Standing in your way

Chapter 30

I haven't heard from Sarah in days, I know she's angry with me, but I need to be alone for a while.I only leave the house to go to rehearsals and, luckily, today is the last day of rehearsals before Christmas.

With Lydia it's the same as before, we ignore each other, if she really has to tell me something she turns to me like she did the first few times, and this gets on my nerves even more.I'm carrying on only because I know that I'll be away from everything and everyone for at least two weeks.

I arrive just five minutes before the start, I really don't feel like talking to anyone in here, so I try to spend as little time as possible.Lydia looks around and sees that we are all there, she hands Francesca some papers and we start rehearsing

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"Okay, that's enough" she tells us, we all stop and start putting away and collecting our things. There is a noise of chatter going around the room.

She is talking to Francesca, I see out of the corner of my eye, as I put my instrument back in the case, that they nod and then Lydia calls attention with her hand, silence falls.

"I wanted to let you know that, like every year, Christmas dinner will be on the 22nd, I will write you the restaurant and the time" she says to everyone smiling, everyone applauds and starts talking again, except me.I rather get up quickly in the midst of the confusion and leave the room. I exhale as I hear the door behind me slam.

As I walk towards the exit I hear footsteps approaching, I stop

"Lydia wants to see you" Francesca's voice is heard from behind me, I close my eyes and swallow

"Why?" I reply coldly, she remains still, I don't hear her move

"She didn't tell me why" I turn and look at her, then I look at the floor closing my lips, I think I have no other choice

"If I really have to" I tell her, she nods for me to follow her and we go towards her office.
The closer we get to that door, the more my hands start to sweat and my heart rate quickens, it's been a long time since I've been back in there and above all since we were all alone.

"Are you ready?" she tells me, grabbing the handle and looking me in the eyes, I take a deep breath and then nod

"Yes" she lowers the handle and announces my arrival to Lydia, then gives me room to enter. I enter and grab the handle behind me to close the door, my gaze fixed on the floor, I remain motionless on the door threshold

"You can come closer" she tells me, my gaze rises and for the first time in weeks our eyes meet again, my stomach turns.I approach slowly, as if she might bite me, and I sit in the chair furthest from her desk. Silence exists between us

"Why am I here?" I ask her staring at her hands, she crosses them and snorts

"Your behavior, as always" I nod, focusing my gaze on my hands

"Your head is in the clouds, you're never focused, you're always making mistakes" she begins to say, getting up from the chair and heading to the window behind her.
My gaze fixes on her blonde hair that falls down her back

"Even before, I didn't like how you left the room while I was talking about something in which you too will participate" she tells me, tapping her finger on the wall near the window, her other hand in her pocket. I purse my lips

"I won't come to the dinner" her finger stops, she also puts her other hand in her pocket and turns around

"And why on earth?" she tells me in a slightly bored tone, she's starting to get irritated.
I clear my throat, lowering my gaze

"I'm going to visit my family, I'm leaving this evening" I lie.

It's not true that I'm leaving this evening, as I said I'll leave on the 23rd but under no circumstances will I come to that dinner.She approaches me and stops right in front of me, I don't look at her

"Look at me Helena" she tells me, my gaze remains fixed on the floor

"Don't make me repeat myself" she almost whispers to me, reaches out her hand on my arm.
I forcefully push her away

"Don't touch me" I tell her through clenched teeth as I stand up from the chair and back across the room to stay as far away from her as possible, anger filling my voice.
She remains still there and looks at me, even in her gaze you can see the anger that moves her soul

"Look, I don't care if you're there tomorrow night or not, but just know that you need to start taking this job seriously, you're ruining everything. If we fail it's your fault" she points her finger at me, I close my eyes feeling the tears.I shake my head

"And behave like an adult, not like a child" this is too much to take

"And you listen to me Lydia, be kind to people just once before you slap certain words in their faces. You never know what a person is going through, it's not just you"
my words come out of my mouth guided not by anger, but but rather from sadness and disappointment. My eyes remain fixed on hers the entire time.I see her mouth closing, her posture closing.

She turns and silently looks out the window again, I take my things and leave her office without saying another word. Francesca was sitting at her desk

"Merry Christmas Francesca" I tell to her as I walk out the door, she raises her head from the papers and looks at me confused

"Wait, you're not there tomorrow night?" I shake my head and smile softly

"Unfortunately not, I'm going to visit my family" she looks at me and smiles

"Then happy holidays and merry Christmas to you too" I thank her and leave the building

Lydia's pov:

She leaves the room without saying a word, I don't stop her.I stare outside at the trees moving with the wind, my mind in confusion.

Many people, even those closest to me, have said those things to me, but none of their words have ever touched me.

The ones that came out of her mouth did though.

I run a hand through my hair, it wasn't just the words, it was the tone of voice in which she said it, voice cracked and broken, her eyes speaking more than her mouth.

I haven't seen her up close for many days and seeing her again today, I noticed all the changes.

How her cheekbones are more hollow, her dark circles slightly more accentuated, and how her clothes have become all baggy.

Usually I don't give a shit about hurting people who aren't close to me, but this time I do.
This time she worries me.

The knocks on my door bring me back to reality, Francesca enters before I could answer

"I heard she's not coming" she says to me closing the door, I don't turn to look at her, I know who she's talking about. My eyes are fixed on the dry branches

"How did it go?" she asks me, I hear her voice getting closer and closer.
I exhale and shake my head

"I" I start by running a hand over my face

"Don't know" I sit on the desk, my gaze meets Francesca's confused one

"That is to say?" she tells me, sitting down too to reach my height, my hands are clasped in front of my face

"She told me to be kind, that it's not just me that exists" I tell her, she raises her eyebrows

"That's what I always tell you now" she replies, I look into her eyes

"Your words have never touched me, hers have" I say, her mouth tightens, her gaze shifts to the ground

"And why did hers do it?" I shake my head

"That's what I don't know" she nods, looks at me and stands up

"Probably because you care about her" she tells me, I laugh

"Absolutely not, I don't care"

"You don't care about her but her words do? You contradict yourself Lydia" I snort and put my hands on the desk

"Things are different" I murmur adjusting my position

"And how?" my mouth stops, I can't answer

"Lydia, think about it" I scoffs

"About what?" she smiles

"That you're denying yourself something" this time I'm the one laughing

"I'm not denying anything to myself, I know myself and I know my feelings" I say getting up and returning to her level, she starts to walk towards the door

"Apparently not" she grabs the handle and leaves the room, also without saying anything.

Confusion surrounds my mind, where did she want to go with this speech?

Looking back, her point is right, why do her words interest me but not her?

Maybe I know where she was going with this, but that's not the case.I won't let myself get carried away and get out of control

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I open the door, Sarah is here in front of me

"I didn't know if I would find you at home" she tells me, looking at her feet

"I'm always here" I tell her, she looks up and smiles, I do the same

"Come in" I make room for her, she enters and closes the door behind her. We sit on the sofa

"Sorry, I didn't make myself heard" I start to say

"I know you're mad at me"

"I'm not" she replies quickly, I frown

"I'm not angry, the angry one is Dafne" she tells me, I nod looking down.
She reaches out to my thigh

"She just expects an apology from you, that's all" I look her in the eyes again and take a deep breath

"I never wanted to push her away, I swear," I start to say closing my eyes

"But the thought of her haunts me, I got scared" I shake my head and swallow, she exhales

"Helena, it's time to let her go" she tells me softly, I scoff sarcastically

"I would like to, I swear, but I can't do it" I gesture with my hands and stroke my eyebrows

"Today then, I went to her office, and I answered her" she laughs slightly

"Strange, that always happens" I turn my head and look at her, I see she is laughing

"No, it's not like always. She didn't answer me back. She just let me go" I almost whisper her smile fades slowly, she frowns

"Meaning what?" she asks seriously, I shrug

"I don't know"