A fate worse than death~~A Finnick Odair story~~

41. A final farewell

"Are you crazy!! I mean what the heck is that!!"
He didn't sound that angry, maybe a little scared, but mostly like a parent disciplining their disobedient child.
"I mean Elizabeth what were you thinking!!"
"I don't know."
"I don't know, you don't know, that's all I get! I swear to the gods Lizzy if that was one, one, I swear I'll lock you in my house!!"
"It wasn't."
"Then what was that, because I don't know isn't cutting it!"
"Well, then I don't know what the hell you want me to say!! Because I! Facking! Don't! Know!"
He was silent, so was I, leaving only a lonely awkward silence between the two of us.

Then he swam to the ladder and climbed up. I was left in the water, my body numb and my heart pounding. It was true what I said, I didn't know why I did it, I had just acted on impulse. But a tiny little part of me had an explanation.
I didn't know if it was just because of that, but they were the only ones that could even be a little logical, not because it was really logical, but at least I knew that it hadn't been, it hadn't been an attempt.

As I swam towards the ladder and pulled myself up, my brain was working overtime. Every brain cell was desperately trying to find the words for the explanation I knew I wanted to make, but didn't know if I could. But at the same time as I met Finnick's gaze, it was as if everything just stopped, as if everyone up here in my head had gone on a break and I just started blurting out words.
"It wasn't that coled."
"I told you."
He didn't sound angry, but still angry, like he was angry at my action but not me, I don't really know how to explain it, but it gave me a little hope.

"I didn't mean to, I think it was because, ahh listen to me Finnick it's just going wrong I can't--!!" Frustration built up in me at my own inability to form sentences, but he both stopped, and calmed me with a singel light kiss.
"It's okay, we're okay and that's all that matters."
"He didn't like the cold."
"Wait, what?"
"Finnick, he didn't like the cold, I had to make shore..."

Then it was as if something in his brain clicked, I could see the realization in his eyes and how it quickly turned to sadness.
Sadness for me, and for Ian.

"You don't have to answer, but was he?"
I nodded, tears forming in my eyes. "It's been there, there ever since, when we got back it was just there.
I haven't wanted to touch it."
He bit down on his lower lip, probably unsure of what to say here, because what do you say when the person you loved tell you that her dead brother's una had been sitting on her kitchen counter for weeks and she hadn't dared to touch it.
Well let me tell you, you're not saying anything, but Finnick hasn't always been a man of reason, maybe that's why he said exactly what he said.

"You want to bury him, have a funeral."
"No."
"Are you sure, because--."
"I don't want anything big, he was my brother, mine and no one should be allowed to broadcast it all over the world."
"So just me and you, we can take my boat out when you feel ready, if you want someone else with you you can--."
"No just us, that's fine."
"Then it's decided."
I nodded and once again let the tears roll down my cheeks, honestly at this point I was worse than a waterfall, but that didn't stop me.

"Can we do it tomorrow?"
"I, tomorrow maybe--."
"It's just that it's been there so long, and I want it to be worthy of a boy from four!!--"
"Then tomorrow it is. You knock on my door when you feel ready, okay?" "Okay."
And so, in just a few minutes, it was decided.

It was like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders, and she was so grateful for Finnick. For everything he did for her, for still loving her at all.

The thought that Cory would never have done something like this for her crossed her mind. But she refused to let him ruin this.
As if he were an irritating flie, she waved him away, tried to push all of him into the locked chest she kept at the back of her minde.
The chest that was now starting to overflow with things she didn't want to remember, things she wished she could lock away as if they never happened.

~~~

Elizabeth knocked on Finnick's door sooner than anyone would have thought. She had the urn with her and was dressed in black. Therefore, she was almost shocked when, after only a few seconds, Finnick opened and let her in.

He was ready to go and we just went straight through the house to his boat. The journey was quiet, no more than one would have expected from a heartbroken girl and the man who saw his lover in grief. Still, it was beautiful. The fog had disappeared, leaving behind a clear, dark blue sea that mirrored the sky. She cried even today, but she was not ashamed. It was beautiful, despite the circumstances, it was a beautiful farewell, and when her cheek was gently caressed by a gust of wind on the way home and the fish swam around the boat, she chose to see it as a sine.

Wherever Ian was, however near or far, he was safe, but most importantly, she believed he was happy.
Maybe he was waiting for her right now with their parents, maybe he was standing with her now, she didn't know, but she knew she would always love him and he her.

Finnick's gentle hand extended to her pulled her back to reality. They were there, he had even had time to dock, now just waiting for her, so she gave him her hand and let him help her out of the boat.
"Lizzy, now if you will, I know Annie and Mags are waiting for us."
"Why?"
"They wanted to hold a little dinner, or well breakfast in Ian's honour, only the closest are there, but if you don't want to go, they'll understand!"
"That sounds, good, can you come along?"
He smiled and I realized how stupid a question it was, of course he would be there, but still I was relieved when he nodded and we started walking.

It was me, Annie, Mags, Finnick, Melinda and Sara.
I was pleasantly surprised to see Sara, I was even more surprised when I saw her big belly, she was expecting! I did feel guilty when she told me that she tried to visit me, but she shrugged it off as nothing.

I know she understood, I had been buried in grief, still was to some extent, but it was as if I had slowly started to climb, and a nice morning with close friends devoted to my brother and old memories was just what I needed to keep climbing, to get, if ever so litle, closer to the light at the end of the tunnel.
Or att the topp of the hole.