A fate worse than death~~A Finnick Odair story~~

11. I promise

I feel like I've gone crazy. I can no longer tell the difference between day and night, I only see that sometimes the sun is shining and sometimes it's black. I now live only for the fishing trips, that's the only time of the day when I feel safe, I have a knife firmly in my hand and Jamie beside me. But soon that too will be over and I have to realize it. I have to see the truth. The fact that, despite all ods, it could ultimately be me versus Jamie. In any case, I must once again come to terms with the idea that I will not leave this arena alive.

But I don't say that. I don't say anything. Instead I smile, I fish and I hum some tunes when I get lonely. Because if I show how crazy I'm becoming, how little sense I have left, then it's over, then I'm already dead.

So when Jamie asks me if I want to go fishing with him later, I do as I've taught myself.
I smile, nod and answer yes.

To enny outsider I look calm and composed, but inside me, inside me my mind is like a stormy sea, waves of paranoia, insecurity and fear as big as mountains are tossed around and almost drown the little boat that is now my sanity . The passengers who was my conscience and my faith in humanity have long since been thrown overboard and drowned in the storm.

In the end, nothing but the dark water will remain, but then, then I hope I'm dead.

~~~

"Lizzy are you coming?"
"Hmm? Where are you going?"
"To the stream, to fish."
"Ohhh, right, right, yes I am."
I smiled at him and he crawled out with me soon after.

"Soooo..."
"So?"
"What is your favorite color?"
Why did he want to know.
But I didn't say that, I didn't say anything.

"Okay, mine is blue, blue like Sara's eyes."
Before I could stop myself, the question slipped out.
"Who is Sara?"
"She's my fiancée, or she will be as soon as I get out of here."
So you think you're getting out of here.

"Do you have someone waiting for you at home?"
"Jamie, I'm 12!"
"Yeah, but I kind of meant family!"
"Ohh, yeha, I have my mother, my father and my broth--."
"Your brother?"
"Yes..."
"Ian right?"
"Yes, Ian Whitmore."
"You mentioned him."
"Right..."
"I have a family too. No siblings, but a mother and a father, they run the bakery back home, you know by the--."

"Please Jamie can we not!!"
"Not what, I'm just trying to get to know you..."
"Yeah and that's the problem! I don't want you to feel guilty if you have to kill me, and quite frankly I don't want to either!!"
"Jeze, oket sorry didn't mean to---."
"I know and I'm sorry! I'm just just....The games aren't for making friends!!"
"Lizzy, it's okay I won't ask any more." "Tha, thank you."

He smiled a little. But I could see sadness in hes eyes, a sadness he refused to agnolegs. But then we continued the rest of the way in silence, silence because he didn't talke enny more and I didn't dare to start a new pointless diskussion.
But I couldn't help feeling guilty. Jamie had only been trying to get to know me and I had brushed him off worse than I needed to.

Maybe I was afraid of what would happen if we were the last two left, or maybe I was going crazy, but one thing was sertan, I shouldn't have been so hard on him.

"Hey, if you want to go get a drink or something, I can go fishing."
I jumped at the path as he spoke. Unknowingly I had grown accustomed to the silence and the sudden sound of a voice had startled me.
"Sure, thanks."
"No problem."

I walked away from him to drink. I must edmit I wasn't that thirsty, but if I understood correctly, this was Jamie's kind way of telling me that he needed to be alone, and that I understood as well as respected.

I knelt by the stream and cupped my hands. The water was as cold and refreshing as the first time, as all the other times, but all my thoughts clouded the feelings somewhat. I couldn't stop thinking if I had been too hard on Jamie, what if he hated me now and would break of our aloans. What if, what if, what if. So menyn what ifs and no answers.

Therefore, I reacted far too late when some twigs snapped behind me and a hand grabbed my head.
All that escaped me was a small short scream before my head was pushed under the surface of the water.

It would be so easy to just give in, let my lungs fill with water and slowly, slowly end the games. Such a fitting way for the girl from District Four to die, drowning. One of the few tributes that could swim and I died of drowning. Not today. I struggled and fenced with arms and legs, but to no avail. Only when the blind holding me was ripped away could I throw my head up and gasp for air.

My lungs stung as the oxygen reached them, and I was almost sure I was going to throw up water at any moment, but all thoughts vanished when I saw what was unfolding before me.

Jamie was ingaged in a knife fight with another tribute.

"For goodness sake Triwe, she's only 12!"
"Yeah and when I'm done with you she'll be an easy kill!"
They spat words at each other through stabs and gasps.

"Run Elizabeth!!"
My focus was once again fully on Jamie as he shouted my name, but I couldn't understand what he was saying.
"Run!"
But I couldn't, I was physically incapable of running, it was as if my lages were stuck in the ground and all I could do was watch as my ally, no my friend fought for his life.

Then I saw it, the blood on the ground. I didn't know whose it was, but with it it was as if the spell that held me was lifted, but instead of running away, I ran towards the two boys. I pulled the knife out of my pocket and, whit all my forse, puched it into Triwe's back.

Almosed emideatly he became limp, he just fell into a pile on the ground ,and just seconds after a cannon was fired.

All I could do was look at my shaking hands, gone was Triwe with my knife in his back and gone was Jamie, there was just me and the horrible thing I had just done, the horrod action shown on my blood spattered hands.

"Elizabeth?"
Through the panic that lay like a thick fog over my mind, I could hear Jamie's voice. Only that it didn't sound like him. Slowly I let my gaze wander over to him, just in time to see the young man fall to the ground with a large crimson stain spreading across his sute.

"Jamie!"
I was at his side in a second, panic on my face, but in his there was only calm.
"Take my knives."
"What?!"
When I proved incapable of doing what he asked, he himself slowly picked up the three knives and placed them in my lap. The pain sat in his eyes and he was so pale, so incredibly pale.

"No Jamie, you need them!"
"I won't have any use for them where I'm going."
"Jamie no don't say that, we, we have everything in the cave we just have to get to the ca---."
"Elizabeth please."
His voice was so low, almost inaudible.
"Can you promise me one thing?"
"No, no, think of Sara, you're going to get engaged!"

He smiled at me, so kind, almost reassuring if it hadn't been for the situation.
"Elizabeth, please promise me--."
He winced at the pain.
"I"ll promise you ennything, everything just stay!"
I came closer to hear what he said, it was so very low, barely a whisper, but as if gathering his last strength he said.
"Can you promise me that? Tell her."

I squeezed his hand and nodded, tears now flowing like rivers down my cheeks.
"So go now, get to safety."
But then I shook my head.
"I'll stay, you won't have to di....You won't be alone."
He smiled and squeezed my hand, not having enough strength to form the words.

So we sat there. Both silent, both incapable of uttering even a word. Then, after a few seconds, minutes or hours, the cannon went off and I cried silently for Jamie.

Jamie who hade been nothing but kind to me. I sat there for a moment, before stuffing the knives into the pockets of my suit and slowly closing his eyes. Then I gave him a light kiss on the forehead and whispered, just so he could hear.
"I promise."

So I went back to the cave, alone and bloody. Thought none of the blood was mine. I knew only one thing, I couldn't die now, I couldn't let Jamie down.