The Maia and Ross Diaries 2

C67 - 1'58

"It took me a long time to find him. A long time. And even then it took me a long time to even know that I wanted him. To be married, to be his wife, to have his kids. And now when I realized that, he's had two other kids with this girl I went to high school with, and I have Cancer. I mean, I've dealt with the big stuff. At this point, I probably could say he has done worse. But I never thought I'd sleep with someone else when I was with him because I loved him more than anything - and he crushed my heart, again, repeatedly, again. It hurt so bad, I thought I would die." I told my therapist, in the cold contours of her office, I still told her everything with a smile.

"When did you know you fell in love with him, then?"

There was almost no thought into my answer because I knew that, if I were to ever know anything else, I knew why I loved my husband. You'd think I would have forgotten what love is after all this time.

"Ross was leaving for New York when we were going to school in Jacksonville, and I thought that was what I wanted, for him to go - at the time but I didn't. I went after him at his airport and he told me about his abusive Father and his clearly scared and ill Mother. I thought my heart would leap out of my chest when I realized he wasn't just the image of the bad boy everybody paraded him around to be, including me. He was just a boy. I didn't care if he was broken or bad at that time, I cared about him as a person and not a player ... I saw him for who he was for the first time. That's when I fell in love with him."

"That must've been such a great feeling for you." Destiny smiled back at me.

"It was ... I thought I had found the person I would spend the rest of my life with after that. I thought I had forever," I nodded slowly looking at her shoes from across the room. I held my head up again and grinned. I felt the crinkles by my eyes.

"You don't feel that way anymore? Because, that's normal. Sometimes the romance will be a little dead and life will come in between you. But after reading your file, I'd say you're making the right decision by keeping space between you two until you find some common ground to walk on together... But sleeping with Damon was-"

"Slutty?" I shrugged. "Ugh, I know ... I know. I cheated my forever, didn't I?"

Destiny gave me a equally sad look back, one that I was eventually giving her. "I know you must've felt like you had to get back at Ross for sleeping with Laura, and I can't imagine what it had to take for you to not burn him into flames when you found out she had his kids. You had all this anger and Damon was there for you." She sturdily confirmed with every word. I nodded. "Damon was there and now I'm here." I added.

"Did Damon mean more to you than sex?"

All I did was look to the side, anxious about what I might say. The butterflies Ross used to give me turned to dust after I slept with Damon. Damon surely didn't refill those butterflies but he gave me something I hadn't had in a while. It wasn't about the sex. It was about the conversation and the chick lit romance and being his princess for that night. Although that was the most annoying part of it all I still felt like I was chosen. I didn't feel uncomfortable in my own skin. "I care about Damon. I almost died with him ... and he stayed after that, and he kept remodeling my home. He showed up everyday. I don't love him or anything... but-"

"But you care." Destiny nodded.

"I think maybe if I was just completely heartless... this wouldn't be hard, but I'm not. My heart repairs after so many terrible things. I always come back. I always play Mom, right. I love my kids. I love my friends because they're my family. I want to be with Ross and love him again, but I don't think my heart is ready to be less when it feels like it will fill up again. He doesn't understand that. He understands the word, sorry."