Of course I'll be fine, I'm always fine. But we have to fight, because it's just us now. There were five of us and now it's just you and I and it can't be just me. It can't be. I will go down swinging for you, Ross. You know I will. But that means y...
It is always occurring ... in rushes of heart ache and depths of pain. It could be when you are standing in a sea of people or when you're all alone with no one. You just feel like you are the middle of everything as time goes by, sometimes ... in the corner while everybody else is in the center. It's so many examples of the dereliction. The middle child. The middle friend. The average student who can never get it right no matter how much they endeavor. In everything you go through, you'd be the last resort in someone's need for help. Someone's second choice.
There's this theory that the middle child of families are the most emotional because of the expectations they face of having to get it all right or not get it right at all. There's always something to improve or avoid improving. Rather it is us as people or what we put out into the world toward other people.
Things stop its motions. Routines change. If you don't want to be in the middle anymore, you usually try to do something about that. You try to be seen and break the expectation of being perfect. You try. But not everyone can describe how they feel inside when they're always pushed to background.
I can't tell you enough or even remember how many times I've felt unimportant. The Malcolm in The Middle. It's exhausting, and it's lonely. All you have is yourself and sometimes that's not even enough. Imagine how hard it is for some people to wake up every morning of everyday and fight that feeling.
But they do, anyway.
Hospital
The hospital wasn't cold this time, it was like walking through a breeze and remembering exactly how it felt against your skin. Ross, Dana and I had to tell the Nurse we had been family to Laura. It was the only way they would let us in and I really didn't care if we'd gotten caught for lying. I had to see her.
When we stood in the door of Laura's residing room, that's when it seemed to hit me harder. How real it was to know again that Laura had a problem that we'd all forgotten about - and I don't know how we could be her family after I kicked her to the curb and caused this...
She was awake when we came in. It was no turning back now, it was just facing it. Responsibility.
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Ross grabbed my hand and laid a kiss on my temple before leaving as I watched Dana run over to hug Laura. A loud sigh came from Dana's lips as Laura struggled to hug her back. She was hooked up to almost four different machines that I had gotten so tired of seeing with the Chemotherapy I was doing at the times I'd come to the hospital. And her wrists were bandaged.
I didn't know how else to react. I've been here before. This old gone and back again silence menaced through my throat and I felt reserved for the day.Like I'd lost today. It never really, truly evacuates does it? No matter how you word it. Silence is silence.
