A fate worse than death~~A Finnick Odair story~~

40. Feal ennything

Nothing that happened during the rest of the games was worth knowing. Not for Elizabeth anyways. Or maybe one thing, both Katniss and Peta had been crowned winners of the 74th Hunger Games.

Honestly, she didn't know if it was good or bad, didn't know if the love couple deserved to win, didn't know if it was worth it, but most of all, most of all, she didn't know if she cared, and that scared her.
She knew it was nice for Haymitch to finally have some company, or atleas she thought it would be nice for him. The gods knew what he thought of the matter.

But otherwise, otherwise she couldn't help but to wonder about whether it would be worth it.

The capital loved its love couple, the star-crossed lovers, but what did the rest think? Everyone who lost someone in the games only because the capital decided there could only be one winner.
And now, everything just changed. One could not avoid thinking what it could lead to, what it could start. Elizabeth herself knew how angry she was for herself, for Jamie, but above all for Ian, and she was just one persian.

Imagine what an entire population could accomplish.

~~~

I think I've found the thing I'm most afraid of in the whole world.
It is to be alone.

Being alone is my worst fear.
And for better or for worse, I'm almost completely alone.

This house used to be a blessing and a curse. A blessing for giving me the opportunity to protect and love my brother. Give me the chance to fill it with love and laughter. But a curse because it symbolized everything I had done. All the lives I took, that I participated in the hunger games at all, but worst of all, that I accepted all the bribes from the capital. And now, with Ian gone, the house was just a shell. With him, all the love, all the warmth and all the laughter had disappeared.

Now all that was left was the empty, dark, and I hated it. Hated myself, hated all my fello victors for emptying my liquor cabinet. But most of all I hated the capital. The capital where everyone now more walked around with murtch from the girl on fire, everyone who could walk around laughing, partying and drinking. Everyone who hadr already forgotten my brother.

It was as if ,whit Ian, everything disappeared not only all love, but all my feelings, all but hate that is. Apart from the hate I hade nothing, I slept and I ate. Didn't leave the house and didn't invite anyone. Surely I had worried many, but did I care, no. I was too tired, too sad to care, so there was only room for hate, hate I could handle.

When I was awakened by the knocking, I was at first confused. What day was it, what time was it?! Then I realized, I had stopped watching a long time ago. All I was aware of was that there was a knock and I couldn't bring myself to go down to open the door. Either it was someone from the capital, maybe my lovely fiance, and then he'd get in whether I let him in or not, or it was someone from the district, which meant they'd be leaving soon when I didn't open.
So when I heard a key in the door, I pulled the covers over my head. I hadn't given anyone a key to my house, so option one it was.

God I really didn't feel like seeing his very beatable face today.
That's why I was quite surprised when the intruder sat on the edge of my bed, carefully pulled the covers away from my face and I was met not by Cory's cold eyes,
but by Finnick's caring gaze.

"Finn, what--"
"Am I doing here? I don't know Lizzy, maybe the fact that no one has seen you in weeks is starting to freak me out!!"
"Weeks?"

The anger that had started to appear in his voice was immediately gone and the kind glimmer was back again. "You didn't know?"
"I, maybe, I, I haven't wanted to know I guess. Every day that goes by is just another day that he's--."
Her voice cracked and tears began to form in her eyes.

Without hesitation, Finnick climbed into her bed and held her.
"Shhh Lizzy, I know, it's okey, you're safe"
And she cried.
Not only cried for her brother, but also because she actually cried.
She cried because she was sad and that made her happy in a way, because, despite the terrible circumstances, sadness was a feeling, a feeling that was not hate.

When Finnick later slowly helped her out of bed, she couldn't remember the last time she had left it. Was it an hour ago, maybe a day, or was it more?

She had managed to get thin, but didn't know if it was because she ate a little or just not at all. Therefore, it was no wonder that the first room he took her to was the kitchen. But when they both caught sight of what was on her kitchen bar at the same time, Elizabeth remembered why she didn't want to be in the kitchen. Her eyes were immediately on the floor and Finnicks was on her.
"Should we go outside instead, fresh air is, good."
She just nodded, thankful that he didn't overtly notice it, and he grabbed a blanket before they went out on the balcony.

The blanket hadn't been for him, and as soon as the slightly chilly air hit her bare skin she shiverd. He was immediately there with the blanket and hung it around her shoulders before they settled down on the dock. She stared at the bathing ladder and out over the water and was suddenly seized by the heavy desire to know, something that hadn't happened in a long time.

"Is it cold?"
"What? Well, no not really."
"Ohhh."
"Take off your socks and findout."

Sometimes he was very clever, or maybe she was the one who was stupid. Maybe it was both, but still she carefully took off her socks and walked over to the bath steps. With the blanket still over her shoulders, she carefully brought her feet down on the first step.
The cold was immediate at first, but then much milder.
He was right, it was a little cold, but she was sure they both felt colder.

Slowly she wiggled her feet and made small waves in the water.
So, evan slower she let the blanket fall from her shoulders and leaned forward, and after only a few seconds she was under the water.

Finnick hadn't expected this, He had looked away from the smale girl by the ladder just for a second, or had he perhaps just blinked?!
In any case, it didn't matter now, whitin only a second she had recaptured his full attention only for him to see an empty ladder! The panic that had gripped him had been immediate and without thinking he had immediately rushed after the girl he loved.

He wasn't afraid that she wouldn't be able to swim back to the surface, she was a skilled swimmer and he had seen her do it many times.
No, he was afraid that she wouldn't want to. So when he caught her in his arms and pushed them bout up to the serfic, he didn't know what he felt.

As Elizabeth took another breath, she was met by Finnick's eyes again. What was different this time was that she couldn't read his expression, there was, fear, love, anger, and was it, joy? She wasn't entirely sure about the last one, but what scared her a little more was that she wasn't at all sure which one he would choose to act on.