A fate worse than death~~A Finnick Odair story~~

38. Just siblings

You know when something traumatic happens in your life, how it can make it feel like everything is in slow motion and you see what's happening, not as yourself but as a spectator.

This was the exact opposite. Everything was moving too fast, it felt like I couldn't do anything to help my brother and worst of all, I couldn't leave my body at all. I was embarrassed and painfully stuck in every single moment without being able to look away or change anything.

Ian had almost no skills with weapons. He hadn't even had the practice of cleaning and killing fish that I had at that age, but why should he. He didn't have to work to put food on the table, I could have pampered him with my excess victory pay. But god now, now I wished I had tried to prepare him.

"It's not too bad Izzy, he scored a 6a, that's better than most others
his age!"
Finnick had been trying desperately to cheer me up all day, or well, cheer someone up as much as possible when their sibling is about to be sent to a death arena. But it wasn't his point I was worried about, oh no, it was the fact that he would soon be stepping on a stage in front of thousands of people and I wasn't even allowed to sit in the audience to calm him down.
God as many times as I, this week alone wished I never won, just so I didn't have to follow all these god damn victors rules.

"Izzy, Izzy, Elizabeth?? Are you listening??"
"Hmm yes, yes absolutely, what are you saying?"
"It's almost Ian's turn, Klara has about a minute left."
"Ohh, yeah, how's she doing, okay?" "She's doing great Izzy, but--"
The clock interrupted him and immediately my gaze was glued to the screen where my brother would soon appear.

So when he took the first step onto the stage, my breath caught in my throat. He looked so handsome. Dressed in a dark blue suit, with water combed hair and a nice, cheeky shy smile. And then it hit me, he reminded me for the first time ever of our father. The father I studied so many times in their wedding photo, he entwined in a fishing net with the smiling redhead next to him, and that shy smile on his lips. But what I hadn't expected was that Finnick would have an almost identical expression to me on his face, but something told me he wasn't thinking about his parents, no he probably saw something else in Ian, someone else.

"Finnick, are you okay?"
"I'm the one who should be asking you that."
"Well you have, many times, but now it's my turn. Are you okay?"
"Izzy I, yes well, or it's just that he reminds me so much of, of…."
"You?"

A single tear rolled down Finnick's cheek and he nodded in confirmation. A shudder went through me when I saw it from an outside perspective for the first time.
Yes I was losing my brother, and yes I had to grieve, or I didn't, if he didn't die he WOULD survive.
But Finnick, Finnick was reliving his own games when he saw that little boy on the screen. Something no one should ever have to do, least of all my kind, lovely Finnick.

"I, I'm sorry Finn."
"Me too Issy."
Our moment was cut short by Ian's time being up, now we just had to wait for him to come down and then this day could be over.

But the question was really whether I wanted it to be, because with the end of this day came the next, and everyone knew what the day after the interviews.

~~~

Naturally, I didn't sleep.

Even though every fiber of my being had tried to convince me that Ian would survive, I was scared. Because even if I could convince myself that it was true, the doubt would always be there, the fear would never fully leave me, because how could it! He was my little brother after all, for me to feel anything other than fear for his life would be anything but ordinary.

I just lay in bed tossing and turning, wishing I would fall asleep, but to no avail. So when the knock came I was relieved to say the least. Finnick needed to vent as much as I did so throwing on my dressing gown I went to open the door, a relieved smile on my face. But the smile faded as soon as I met Ian's tear-filled eyes.
"Ohh Ian."
Without wasting another second, we put our arms around each other, and slowly slowly we entered my room.

We ended up in my bed and I held him. I buried my nose in his hair and rocked him softly.
"It's going to be okay Ian, we're going to be okay."
"Izzy I, I'm scared."
"It's okay. You will win, you have nothing to fear."
"Can you, I want you, to protect me."
He had started sobbing, the last sentence was unclear, but I understood. So I took his face in my hands and brought it up to mine.

"I will always protect you. Always!"
"I love you Izzy."
"Ian, I love you too, now and forever, but you, you tell me when you get back."
"What if--."
"No what ifs. Let's make a deal, when you get back we'll spend a night like this, together, and you can tell me anything you want. But until then, we're, right now, just Ian and Elizabeth, two kids from four . Two siblings okay?"
"Okay. But I'll need the same luck you had in your games."

I froze ever so slightly when he mentioned my games, but then I thought about what he said.

Instinctively I moved my hands back to the clasp of the necklace, but I didn't have time to evan reach the it before Ian stopped me with a panicked look and only a few words. "Izzy I could never!!"
"But it's my luck!"
"I didn't mean it like that, mom left that for you YOU, and the necklace, I don't evan…."
"It's from Finnick, but, but Ian you can have it, I'm your sister, I'll do whatever--"
"Thanks Izzy, but no."
"Are you-"
"Izzy I love you but no"
"I love you too, but what happened to saving it for next time."
"Well if I can't say it, you can't either!"
"Alright, alright, that's fair, but I do." "And I do too, you I mean."
We both smiled at the other before I said.
"Then it's settled, we both do."

He smiled again, a kind of sad, knowing, yet happy smile, and finally he let fear give way to sleep.

We both fell asleep in my bed that night, hugging each other, as if we were just two little children, to regular siblings from four.