Because She Loved Him

I See You

Bjorn kept going, he was pretty sure that the track wasn't as long as it felt, the wind and the rain were just making it feel endless, not to mention the various trees and other obstacles that were in his way. He wasn't deterred in the slightest but could admit to relief when he finally saw her little car tucked at the side of the track as far out of sight as possible and the first genuine smile made it's way onto his face after months of fakery and hiding "here you are my love" he murmured "no more hiding for either of us" He climbed the steps and lifted his hand to knock then hesitated as his nerves took over,was 0100 a good time? Not really. What would he say? Would he wake the kids? He nearly walked away and waited till the morning but found he couldn't do it, he was so close and he couldn't bear to leave her. He knocked on the door and surprisingly heard movement but it was slow and sounded unusual, he waited impatiently but the door didn't open and he honestly couldn't blame her. No sane person would open the door in the middle of the night in the middle of such a ferocious storm. When he heard the sound of her pain though his decision was made, he tried the door handle and much to his surprise it opened. His eyes adjusted to the oil lamp light rapidly and there she was right behind the door trying to shove him out but he was stuck in eyes he hadn't seen for an eternity and he was immovable "please don't" he whispered "you're not supposed to be here" she said hoarsely "I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be" he corrected gently still focused on her face and not looking anywhere else "go away, you don't want this" she gritted, he saw her grimace and he refocused noticing her death grip on the door handle "I do want this, I want you. I love you, let me in Anna" he said softly mindful of the children. "No, go away" she repeated determinedly. He noticed sweat dripping down her face and saw her grip on the doorframe failing "Oh Christ!" She groaned "fuck off back to your new life, fuck off back to her. I'm fine without you. You don't want us and you love her not me" her words ended on a gutteral growl that made his hair stand on end "what the hell.." he started but caught her instead when her legs buckled. He staggered at her unexpected weight but didn't falter as he pulled her against him to steady her and started walking her backwards into the house. It was then that he became aware of her shape, it was also when Anna started fighting him like the alley cat Benny had predicted "let me go, please let me go" she sobbed "the hell I will" he snapped "the hell I will, never again. Stop it Anna please" he pleaded subduing her gently "stop fighting me" he could feel her belly against him tight and huge and everything that he couldn't answer, every little thing that had nagged at him before fell into place for him. He got her in and kicked the door shut behind him and guided her to the sofa, he put her on it and stepped back enough to shrug off his soaking wet coat and get his wet hair out of his eyes. His brain slowed down for what felt like an eternity but was only a few seconds "get out" she said weakly "get out, you don't want us" she repeated "I'll keep them safe" "I do want you. I want all of you" he dropped to his knees in front of her "I won't go Anna. I've spent months hunting you down. You didn't make it easy" "they aren't safe, you aren't safe. I'm not crazy. You weren't supposed to find me" she spat and she shoved him out of the way with a strength that shocked him, he fell back onto the floor "you hate me" he looked up at her from where he'd fallen, Christ she was magnificent standing there he thought. He stood up and focused 100 percent on her "you're not crazy" he agreed "I don't hate you" he disagreed just as vehemently "you chose her" she spat but her voice wobbled and he knew she would break, he moved closer regardless "you ....you" but she couldn't finish and the tears came in heaving torrents that she couldn't control, then she hit him, not hard because it was an expression of her utter despair and frustration with him, he deserved it and he knew it. It descended into a flurry of blows to his shoulders and chest that didn't physically hurt but emotionally devastated him and then she collapsed taking them both to the floor. He held her tight as she sobbed and it was gut wrenching but he found hope in being allowed to hold her and repeated endlessly how sorry he was and how much he loved her, how he chose her over and over again. He could feel the contractions rolling through her and they felt powerful. He took courage and addressed the unspoken "I found the something in all this I was missing didn't I?" he asked quietly " he smoothed a gentle hand over Anna's bump "I knew there had to be another reason you left me, you're in labour Anna. You hid this from me" "you don't want the ones we have and you don't want any more. They need love. I didn't force you to do something you didn't want to. You'd hate us more than you do" it was a whisper but she may as well have shouted it from the rooftops for the impact it had on him "you don't want any more with me, it was a mistake...I had a cold" she sobbed endlessly until Bjorn was genuinely concerned "I've never been more wrong in my life. I will always want them, love them" Bjorn said close to tears himself "do you hear me? " He remembered the cold she'd had and his terrible reaction to her illness with shame and he also remembered the passionate encounter that had so obviously led to her pregnancy but any conversation that they might have had was forgotten when a contraction hit her that neither of them could ignore, Bjorn felt it himself and the helpless clutch of her hands in his chest told its own story "I hate you" she moaned "not as much as I hate myself" Bjorn replied "but I love you very much and right now we have a problem" "not yours" she growled "not your problem, we're fine without you" she breathed through it "be that as it may I am not fine without you! Fractured we may be, wounded we may be Anna but I know this child is mine and I am as eager to meet them as they clearly are to be out in the world with us " "there is no us. You made that very clear. Oh fuck, this HURTS" she tried not to yell and wake the children but it was getting harder as each contraction came and went "there will always be an us Anna always. I've made the worst mistakes of my life with you and there is a lot you don't know. A lot we need to talk about but not right now "I don't want you" she snapped and it broke his heart."I know" he admitted "but I'm what you have now and right now you need me as much as I need you and I want you enough for both of us. You aren't forcing me Anna. I want this with everything I am"
He got up from the floor and pulled her up, he couldn't help himself "you are so fucking beautiful, you grew your hair. It's stunning" he groaned then shook himself out of it "I need to get help" he said putting her back on the sofa "No, no, no,no,no,no" she panicked "you said you wouldn't leave me" she contradicted everything she had just said and heaved herself out of the sofa "we need help Anna...your history with..." His words were cut short by a sound that shocked them both to silence, liquid hitting the floor with a loud gush and he could see her dress and the floor was soaked. The silence from both of them was profound only to be interrupted by a small voice that he hadn't heard for far too long "Papa?" Bjorn whirled rapidly and he saw Linda stood there with her hair all mussed, clutching her teddy and eyes heavy with sleep, his heart shattered all over again "Hi Baby girl" he choked. He held out his arms and Linda hesitated "Mama said you'd come back and see me one day when I was older" Bjorn's eyes closed at Anna's kindness "I'm not older" she said innocently "are you back?" Bjorn went back on his knees "I couldn't wait that long Baby, I missed you all too much. I couldn't wait until you were older. Yes I'm back" "will you go away again?" Linda asked anxiously Bjorn shook his head no but couldn't get the words out without crying "no I won't go away again" "don't promise them that" Anna snarled "you won't stay, you have a better life now" "I will stay Anna. I won't leave ever again. You are my life, my only life and I'm promising you too" Bjorn replied firmly. She didn't answer because she was struggling through another contraction and her breath was taken away from her. Bjorn was a conflicted man in that second, Anna needed him, even if she couldn't say it he could see it but he also knew his daughter needed him so he stayed on his knees at Linda's level and held his arms out "Papa would love a hug" he said hoarsely "I've missed you very much while I've been away" Linda walked towards him slowly looking unsure "you've been away a long time Papa." "I have" he agreed "Papa had to learn some things and make himself better before I could come back" "have you been poorly?" Linda asked " Yes" Bjorn answered honestly "but I'm getting better and now I'm here with you and Mama I'll keep getting better" he accepted her small arms round his neck with a relief and joy that he'd never expected to feel again. He rose to his feet with her in his arms and made his way back to Anna "I love you, both of you" he whispered he juggled Linda a bit and put his arm around Anna, she was tense but didn't push him off and he'd take that any day of the week "Linda, I need you to help me" he said gently "Mama is having a baby" "I know" Linda replied and he could see the excitement in her eyes "Mama says I will be a big sister again" "yes baby, you will" Anna managed "Mama is going to have the baby very soon" she didn't get to finish as another contraction came her way "Mama is having the baby now" Bjorn finished for her softly "it's a surprise for Mama, I think she didn't know it was coming today" he guessed he was right by the snort he heard from her "and an even bigger surprise for me" he continued "It's the best surprise I've ever had" he held Anna's gaze firmly letting her read everything he had to say because he knew she could and she was the first to look away "Linda, Mama and I need to help the baby. The storm means we have to stay here" "is the baby sick?" Linda asked looking worried "no baby girl, but I need to look after Mama. It hurts Mama when she has a baby so I need to go and get the doctor" Bjorn thought fast because he could see Anna was hanging on to the back of a chair, rocking from side to side and he winced at the effort he saw from her as she fought not to frighten Linda by yelling, she was humming instead and even though he could hear the pitch was different he marvelled at her control. He was sure anyone else would be screaming the house down at this point "Bjorn!!" she growled "ok" he said hastily "sorry, Linda can you go back to bed? It's really late and you don't want to sleep through meeting the baby do you?" "Is it coming soon?"Linda wriggled with excitement "it is, the baby will be here when you wake up and we'll need you to help the baby. You need to sleep tight like a good girl" he looked at Anna "will you be alright while I put her to bed?" he asked concerned she nodded sharply "Christian is in there" she gritted through the pain and met his eyes. For the first time he saw her eyes soften for him and he smiled gently and nodded "thank you" and he thought he saw the ghost of a smile "I'll be as quick as I can" he carried Linda through the only corridor there was and found that there was only two rooms and a tiny bathroom, he could see a gentle glow in one room so he tried that one first.
Lo and behold her small, everything pink bed came into view but he couldn't help making a beeline for Christian's cot and there he was, blonde as his mother fast asleep on his front bottom slightly stuck up in the air, Bjorn's eyes were teary as he looked at his toddler son who he'd last seen when he was still breastfeeding and a babe in arms and now he was nearly too big for his cot. So much he had missed through his own actions, his own stupidity, his ego. It would never happen again he vowed. He resisted the nearly overwhelming urge to wake him, he needed them both to sleep for now for Anna's sake. Linda was asleep on his shoulder already and Bjorn longed to hold her like this forever, so much time had slipped through his fingers but for now Anna and this new baby had to come first. His head and heart were whirling at everything he was facing but he had to push the regret, the pain,the guilt aside for now. He was going to be a Papa to three beautiful children and a worthy husband for one beautiful, extraordinary wife. He couldn't take no for an answer, he'd do it right this time. He forced his mind back to what he was doing and settled Linda back into bed, soothing her and making promises that this time he would keep. He couldn't resist cuddling Linda until she went to sleep, thankfully it didn't take long at all, neither could he resist touching his son on the way past careful not to wake him.
He made sure to close the door and made himself walk down the corridor rather than run as he wanted, to keep the children asleep and everything calm, he adored his children but he needed to be alone with Anna right now. He knew that they couldn't talk as they needed to but they needed to reconnect and he needed help. The storm had become a distant soundtrack to what was happening in that little cottage but it was still making itself more than heard. He came back into the room to find Anna just where he left her. Her knuckles white from the ferocious grip she still had on the chair, her eyes were closed and she was still rocking from side to side. He reached out and brushed her hair off her face "I love you" he whispered "I know you doubt me, you have good reason to. We'll talk properly later but for now to get us all through this you need to know that I love you, I have always loved you and I will love you forever" he tucked her hair behind her ears "look at me" she shook her head "look at me" he repeated softly "I love you, I've learned a brutal lesson or a hundred. I don't know. I never chose her, I chose you and I will choose you for an eternity" she looked him in the eye "you walked away from me, you turned your back" she sounded so broken that Bjorn wondered how he would ever make this right "I did" his voice caught "I'm so sorry. I was drunk. I don't remember, Benny told me" he wiped a tear from his cheek "I never meant for any of this" he peeled her fingers off the chair "I'll hurt you" she mumbled "I've never once seen you cry" she went on softly. He looped her arms around his neck and his own around her waist and rocked her through another contraction "there's been a lot of tears from me Anna. A lot, we can't talk properly now but I just need you to know before we bring this beautiful baby into the world that I love you, our kids all of them. I want you all. You won't hurt me, not in that way anyway" he shifted to take her weight a bit more "I need to try and get help Anna" he reminded her "I hate you" she sighed but it sounded much softer now, questioning perhaps "I know" he rested his chin on top of her head "me too. I hate me too"
"You shouldn't be here. You made your choice" she sounded exhausted "I made mine, you were right. It was me who wanted the children..." She tailed off " I should be here, I should have been with you all along. I never should have said those things about the children. I lied to you" he argued "I know you're lying now" she mumbled "what is this? Rehab with the press? The mighty Bjorn Ulvaeus doesn't want the world to know he's a lying, cheating bastard?" "The world knows Anna, nothing is hidden. The world knows what I am. It's everywhere" he bore her words stoically because he deserved every one of them but it didn't mean that they didn't hurt him terribly "it isn't all the papers say, but they aren't entirely wrong" he admitted quietly "I am a bastard and I did lie. I don't deny it, but I am not that man anymore. You've ripped any artifice of arrogance away from me and made me face what I became" "I didn't leave to do that" but her words ended on a moan of agony and a grip on him that was truly punishing "Anna, we can't talk about this now" he told her urgently "I need to get help, we need help. I can't do this alone" she nodded "ok. I'll be fine" he was reminded of her wet state when he felt her shivering "stay there" he ordered and he went back down the corridor cursing when he had to come back for the lamp "sorry" he said quickly as he took it. He went into the room opposite the children and found her things, her room. He saw a small wardrobe and a chest of drawers and after a quick rummage he found a long t shirt and her dressing gown. He took heart from a photo of them both he saw on the floor by her bed and only thought to frown as he was rushing back down the hall at the lack of furniture. All that was wiped from his mind when he got back to her. "Dry clothes, you need dry clothes...and heat" he put the clothes down where she could reach them and went to put wood on both sadly neglected stoves and made sure they had both caught. He turned back to her and realised that she really was in no fit state to undress herself but for the first time in all the years he had known her, he hesitated because they were in a different place now and what he had so wrongly taken for granted was no longer his to assume. He cleared his throat "do you?....should I?...." When he lifted his eyes she was looking straight at him "I don't know what to do!" he told her sadly "I don't have the right anymore, I don't..." "Now is not the time to get squeamish Bjorn. Sorry you've come at the wrong time" she was waspish and in pain "I'm well aware I'm not looking my best, even worse than when you last saw me. This isn't my idea of fun either you know!" Bjorn was stung by her tone but swallowed his response "I can't do it for myself, I'm sorry that you've been dragged into this. I know I'm not what you want anymore. This is a nightmare and everything I tried to avoid" she sobbed a bit and it wasn't because of her labour "Anna, you are everything to me, you are all I want and you've never looked more beautiful to me than you do right now. You've done this alone, I should have been here but you are mighty and I'm here now. Older, wiser, vulnerable, guilty and totally and utterly in love with you. I'm here now." he approached her "you need to change clothes and I need...want to help you" he grabbed her hands again when she reached out and they rode out another contraction together "what made me think I could do this? I'm useless like you said. HURTS" she moaned "you're not useless" Bjorn comforted "you're transitioning. I remember last time and the time before. This bit will pass very soon. You are my queen Anna. You've made a beautiful home here and kept my children safe and loved while I lost my mind. You left a band you love and lived on nothing because of me. You are so far from useless that I don't have the words" he smiled at her and she smiled back "perhaps" she allowed "but it still fucking hurts and I'm terrified. It's eased a bit, we need to be quick" she lifted her arms in the air and Bjorn took that to mean help so he pulled the sopping wet dress over her head and was confronted by a sight that he hoped no one would ever see but him, he knew that he would cry and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. "Oh Christ Anna, you're going to end me" and the tears came. He didn't try to stop them but he also didn't stop helping her "I nearly missed it. Would you ever have told me?" he asked "yes, when you wanted them again, when you could love them. They won't be so demanding when they are older" her eyes shone with honesty "no go Anna" he said softly "you're stuck with me now" "but you don't...." "But I do. We'll talk about this when the baby is here. I'm not leaving you" he reassured her "well I'll go to get help" he amended "but I'm coming back" The tone of her voice changed "I can't do this" she growled "I don't want.." Bjorn could see the sweat pouring off her "tell me" he begged "what do you need?" He saw her fingers plucking at her bra and panties and he detected panic in her voice  "OFF" she snapped "I can't breathe, I'm hot. I'm choking" He hastily unsnapped her bra "it's ok darling girl, you're nearly through this bit, you've done this all before" he murmured supportively "you're not choking" he popped a loose dry t shirt over her head "do you want these off now? They must be uncomfortable" he touched the side of her panties but she wasn't seeing him at the moment, she was inside her own head so he took the initiative knowing they would be wet and cold and pulled them down her legs, he knelt to take them off for her tapping one leg and then the other grateful when she responded to him even though she was unaware and vulnerable "You're ok" he said "you're ok my love" he settled a gentle kiss on her rock hard belly on his way back up "let's get you settled till I get back, I'm going to run back down and talk to the vicar. He'll know where the doctor is" He settled her on the sofa and got her water to drink "I'll be quick, quicker than I've ever been I promise" he shouldered into the coat. I'll find help. I'd yell at you for not having a phone if it wasn't for this storm!" Her eyes flashed to his "it wouldn't have worked anyway" he gave her a lopsided grin "I've been yelling at myself" she admitted breathlessly "you'll be careful won't you?" she begged "I'll be fine" he strode towards her "I see you Anna. I see what you don't say and I see you now." He'd seen the love that she couldn't hide, the love that Benny and Frida had spoken of but he longed for her to say it. He'd say it for them both for an eternity if he had to. He wasn't blind anymore and that was enough. He bent and kissed her hard "I love you, one for the road" he left as violently as he came, the wind tearing at him and the door and the silence was so absolute that for a moment Anna seriously wondered if it had been a dream conjured from her longing mixed with pregnancy hormones but her silence was cruelly interrupted by a massive crash close to the house, very close and despite her pretending to herself she didn't care she screamed his name in absolute terror and launched off the sofa opening the door. If he'd been hit by a falling tree she'd never forgive herself but she found herself facing the darkness alone and screaming over the wind, yelling his name, despite the noise it was like screaming into the void and the silence was absolute.