Standing in your way

Chapter 28

Probably hearing that conversation was only good for me, it opened my eyes to the situation, making me see reality and not the fairy tale I was living in.

It was a good thing but also a great bad thing, I haven't even been able to look at myself in the mirror for days, needless to say the problems have gotten worse.I'm always away from home, at parties, clubs, any place where I can take my mind off my thoughts and above all where I'm not alone.

The real problem is when I'm alone

Now I don't even care about my appearance anymore, I wake up in the morning, do my hair and done, I don't care about being beautiful anymore.Sarah says it's not worth feeling bad like this for her, she says we had nothing and so she doesn't even understand why I felt so bad.

Honestly, I don't even know why I felt so bad about her

"Helena are you listening to me?" I am brought back to reality by Kristine's voice, we are having dinner together at my house, she came to keep me company since I'm not feeling well 

"No sorry, I was thinking about something for a moment, can you repeat that?" I ask her calmly, closing my eyes, she looks at me confused, takes the glass of wine and sips

"You always have your head in the clouds these days" she tells me, I nod

"Mh" she exhales and looks out the window

"Lydia asked about you," I frown.
Today I didn't go to rehearsals because I was feeling sick, I have a sore throat and a cough.

"What did she want"

"Knowing why you weren't at rehearsal" she tells me, I scoff

"I told her that you were sick, but I don't even know if she listened to me, she seemed very annoyed" I laugh, she looks at me strangely

"She can be as annoyed as she wants" I say, whispering to myself and getting up from the chair

"What did you say?" she asks me

"Nothing don't worry, thanks for telling her anyway" I turn and smile at her, she gets up from the chair

"I should go, we have rehearsals in the morning tomorrow" she looks at her watch and picks up her bag

"Will you be there tomorrow?" she asks me waiting for me at the door, I put the dishes in the sink and go towards her to open the door for her

"I don't think so" I shake my head and zip up my sweatshirt, she smiles at me and caresses my forearm

"Take care of yourself, Helena" I smile at her, stroking her hand and nod

"I will, don't worry" she opens the door and leaves the house.

*A sense of incredible emptiness begins to rise inside me, I head to the bathroom to do what I have always done these days, vomit.This is one of the worst relapses I've ever had in my entire journey.*

After that I rinse my mouth, lie down on the sofa and close my eyes

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The shrill ring of my phone wakes me up suddenly, an incredible headache attacks me as soon as I open my eyes.I get up from the couch and go to the kitchen where the sound is coming from, I pick up the phone and see it's Francesca, oh my goodness

"Hello?" I reply

"Hey Helena, how are you?" she asks me in a kind tone, I roll my eyes

"Pretty good, what's going on?" I want to cut this conversation short

"It's Lydia, she said you have to come to the rehearsal" she replies, I'm shocked for a moment

"I'm sick, I can't" I spit out acidly 

"She says that you absolutely cannot miss this period and that you have to take your responsibilities" she exhales, I scoff, I can't believe it

"I'll be right there then" I reply sarcastically, closing the phone in her face, I sit on the chair in the kitchen putting my face in my hands.

How can I concentrate in these conditions?

I know I have no choice so I get up and go to my room to change, I take a sweatpants and a loose t-shirt and put it on.I do a high ponytail and leave the house taking my things, I haven't even checked myself in the mirror.

I start driving and unfortunately I arrive at my destination As soon as I set foot inside the building a feeling of nausea wraps around my stomach. everything is extremely quiet, has everyone arrived yet?

I grab the handle of the rehearsal room and enter, everyone's eyes are fixed on me, but I only feel hers burning on my skin

"You've finally arrived, go to the station" I swallow and don't even look at her face, her attitude just pisses me off.I position myself and see Kristine looking at me in shock, probably because I'm here

"Let's get started" she says, I close my eyes to keep my concentration but I fail. I miss a note

"Concentration" Lydia says, I look down at the back of the person in front of me, she raises her hand and we start again, but I just can't play

"Helena if you don't feel like it, go home, I don't work with lazy people" my lip starts to tremble from all the emotions I feel in this moment, I stand up suddenly

"With much pleasure, maestro" I quickly grab my things and leave the room, everyone's faces are shocked. As soon as I hear the door slam behind me, it opens again

"Stop" she tells me coldly, my body automatically freezes in place, tears starts to roll down my face for anger mixed in pain

"I don't have the slightest idea about what you're going through right now, but I remind you that you are part of one of the most prestigious and important orchestras" she starts to say to me, I don't turn to look at her, I don't want her to see me in these conditions

"If you want to be part of it, act like it"

I hear her footsteps moving away after waiting a few seconds for my response, but I remained silent.I immediately head to my car and I broke down in tears, I can't take this anymore.

Francesca's pov:

I see Helena go out the door followed by Lydia.
The faces of everyone present were shocked, even mine to be honest since no one has ever allowed themselves to do something like that.

After a while the door reopens and an impassive Lydia enters. She gets back on the podium and motions to start playing again, as if nothing had happened.

My mind is only occupied with her, what's happening to her?
When she came in she didn't look at anyone and while she was playing I noticed that her mind was elsewhere.

Not to mention the physical conditions, that's the thing that scares me the most

"Lydia, in your office we need to talk later" I lean close to her ear and whisper to her, she nods.

Once the rehearsals are over everyone goes home and she and I lock ourselves in her office

"So?" she asks me, leaning against the desk with her back, her hands gripping the edges tightly

"Let me guess, it's Helena" she cuts me off, I raise my eyebrows

"I don't know, does this seem normal to you?" I tell her quite coldly, she shakes her head and puts her hands forward

"Listen, it's not my problem if she acts like a child. When she acts like a mature person, then I'll be nice to her" I scoff, what the fuck is she saying?

"What reasoning is that? Do you realize what you're saying?" I approach her furiously, I can't believe my ears

"And do you realize that she's ruining everything? We have to have the score ready, perfect for Christmas and now she's acting like this" she points a finger at me and then puts her hands in her pockets and sits down in her chair

"Do you understand that you are making her situation worse?" I step forward and place my hands on her desk, she looks me in the eyes

"What situation?" she tells me

"She's not well at all, and it shows," I tell her, and she shrugs

"She'll take a pill and she'll feel better" she tells me, I shake my head looking down

"Mentally, I mean" she stops what she's doing and seems to think about it for a moment

"I'm not a psychologist" she spits out coldly

"Lydia can you be nice for once?" she shakes her head smiling

"I was, all I got back was being treated like shit. We know how it ended the last time I showed affection towards a member of the orchestra.It can't happen again and it shouldn't happen again, that's enough"
my mouth remains closed even though I wanted to answer her, I leave her office in silence.


"How did it go today then?" Sarah asks me, bringing me a glass of water and a pill, she stopped by to buy them before coming here

"Shit, as always" I take the glass and swallow the pill with a sip, she looks at the floor

"You can't get down on her like that" she tells me

"If it were easy" I reply with almost tears in my eyes, she hugs me

"You have to show yourself strong, that you don't give a damn about her"

"How do I do this if it's not the truth?" my voice cracks and tears start to come out of my eyes

"I can't even look at her face" I shake my head, she puts her hand behind my head and brings me closer to her body

"I know it's difficult but you don't have to throw your life away like this" I pull away from her

"There is only one solution" I start to say

"I leave the position" Sarah widens her eyes

"What the fuck are you talking about Helena? Don't say bullshit" she tells me laughing almost hysterically

"The only solution" I repeat

"No, you will not leave the position for wich you worked hard for years, I won't let you" she says sternly looking into my eyes, I exhale

"Do you want to know the real solution? Don't care about her, start another life again, as if you didn't even know her" she tells me going into the kitchen to put the glass down

"But how do I do it?" I say following her into the kitchen

"First of all, you go back to the rehearsal, you appear confident and calm. Then if she tries to talk to you, ignore her or answer her badly" she says shrugging her shoulders, I exhale running a hand through my hair

"Play her own card Helena" she tells me looking into my eyes, I nod

"I will" I reply