☠︎︎ 33. The Beginner's Luck ☠︎︎

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— kill or to be killed

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— kill or to be killed

that's how they lived

run or hide

that's how they lived every night —


The sound of the shoot still rang in Chay's ear. He was looking at Kim's face covered with splatters of blood paralysed. Kim, covered in blood. Kim, covered in the blood of the person Chay just killed. He killed someone. Really killed someone.

"Chay... Chay... come, we have to go," Kim jumped through the window and grabbed Chay's hand, pulling him away from the fire... from the man Chay just killed.

Chay ran with Kim, but it was as if he wasn't even in his body. In his mind, he was still pulling the trigger and watched the man's face turn into nothing but a grotesque picture of blood and brain matter. It's so heavy. That man wanted to kill Kim and was one of the people who killed Pearl's mother, and yet, Chay's heart still felt so heavy. He understood now; he knew why Kim didn't want to let Chay directly help him with killing. He wanted to protect Chay from this feeling.

"Here," Kim stepped in front of Chay and took both of his hands, slowly helping him down a steep hill to the hidden part of the beach rarely frequented by someone because of its hard access. "Careful, darlin'... just a bit more..." Standing with both feet firmly on the beach, Kim scooped Chay in his arms and brought him safely to the sand as well.

"Alright, here we can wait for the chaos to subside." Kim smiles at Chay and caresses his hair, "nice shot, darlin'. Bit messy, but nice. I just think I need... wait here..."

Chay was watching Kim run out towards the ocean, splashing water on his face and slicking back his wet hair—the two braids that Chay made messy but still there. It brought Chay back into the present somehow. They made ít. They took the revenge. All those people who changed Pearl's life were dead, and Kim and Chay were safe. Kim's plan had worked, and Chay helped the best way he could. That was all that should matter. Chay should be happy. They did it!

Kim walked up back to Chay and cupped his cheeks, "darlin'... that man deserved to die. If you wouldn't have done it... I would. Please, talk to me, Chay. Say something."

"I..." Chay took a deep breath to say something, but he didn't know what to say. How should he explain what he was feeling? He was fine, but his heart felt heavy.

With his eyes closed, Kim pressed their foreheads together, "killing is easy, darlin'... it's the feeling that comes after that, isn't. I know. I understand. I wanted to protect you from this for as long as possible, but I guess I was bound to fail one day. You saved me today, darlin'... you saved me."

"I was so worried that something would happen to you," Chay finally found his words because talking about Kim had always been easy for him. It was as natural as breathing. "I didn't even think. I just... I wasn't even thinking about what I was doing. I just needed you safe."

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