I don't want my father to worry about me, but I really can't control my emotions once they get triggered. Kung hindi nagpasya si Luther na umalis kami ay hindi ako makakapagsalita para magpaalam at umiwas, or if I was alone there and wasn't with him, baka doon na ako umiyak sa harap ng dad pati ni Caitlin at mailabas ang lahat ng hinanakit ko. Na ayaw ko naman na mangyari.
This is one of the hardest parts of having this illness—it doesn't choose a time. It can hit you anywhere, and you can break down anytime.
"Do you want anything?"
Umiling ako kay Luther, tipid na ngumiti. He knelt on one knee and took my hands. I was sitting on the sofa while he was kneeling in front of me. I wonder what he is thinking right now? Alam ko naman na hindi niya ako pinag-iisipan ng kung ano, na weird ako dahil bigla akong nagiging ganito. I don't see anything else in his eyes right now. It's just pure care—and worry.
"Sorry, Luther. Nag-aksaya lang tayo ng gas..." iyon ang nasabi ko. Tumayo naman siya at umupo sa tabi ko. He raised my hand and kissed the back of it.
"Don't worry about it, baby. But, are you sure you are okay now?" tanong niya ulit. Nakailang tanong na siya nang makarating kami dito sa hotel. And I can say that I am calm now. Medyo nanginginig pa ang mga kamay ko pero okay na ako. He did great, he's really a great help like he knows what to do.
"Okay naman na. Kanina kasi hindi ko lang maiwasan na balikan rin yung nakaraan at mag-isip nang makita ko si dad at si Caitlin. Naalala ko yung dati. I mean, I understand why dad was so caring toward my sister... pero..." I lowered my head and smiled, pressed my lips and took a deep breath. Naramdaman ko naman na mas humigpit ang hawak ni Luther sa kamay ko.
"Pero ako rin kasi... kailangan ko ng ganoong atensyon. Gusto ko rin maramdaman yung ganoon klase ng pag-aalaga mula sa kanila."
And it's exhausting to wait, like I felt it would never really happen because they believed I could handle myself. That I'm strong. But, I'm not.
In the end, that was my only choice—to save myself. To be strong, even if I was alone.
"I know your relationship with you mom already, but with your dad, I think you just need to talk to him, Catalina. For me, I feel like he'll understand if you explain things to him properly. He looked so worried when we left the restaurant. He just sent me a message asking about you, and he even told me to take care of you."
Nang marinig ko ang mga sinabi ni Luther ay nanginig ang mga labi ko at nakaramdam ako ng kirot sa dibdib ko. I nodded at him. I know my father loves me but, nakakaramdam ako ng pagtatampo dahil nga alam ko rin na madalas hindi niya ako napapansin. Ang gusto ko kasi iyong hindi na kailangan na may gawin ako, na may makita siya sa akin na ikapagaalala niya para lang ma-feel ko na mahal niya rin ako.
This is what I hate actually, this mind is making me weak. Kahit ayoko na mag-isip ng ganito, at makaramdam ng ganito dahil alam ko naman rin na mahal ako ng dad ay hindi ko maiwasan.
"Kakausapin ko si dad, iyong kaming dalawa lang para mas maunawaan rin niya ang side ko," pag-angat ko ng tingin kay Luther ay ngumiti siya sa akin at hinalikan ang ibabaw ng noo ko. At nang tumayo siya ay sinundan ko naman siya ng tingin.
Hindi ako nagtanong kung saan siya pupunta dahil pagkaalis niya ay kinuha ko naman ang cellphone ko. And he was right, nag-aalala pa rin ang dad dahil pagtingin ko sa mensahe ko ay nasa five messages ang mula sa aking ama. Isa-isa ko 'yon na binasa at pare-parehong may laman na nagtatanong kung kumusta na ba ako at kung kinakailangan ko na magpadala sa ospital.
To avoid making him worry more, I replied and told him that I'm okay.
Pumasok naman ako sa kwarto pagkatapos nangg hindi pa rin ako nababalik ni Luther. Nagpalit na ako ng damit at simpleng loose shirt at cotton shorts ang isinuot ko. At nang palabas na ako ng kwarto ay saka ko naman siya nakita na papasok at may dalang tray. Napataas ng sabay ang mga kilay ko sa kuryosidad at tiningnan ang dala niya.
BINABASA MO ANG
The Billionaire's Sweet Psycho
RomanceTherese Catalina doesn't do one-night stands. But everything changed when she met Luther Rico Valleje, her best friend's brother-in-law! Will their relationship really end after just one passionate night, or will they keep wanting more? --- "Hmmm...