The Maia and Ross Diaries 2

C38 - Speak

"They touched me, at first," He paused.

I'd wanted him to finally just come out with it but I could see how hard it was for him to remember what he went through. I wasn't in his shoes, how could I force him to remember something so traumatic? It hadn't been my place no matter how much I cared, I would wait until he was ready. "They said they just wanted pirated copies of my music but..." His eyes went blank as he starred out at the wall behind me.

Holding his hand on our messily sheered bed, I figure this is the morning where he doesn't have to keep his agony a secret anymore. He could open up to me and not be afraid... "I didn't want to kiss you, or hold you, because of what happened to me there. The guys..." Ross paused and sniffed, his eyes becoming red. He tried to hold back his tears edging his head up to the ceiling, sighs of grief escaping his lips as I watch carefully. I couldn't even let him say what I had pieced together. It was so much for him.

"You don't have to say what they did."

Ross looked back down at me. I watch him fall apart hoping I can prevent it... but I can't prevent everything. I just can't and I think that's the first stanza I needed to realize in order to start being happy again.

"It happened." Ross said with cracks of hostility.
"I know." I nodded, blinking away. I feel actual guilt. A sinister feeling crawls upon me every night that I was sleeping when I could've been asking for help to find Ross; at least more than I had. All that time I was in one piece, he finally wasn't. It kills me that I couldn't be there for him like he always is when I'm the one down in the depths or when I'm screaming bloody help over, and over. I could shut up. I could be brave. "You can't change it."

"I want to." Ross cries.

"I love you," I say taking his cheek. "I love you know matter what happens or unfairly happened to you. Okay? Eat, drink, and sleep everyday now and do it all over again, it won't be different. This has happened and it's a terrible feeling... But we've got you now, and we'll do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable again." I say, knowing the feeling of being attacked. "I know it won't be easy but I love you..."

There are so many moments I could go back in my life and just cry about them because they are humiliating and horrifying that if I go back to far I may just crash. Now I'm just concerned about the people around me. I feel for more people, I can help them.

My brain is not a siren anymore, no longer a call that makes me cringe and cry and then begin to shout why me? What did I possibly do to deserve it? Or just that empty feeling that I get. After talking a good deal of it gets better I began to realize, it doesn't.

This is real life.

You have to make it better. "I'm so sorry." I say with the same tempestuous tone in my throat. It whispers I've been there.

Ross just stares at me as I reach out to hug him, but instead he takes my arms and pulls me into a kiss. I'm shocked, my heart began to beat loudly, it feels like my chest might falter. I smile.

Ross

Journal

Putting the pen down I wonder what I'll write. The only page I'd written on was the first one. It reads Dear, New Journal Maia forced me to buy a new journal... so I just thought I'd put a few words in. I love my wife; follows in conclusion... I know that feelings we're supposed to be a chick thing for the longest time but I said fuck it. I'm having a lot of em. I don't know where to start and I certainly don't know what to say in between... I feel like I've lost my voice.

It hurts to write.

The cuts on my arm from the thugs are like new coating on my skin. I feel as if I should take a long nap until I heal... I could just put my shirt on but it irritates my skin more so I just leave it off.