A fate worse than death~~A Finnick Odair story~~

49. Before it went to shit

You know that feeling when everything is wonderful, you are with a fantastic persion, surrounded by friends and everything, should be great. But it really isn't, is it?
No. Because there's something, something that you keep pushing in front of you, something that you just don't want to admit, not even to yourself.

And that something ladies and gentlemen was the up and coming lottery between life and death.

We had promised each other not to mention it whit a word. We would not condescend to give it even a thought. Instead, Finnick and I had spent the days on our way to new islands on his boat. In the absence of being able to have a honeymoon, we had instead done this, because of course it was risky. Yes, if anyone found out that the beautiful Finnick Odair and the engaged Elizabeth Whitmore were spending every waking moment together, oh boy we sure were screwed, but then again, what if no one found out.
Because not even President Snow wasn so crazy that he had cameras on every single island around entire district fuor. Was he?

"Lizzy, darling, you're in your head again."
Finnick's loving voice and worried look pulled me back to reality.
"Hmm? Ohh sorry love."
"There's absolutely no harme done, but where on earth are you floating off to all the time?!"
I bit my lower lip, not sure if I should tell.
"Darling, is everything okay?"
"Oh yeah, it's just that, just that we said we wouldn't talk about it......" "Ohh, it's--."
He cut himself off halfway through and I gave him an affirmative nod. "But if you want to talke about it, if you need to, I didn't know it bothered you so much."
At his words, it was as if a pent-up anger inside me that I didn't even know I had finally came out.

"You didn't know your maybe death bothered me!!"
"Elizabeth, we both know there won't be enny maybes…"
"How can you say that!! How can you just give up, just like that, give up on us!!"
"And what would you like me to do!! The arena will be packed with victors and we both know for sure that they won't lett two people win again!!" "Why don't you just--."

I interrupted myself when it dawned on me, but Finnick finished the sentence.
"Try?"
"I'm so sorry."
Tears had formed in my eyes at the horrible realization of what I was asking him to do. There couldn't be two victors, not again. So I sat here and basically asked him to kill Annie or Mags, or me.
I was a terrible persion!!
But as if he read my mind he said.

"It won't be you."
"How can you be so sure?"
I anserd, almosed automaticly, all anger emidiatly gone away.
"The capital loves you."
"The capital loves all victord, and look what they did..."
"But not all victories are promised to the President's grandson."
He was right, a smale glance down at my left ring finger only confirmed it.

"God I wish I'd just thrown the god damne thing in the creek when I got it!!"
"No."
"What do you mean no!! We both know whose ring should be on that finger!!"
"Be as it will, but that ring has bought you safety.
And before you interrupt me, it's the best thing that could happen to us."

If only it had been protection the ring gave me. I was sure it would protect me from the games, Finnick was right about that, but it also meant something else. A marriage with a facking monster. A man who wouldn't hesitate for a second to discipline me, as long as it wasn't in my beautiful face, as long as people could still see and envy me.
After all, he had done it before. What's to say he wouldn't do it again.

But I didn't say any of that to Finnick. Just the thought that he found comfort in the fact that he thought I was safe made it worth it. There wasn't much I could give this man, but false security, I had plenty of that. That and love.

I had realized a long time ago that a relationship with someone I actually loved would be life-threatening. And then, when I lost Ian, it had broken me. You see, grief is a strange feeling, it never goes away, but sometimes you can almost forget it's there, a bit like love.
Exactly as love actually.

Because in my life I had realized that the two always went hand in hand. Grief and love two peas in a pot, but was it suppose to be like that?
Hell if I knew!!

But something scared me, it was that as strong a love as I felt for my brother, the love that burned and almost destroyed me when grief came  knocking, I now felt it for Finnick. And not just Finnick either, but also Mags, Annie, Melinda, Sara, yes all of them!!

They had become my family, and even though it might be a different kind of love, it could burn just the same.

But then I came up with something else, the thought of someone finding us out was nerve-racking, but so was the thought of living without him, without any of them!! I was pretty sure that even under torture I wouldn't be able to tell when it happened, it kind of just happened, maybe I realized how much they loved me after Ian's funeral, maybe before, maybe not even before Finnick stood down the rink in front of me, but one thing I was sure of. There was nothing the capital could do to take that love away, you can't just erase love, but the thought of them npgonsin hurting someone I loved, if they realized that, then they would hold all the power!! Because, for those I loved, for its safety, then I would do anything.

It's a scary thing, loving.
One moment it's there, and the next poof.

But that doesn't stop us, at least it doesn't stop me. I've loved many times over, but when you find your love, your true love, the one you spend the rest of your life with, that's it. It's a completely different kind of lover then before, yet you could never again live without it.