𝘔𝘺 𝘙𝘰𝘴𝘦 🥀

23

Understanding :

It had been hours and I had yet to hear from Beyonce. My worries were high, I couldn't sleep the whole night. Instead, I stayed sitting in the fairy chair in the corner of her room, tears on my face, blood covering my foot and a weight on my chest. It felt like I was the reason for everything. Like maybe Heaven was right. It's always my fault. Everything.

Hadn't I gone with Mills after Beyonce was warning me, we wouldn't be in this. If I would've just stayed inside like Beyonce told me, I wouldn't be worrying about where she is right now. And that takes me back to Momma and Daddy. What if Hasani was right? Me coming about probably stirred up the issues in their marriage. If I wouldn't have been so stubborn about horse ridin, Momma wouldn't have followed Daddy and caught him cheatin again.

Thankfully I couldn't find a reason to blame myself about the miscarriage. I think that'll hurt me more than anything else. But I just know Momma is feelin it more than me, so I can't complaain too much.

I'd never felt the need to smoke so much. Never had I ever smoked days in a row and I feel bad for even wanting to. It's already wrong for me to be sneakin and doing it. Everything just felt wrong at this moment. And maybe it's just me being dramatic but......I can't stop it.

The sun was starting to shine making me go towards the open window. I couldn't take my eyes off of the field of high grass, hoping to see a little movement. Just like the hundreds of times before, I was out of luck. I couldn't explain the way I really felt at the moment, I didn't understand.

But I wanted to so badly.

The sound of a screen door slamming made me jump in my seat. It couldn't have been anyone but Beyonce. I heard Ms.Tina get up not too long ago, but that's only because her room is right under Beyonce's. She hadn't even come out yet to notice anything. After that slam i'm sure she'll be coming out soon.

I kept my eyes on the room door until I could see Beyonce. She didn't look any different than she did when she left. My eyes jumped from piece to piece trying to catch a slight change but there was none. There was nothing for me to say as she stood over me, her eyes firm. It only felt right to look away but her grabbing my chin stopped me from doing so. She leaned down to my view, pressing her lips against mine softly.

"I'm sorry for leavin when you said not to. I can tell you ain't been ta sleep, come on."

"No....You don't get to do that." I mushed her back by her shoulders. She didn't fight me at all, only stood up straight to give me my space. The gesture made me want to pull her back in but I had to remember that i'm upset. "You've been gone for hours. Where did you go?"

"I was going to find him but.....somebody had got him before I did."

"What?"

"By time I got out there Bunny.....he was in the road full of blood. I tried to help him."

"Beyonce are you lyin to me?" I knitted my eyebrows, standing up the best I could with a slight limp. It didn't sit right with me. Knowing that she went out there to hurt him and comin back with an excuse that she ain't do it. Nobody gonna believe that.

"No, pretty girl, i'm not lying to you. Come on, let me clean ya foot. You need to get it clean so it won't get infected."

I stared at her for a moment. Wondering if I should believe her or not. She was gone all night. Left me here to drown in my tears until I couldn't anymore. Then says she didn't do nothin..

"I need to shower."

"Ok. I'll get you somethin to put on. Come on." She helped to the bathroom turning on the shower as I sat on the tub. I couldn't stop watching her every move. I'm sure she could tell, every second she took a glance at me. "I promise i'm tellin the truth, Onika."

"Where were you all this time?"

"Tryin ta get him somewhere safe. At least close ta town so somebody could see em."

"Was he dead?"

"I don't know, I didn't check. All I did was get him away from here."

"Why'd you help him?"

"Bunny....Come on."

"No. I asked you a question, Beyonce." I mushed her hands off of me. She wasn't gonna skip past this like it's less than what it is. I've been sitting here feeling worse than I ever have in my life. "Answer me."

"Onika I did the right thing."

"You expect me to believe that you left...found him...helped him, then came back? Beyonce do you know how this looks?"

"I understand, that's why i'm not arguing with you. We can talk after your shower, I promise. I'm gonna go shower in my mamas bathroom."

I ignored her, letting her walk out and shut the door behind her. I'm not upset. There's a lot going on in my head and I want to go home. But I also feel like going home wouldn't be the best thing to do right about now. It's like I can already hear Mommas loud voice already.

All while I was in the shower I thought about it. I could hear Beyonce bring the clothes in and leave right back out. My foot was hurtin badly. The blood was washing through the water turning it a burnt red. It made it hard to stand, but I washed my body enough for me to get out.

"Yonce."

"One second, Bunny. I'm puttin my clothes on."

So I waited. When she finally came inside she looked right at my foot. She sighed shaking her head.

"You don't have your foot wrap, do you?"

"No." I held the pants out to her so she could put them on me. She was gentle. Sliding them over my feet and lifting me to get them over my butt. Everything felt wrong. Me being here, her helping me, us having to talk. "Look at me, Yonce."

It took a minute, but she looked at me. I could see so much in her eyes, it was just hard to understand. And i'm sure I won't be able to unless I was there to witness what she did. It's too much.

"What did you see?"

"I told you what I saw, Onika." The way she looked away from me told me otherwise. My eyes squinted, staring as she was handling my foot. I let her get through with it. She knew more than me so I sat back and took the pain until it was over.

"Was there anyone else with you?"

"N-no Onika, I was alone."

"You're lying, and I'm going home."

"You can't."

"What do you mean I can't?" I mushed her away, standing from the toilet. There was a look of sadness in her eyes, like she fought to tell me what I asked of her. It hurt. Out of everybody I expected her to be honest with me. To keep me levelheaded so I wouldn't feel low. "I'm leavin."

"Bunny, no, please. Just- let me take time to think."

"You were gone all night, how much more time do you need? Beyonce-"

"Your dad is there."

"So that's where you were? You went to my house. Why?"

"Because.....I saw your dad and he didn't- he asked me-"

"Stop lyin." I gritted, grabbing her face. She teared up the longer she stared at me and I couldn't help but to pull her into a hug. Her tears didn't seem fair, she shouldn't have to cry. None of  this wouldn't be happening hadn't it been for me. I should've stayed home.

"I saw him...I saw him die, Onika."

My heart wrenched.

"There was so much blood."

"What happened?"

"Your dad, he- I saw him. He was killin him and I tried to stop him but- I-I couldn't. And-"

"Stop. Breathe. It's okay."

I let her cry on my shoulder, a wave of guilt flushing through me.

Had I stayed home....