A fate worse than death~~A Finnick Odair story~~

50. When it went to shit

For a victor, lottery day never feels good. But this year, this year I was pretty sure that everyone was dying inside. Some names didn't need to be drawn to know they would be in, Kattniss and Finnick for example, they had gone all this time knowing they would most likely die, why you might wonder? Well because they were the only female or male victor in their district, and therefore, also the only appropriate tributes.

But we weren't stupid, we had started training. Was that alowed, no, but if everyone in both one and two did it, well, let's just say we refused to go out whitout a fight. Mags had refreshed my hook making skills, and I, in returne, hade helped her whit her knife throwing. The only one who at first flatly refused to join our little training sessions was Annie, but even she eventually gave in, but she refused to used, still woulden't even hold a knife, everything but the knife was okey.
So no one forced her to, after all, she was still training.

But we all knew that no training in the world could save us from this day. I had known it when I went to bed, had known it when I was awake, when I was getting ready and now, when I was sitting at my kitchen island trying to force down a single loaf of bread.
I was unsucsessfull.

So I sat there, with the bread in my hand, just waiting for the time to tick away. And when it finally did, I took one last look in the hall mirror before closing and locking the front door behind me for perhaps the last time.
Ever.

I went in silence. Eventually I caught up with Annie and Mags, but neither of us said anything. So in our silence I let my mind wander. They changed the last time I went like this, when I was sure that it wouldn't be my name that was drawn, but now I wasn't so sure anymore. My mind drifted to Finnick, but I quickly pulled my thoughts away to something else.

If I started thinking about him and his fate, maybe what he felt, then I was almost sure I wouldn't be able to continue. We had reached the center of the district. The scene looked the same as always, two fishbowls, the only difference was all the people. The murmuring that arose, not from those waiting to be drawn, but from all those standing outside, all just watching. I was seized with a sudden anger. The feeling of just wanting to yell, scream and yell at them that it should be them in here, not me, not us!! We had already done this once, we had survived!!
Everything was just so, so damn unfair!!

But deep down I knew I never would. Instead, I fixed my gaze on my feet and stepped into place. I had comfortable shoes, shoes that would fit if I needed to run, or fight. Why I didn't know, maybe it was my subconscious, a last attempt to give me some kind of mack, a chance to escape. But it was too late to escape now. A single tear made its way down my cheek as I thought about the difference.

The difference between me now and then. Then I'd been so sure, almost just happy to wear a nice dress, my only goal to comfort Melinda, but now, now I'd unconsciously dressed for battle, in trousers and blouse, beautiful but deadly, nevertheless I almost now felt strangely at ease. My name would not be drawn, Cory would never allow it, no I knew what awaited my fate, maybe it was worse than anything the games could ever throw my way, but at least I knew who was waiting for me, on good and bad.
Right?

You know what, the more I thought about it I realized that I was absolutely not at peace!! Sure I knew Cory was my future, but I also knew what Jan could do, for God's sake he was just like his grandfather!! I was probably dead anyway!!
Wow, whait a second when was this agreead, and when did I agree to it!!
Thinking a litle closer I was like 99 procent shore I never did, so when Evernis began to speak, it was as if a small part of me had already decided my fate, all I had to do was wait.

"Ladies and gentlemen, hello and welcome!!"
Of course no one answered her, she knew no one would. So almost immediately after she started her speech, I recognized it, barely listened because I knew what was coming, that's why she caught me off guard when she suddenly, out of no where said.
"You know what, I think we're mixing things up a bit!! Let's start with the men!"
She sounded excited, almost happy, had I been in the audience with all the others I might have believed her game, but I knew this woman, and the look in her eyes told me she was suffering with him as she fished the very name out of the bowl.
"This year's male tribute from District 4 will be, Finnick Odair."
Of course it was, no noe was surprised. Still, it hurt me when Finnick stepped onto the stage with a big smile, no one said a word.

He looked proud to be able to once again repricent our district, so proud that I had to wonder if it was only I who could see through his mask, but my wonder was cut short. Evernis had moved over to our bowl and put her hand down, moving it aruond the three notes and grabbig one.

I held my breath as she pulled up the note and unfolded it
"And this year's female tribute is, Annie Cresta."
If there hade been any murmur in the audience, it was dead silent now.
One quick look at Annie and you could see it on her, you could see everything, the fear, the regret, the denial, everything.
So it didn't take me by surprise when I had to stop Mags arm with mine, and slowly lift the other.
"I volunteer as tribute."

The second of terror that crossed Finnick's face as I made my way onto the stage was the only thing that could make me regret my decision, but I knew he would understand. We were made to shake hands, pfff as if we didn't already know each other, and then it was off, away from the sinew and, NOT to the rooms behind!!

"What the hell, we have the right to say goodbye!!"
I tried both shouting and knocking on our peacekeepers, but nothing worked.
"Change of plan sweetie, besides everyone you need is on the train!" "The hell they don't!!"
I knew there was no point in resisting, but I still wanted to say goodbye, say goodbye to Melinda, and Sara.
Wich Sara all the best in the future and hope that she and her family would be well. For Gods fucking sake she was going to have a baby soon and I didn't even get to say goodbye!!

This was not okay, this was my rights just taken away, just like that!!
But there was nothing to do now, we were already at the train and if I died, or maybe rather when I died I would never have gotten to say goodbye to my friends, say goodbye to those who have become my family.
I fucking hated the capital.
No, you know what, I fucking hated the president!

I'm just going to come out here and say it.
I fucking hate President Snow, no one can convince me otherwise, may he one day burn in the deepest parts of hell.