecting my days. And I'm trying to figure out how to get past this awful feeling, I'm so tired of being sad and feeling so alone all the time, it's not a healthy way to live.

I just don't want to become my own worst enemy...

So today I've decided that I'm making amends... I'm helping people who have it worse. Something tells me I don't have any amends to make though because I haven't really wronged anyone. They all have wronged me. 

I'm tired. So sick and tired of it.

Visiting

I tread eager all the way to Austin's beach house in sneakers. And it is so different now, I know this much. You could hear all my footsteps - my every motion because of the quiet. Last time I was here all there was, was noise of beer and banners being placed on bar tables and friends trying to help friends. I was a part of that.

Now I can see dust in the house and there is one curtain open, and so is the front door. It felt like an invasion to just walk in like I did. But who cares.

I really want to respect Austin's privacy, because he needs it so much - so just leave him. If somebody I loved for even a short while had died, I don't think I'd be ready to face the world. It's been a week since Riker died and I haven't even cried... I mostly sat in shock wondering, why him? Why Riker?

I thought one day that if I could have one last day on earth, what would I do to prevent somebody else important to me from getting hurt?

But I know that I should try. And if not I'd go back to my foster home and eat Macaroni, give up. Trying was important for others because at least you weren't thinking about yourself... "Austin?"

I walked into the grimy bedroom confused, but aware of the head of hair I saw hiding behind the wide bed. The sheets we're hanging to the ground, you noticed the smell was like an unauthorized plate of food gone rotten and worse picture frames literally broken.

I stood there for a minute trying to suck it up. I didn't want my emotions to get the best of me on my trip of trying to make other people feel better. I wanted to send a message that I was here for them...