Because She Loved Him

Words Fail Me.

Bjorn was woken from an unplanned doze by a fearful hammering on his door and his first thought was that Lena had lost her mind and pushed her luck far too far, he launched himself off the bed and stalked to the door. He hauled it open furiously but his snappy "what?" was cut short by the sight of Benny's unexpected face "well hi" Benny commented and shoved his way in "come in why don't you?" Bjorn said acerbically "thanks" Benny said throwing himself on the other side of the bed and making himself comfy "we need to talk" Benny said "Benny I can't talk anymore right now, my brain hurts and I can't find the words anyway. I'm tired, I can't sleep and I feel like I'm being hunted" Benny shifted himself up on the bed and made himself comfortable, he patted the bed "come on you need to relax a bit and I think you may have hit on something near the truth. Frida is sleeping, she knows I'm here but she's tired. We meet tomorrow to go to the concert venue and do sound checks but before that we need to make a start on working out what the hell is going on around us" "you heard her didn't you?" Bjorn sighed "it isn't just me is it?" "Nope" Benny agreed "definitely not" "Anna wasn't crazy, she isn't crazy. I called her crazy until I probably drove her crazy" Bjorn mumbled as he flopped onto the bed "I think Lena has had more to do with all of this than we realised" Benny said "even if not those letters everything else, I think we need to watch her carefully while she's here with us" "I don't want her working for ABBA when we get back Benny, if it's going to open us up to litigation I don't want her working directly with us at least. Somewhere else far away in the Abba corporation will be fine" "I think you're right but I don't think we should rock the boat until you have Anna and the kids back safely"
Bjorn got off the bed and went to the mini bar "drink?" he offered "one" Benny replied "I'm terrified Benny, I feel like I have a noose around my neck. The thought that I'm running out of time haunts me. I don't know that she's safe" "she's safe today Bjorn, we just spoke to her, we know she's safe today" Benny interrupted calmly Bjorn's stomach hollowed out "you spoke to her now? How does she sound?" "Tired, quiet" Benny said honestly "and the kids?" Bjorn pressed eagerly long past the point of being angry at his exclusion from their conversations "Christian is on his feet she says, he must be a handful" he grinned "very like his mama I think" Bjorn was uncharacteristically silent and his regret burnt hot all over again "he's walking?" he whispered "that's early. I missed it" "she has her Polaroid" Benny said "I bet there's millions of photos, she said she takes them for you to see when they were older and less trouble. She said you might want to see them when they aren't so much work" "that isn't much comfort Benny, I don't want that. I want to be there with her, I want to see my children grow. I never should have made her believe that they were too much trouble for me. It isn't true, it never was. I've had the shock I needed. I love them all more than my own life" Benny didn't comment, he knew all that "let's get these letters out then, let's see them. We'll show Frida when she's had some sleep" Bjorn got them all out of his holdall and made sure that his room door was locked before settling back down next to Benny "reminds me of when we used to do this on the festfolket tours he said as he sat down with a small smile and Benny grinned "yeah the girls used to say they could keep up with us then fall asleep together. Left me stuck with you" he rolled his eyes with good humour "it was easy then, so easy, just love and music" Bjorn said quietly "that's all it ever should have been" Benny agreed "we need to strip it back to basics. If this isn't a warning for all of us I don't know what is" he kicked his boots off and crossed his ankles taking a sip of the whiskey Bjorn had handed him "settling in for the long stay?" Bjorn teased hesitantly, still unsure of this new phase of their relationship "yep, it's going to be a long night" Bjorn couldn't quite hide his relief and Benny, missing nothing squeezed his shoulder "you're on the right path now Bjorn, you'll find her" "Maybe I won't, she doesn't want me to"Bjorn admitted for the first time "but I won't stop looking. Even if she never wants me again I have to face her and find the words that fail me. I need to know she's safe and happy and if nothing else I do want to be part of my babies lives. I want everything that I had but I have to try and explain what happened to me when I don't even know myself. I'll be in her life regardless" "I'm sure you'll find the words mate when you find her"
Bjorn put the letters in the order that he thought they belonged then gave them to Benny and stayed quiet while he read them all for the first time. He read them all without a word and Bjorn couldn't look at him and see the condemnation in his eyes so he stared into his whiskey. When Benny had finished and shuffled them back into a pile "I didn't know" Bjorn said miserably "I didn't know they were that bad, she told me some of the early ones but I never read them. I told her it was part of being famous and to ignore them. I told her to toughen up and I told her she was reading too much into it. I've never been more wrong. She never showed me the rest, she hid them away and look at the damage done" "I don't know what to say" Benny sighed, these will blow Frida's mind, they are more than even I expected. Anna certainly played them down. She never let us see them, what was she thinking?" he asked of no one in particular "she went into protection mode" Bjorn said bitterly "and I helped her on her way. She's done what she knows best with the information she had, shes gone to ground to keep the kids safe because she thought I wouldn't" "Keep them safe? Of course you would" Benny said sharply "yes I would but I gave her no reason to believe it did I?" Bjorn's bitterness boiled over "maybe I wouldn't have when she needed me most, I didn't did I. Too busy with Lena, I don't even recognise that man Benny" "you're back now and he's gone I hope"Benny said comfortingly "I didn't like him very much" "he's gone and he won't be back" Bjorn retorted "they went over the letters with a fine tooth comb and Bjorn shared the notes and questions that he'd written before and they added to them for some hours. When they could read no more Benny sat back with a sigh "well if it is her, it's been a clever campaign and she's run a two sided one. She potentially destabilised Anna at an incredibly vulnerable time and at the same time targeted you which led to the perfect implosion. It could work" Benny mused"But why?" tore from Bjorn "I didn't do anything to her, she had no reason to target me, us" "I don't know Bjorn, we need to look into her more I think" "why not you and Frida?" Bjorn asked "why us? Why one ABBA couple and not the other?" he was genuinely perplexed "don't take it the wrong way" he said hastily "no, no" Benny was reassuring "I was wondering that myself but I think she came in with a plan for either of us and she perceived a vulnerability with you and Anna. Had it been Frida post pregnancy and me searching for myself and new meaning, it would have been us" "you're too kind" Bjorn said "there shouldn't have been even a hint of vulnerability perceived or otherwise" "we are all human Bjorn, every person and marriage is vulnerable at some time or another, it's about how we manage those times" "when did you get so wise?" Bjorn sighed "when I met Frida and realised this was how it was supposed to feel and that I had a second chance to get it right." Benny sent him a sideways glance which Bjorn read correctly" and you learnt from watching me fuck it all up I suppose" "something like it" Benny replied "Fair play to you, I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy" he got up and helped himself to another whiskey and gestured towards Benny with the bottle "another?" "Yeah, might as well" Benny held out his glass "I know I said one but somehow we deserve it" he looked at his watch "it's late but I'm wide awake"
Bjorn settled back down shoving the letters out of the way "how is she really Benny? Would she let me at least talk to her do you think? I would like to hear her voice at least. I could make a start on fixing it all if she'd at least hear me. I'd settle for a hi" he sounded so tired and defeated that Benny couldn't help himself "today was the first time she asked after you, she's seen the papers" "oh fucking hell" Bjorn just couldn't help the tears that sprang to his eyes "that's it then, that's the end" "she isn't stupid Bjorn, she knows something doesn't add up here. She didn't read them for months because she couldn't face seeing you so happy" "but I'm..." He subsided when Benny held up a hand "both Frida and I told her to read them and she has. She says you don't look well and she asked if you were ok, if you were ill" Hope bloomed in Bjorn's chest "she cares?" "Of course she bloody cares or we wouldn't be in this bloody mess" Benny snapped "I told you at the beginning she went away because she loves you. I dont know how many times I have to tell you. She did what you told her you wanted, she wants you to be happy. You told her what would make you happy and she did it."Benny frowned "but that doesn't make her a weak woman just because she loves you. It's the strongest thing I've ever seen, to leave the man she loves behind so that he can be happy and bring his kids up alone until he decides he wants them. To go through everything  she has on her plate alone, she's one hell of a woman" Bjorn suffered the unintended blows quietly "she is yes, one of the million reasons I married her. What does she have to deal with Benny other than the kids? Does she say?" Benny frowned suddenly aware of how close he'd come to giving away Anna's biggest secret "well it's everything isn't it?" he covered quickly "she's somewhere strange, setting up a new home, Linda at least must be in school. Maybe Christian has a kindergarten. It all needs sorting, she has to do things alone now and maybe things she hasn't done for years" "such as?" Bjorn asked  "oh I don't know, grocery shopping? Paying bills, finding a mechanic for the car" Benny shrugged "it must be overwhelming but she's managing" "I suppose she must be but it keeps me up at night all the things that she's up against, that could go wrong, that might've already gone wrong and I don't know" "you and me both" Benny sighed "but she says she's fine and the kids are fine. I have to trust her. When she's ready she'll engage a bit more, she already wants to sing, she asked after you for the first time tonight. I will always believe that there is hope for all of us" The silence fell again "what did she ask?" Bjorn asked quietly "can I talk to her?" "She asked if you were ill, she asked if you were happy." Benny repeated patiently "I said no to both, she's already ahead of us I think, she's connected something but won't say. I wonder if she thinks you're actually with Lena and doesn't want to accuse her of anything" "does heartsick count?" Bjorn asked tiredly "I'm terminally ill with that. I feel like it will kill me. Will she let me talk to her?" he asked again "I don't know mate, you were so angry the last time you spoke to her I would think that she would be terrified of what you would say. I can ask" he offered "I can explain" "Try for me" Bjorn begged "when is the next time?" "It won't be for a few days now because we have so much going on and she has to walk to the phone" "I'm sorry?" Bjorn asked as he backpedaled "she what?" "She won't buy a phone, she says she doesn't want the noise and it's too expensive" "too expensive??" Bjorn parroted disbelievingly "I fucking knew it Benny, she hasn't got enough money has she? She's poor because of me, she left with nothing because of me! It just gets fucking worse, I thought you were paying her ABBA money into her account? That should be keeping her at least comfortable and she should be able to afford a fucking phone! What if something happens to her? Or the kids? What's she going to do? Send out fucking smoke signals? Fucking ridiculous" his words ended on a snap "and for once you and I agree but she refuses, we only knew she walked to the doctor's to use the phone in the last few weeks, she never said. Frida was angry with her too, we need to be able to keep in touch with her too and she's making it difficult, very difficult"
Bjorn recognising that in this at least Benny and he were in accord settled with grumbling "she's always so bloody stubborn, once she makes up her mind about something there's no shifting her" "you can" Benny said softly "you're the only one who can talk her down and she's the only one who can talk sense into you when you go off half cocked with some wild idea or another" Bjorn couldn't help his grin "I can't argue with you because you're right" his grin faded but she doesn't want to talk to me, she's hiding from me. I'd love to hear her voice again even if she's yelling at me. It's been so long" "I'll call the number she gave us, apparently it's the local doctor, she sits in a little room to chat and set up another time and Frida and I will try to persuade her that things are different now. Because they are aren't they?" He shot Bjorn a sideways look "oh they couldn't be more different" he paused "wait just a bloody minute. How long have you had the number?" he asked "I mean the number that you can call her on?" "Frida got it out of her 3 maybe 4 days ago. We had to tear into her to get it, she wouldn't have but with us all being gone this long she will be.." he stopped considering his words very carefully "more vulnerable" Bjorn had the distinct feeling that Benny had been going to say something else but as no more was forthcoming he said "maybe Frida will put in a good word for me, tell her I'm a reformed character and I'd  very much like to talk to her. Tell her I won't hurt her anymore" "tell her yourself "Benny grumped "I'll do my part" Bjorn didn't respond as Benny was expecting instead he looked lost in thought "if you have the number now surely we can trace it by the area code or at least get close? Surely it would give us a better idea?" Bjorn felt the first stirrings of real hope "damn us for being in Canada!" he griped "it would be easier in Sweden for sure, would it work Benny?" Benny felt ridiculous for not thinking of it before but in his defence there had been a huge amount of pressure getting this all off the ground and carrying the full weight of ABBA mostly alone "yes I think so, I think you have to call the operator but you're right we  might have a chance of narrowing it down" he snorted "when was the last time you called the operator?" "Damned if I know" Bjorn had the ghost of a laugh for the first time in what felt like forever "we can't do anything now" he consulted his watch "it's close to four in the morning at home and actually much as it pains me I feel we ought to focus on Lena while we're here. Even if I talk to Anna I can't do anything while I'm here, I'm halfway round the bloody world and I want no more misunderstandings, if she gives me the chance I will but I won't push her. I don't want my words to fail me at a critical time and I need to be able to see her face when I do talk to her, I need to be right there with her so she doesn't run from me again, so she can see that I mean what I say even if my words do fail me" Benny wondered privately if Bjorn was too scared to talk to Anna but then if he put himself in Bjorn's shoes he would be worried too. "Anna can read me like no one else can and that's why this hurts so much, she saw something in me that I didn't even see in myself. She saw it before I knew it. I need her to read me now, to see what I see now, to see me as I am" Benny was silenced "yeah I can see that. Let's focus on Lena for now then and I'll ring Anna in a few days, we'll see how you feel then. Maybe you could listen or something I don't know" Bjorn smiled sadly "maybe that's best for now, I don't know. I don't know what's best to do" His uncharacteristic indecision bothered him, the man whose life was words and lyrics had lost them, his words had failed him and the silence was absolute.