Because She Loved Him

Calm Before The Storm.

The silence felt eternal but it was in her soul not in the storm of the outside world, she waited for a reply from the man she loved because of everything and in spite of everything. Screaming into the void was exhausting but she didn't give up, the thought of him being hurt or killed by the fallen tree that she could see now blocking the top of the track, horrifyingly close to the house spurred her on. The wind whipped her hair around her viciously but she ignored it "you don't get to do this again" she yelled "I'm so fucking angry with you" she heard a noise to her left and her head snapped round "that I can cope with" she heard him say with a relief that took her to her knees again "because there's no way out now Anna. It's just you and me and you need that anger to get us through this" he sounded winded and odd but alive "I hate you!" she yelled "you terrify me. I thought you were fucking dead, squashed" she heard his footsteps on the deck and without thought her hands reached for him. She felt his hands grasp hers firmly "it was close" he said honestly "but I'm here" he brushed her hair out of her eyes so she could see "come on, we need to go indoors. It's dangerous out here" he didn't wait for her to answer. He pulled her to her feet and then carried her indoors "you can't carry me" she said weakly "I'm gigantic" she felt his chest heave in what felt suspiciously like a laugh "no, just wonderfully pregnant and tired. I'm holding my universe and that will never be any weight at all, not for me. I'll carry you for the rest of my life. I'll say it in every universe there is Anna" he carried her in, put her back on the sofa and did battle to shut the door and bolt it against the storm.
When he turned Anna's horrified eyes zeroed in on his bloodstained arm and a trickle of blood at his temple "you're hurt" she whispered "oh Bjorn, you're hurt" for the first time he detected real softness from her "the tree hit you" it wasn't a question "I'll be fine" he dismissed automatically "I'm much more concerned about you" "let me see" she demanded and she struggled out of the sofa "why must you be so bloody stubborn?" he shot back equally frustrated "I love you more than my own life Anna I do but how can you even think of me when you're in so much pain? You're in labour for god's sake" "because I'm weak, stupid, crazy" she whispered slumping back down defeated "why did you have to look for me? You weren't supposed to look for us." She choked a bit "you said I was holding you all back, I don't want that. I want you to be happy" Bjorn froze in the act of taking his coat off "I was doing ok" she whispered "now I'll have to start all over again when you go. Just when I've learned to exist without you, here you are. Why couldn't you let me be?" She sounded exhausted "I can't let you be Anna" he murmured quietly "I'm not capable of letting you be. You might be able to live without me but I cannot live without you. I will not" he was firm and she was quiet "I am everything you don't want, everything you've left behind, everything you've moved on from. I am everything I ever was, more maybe. Let me be Bjorn, live your life. Live your choices, your decisions. I don't blame you" she was stopped by a contraction and Bjorn wrapped his arms around her silently " Anna, I want to hear you, I want you to hear me, really hear what I'm telling you. We are going to sort out this horrendous mess I've got us into but right now the baby and you have other plans" she touched his bleeding temple "does it hurt?" she whispered "not enough to stop me helping you" he whispered back and for a moment there was peace between them, like the world was holding its breath. She met his eyes for the first time "why are you here?" she asked "because I love you" he answered her with no hesitation "because I need you, because I miss you" he stroked her hair back with one hand "you cheated on me" her words were soft in volume and faintly questioning "you want her" he shook his head "I don't think I did Anna, I will explain everything, I'll try at least. For you. I don't want her" he couldn't hide the shudder that rocked through him and Anna frowned because she felt it too "but.." she didn't get to finish "she makes me feel dirty" Bjorn growled helplessly "my skin crawls and I can't get her off me. I can't stand her near me" Anna could feel his skin, cold and clammy "what.." she asked ignoring the contraction tearing through her "Anna I can't. Not now."Bjorn said and his voice cracked "you and the baby are the most important things to me right now. Not me"
Anna was silenced both by him and the contraction but she didn't let go of him, she held on tight and Bjorn wondered if she realised that even in her most vulnerable state she was as much an anchor to him as he was to her "I never said I could live without you" she mumbled hoarsely after the contraction eased "I said I existed, that's two very different things" she shifted "the pressure is horrific in my back Bjorn" she got up without his help and proceeded to walk a perpetual loop around the room while he was still digesting what she'd said "it is" he agreed quietly "I understand you" he shook his head "I need to focus Anna, focus on you now. We need to...." "Bjorn I'm in no fucking mood to have to mind what I say to you!"she snapped "in the not too distant future I'm having a baby in a cabin in the woods. This isn't what I planned. It's like a horror movie. If you can't cope fuck off back the way you came" she took a breath "I have no medical support, nothing is how it was supposed to be. This baby may have been a mistake but it is my joy, my peace even if it isn't yours. This baby will be loved! If we end up discussing the horrendous state of whatever is left of our marriage then so be it and if we don't well fine. Whatever it is you want will come soon enough" Bjorn watched her quietly "you are my peace" he said eventually "you are my joy, you are the mother of my children who are precious gifts you gave me." he sighed "I know what I want, I don't want to discuss the stuff we need to when you're in labour and vulnerable. I don't want you to forget the words I say or think I'm taking advantage of the situation but you're right it will come regardless" "you shouldn't be here Bjorn, this isn't the life you have chosen, it's the life I have chosen and I know that" "my life is wherever you are. I choose you, this, us. No doubts, I made my life hell. You ripped my heart and soul to pieces and it's no less than I deserve" He held up a hand to stop her instinctive protest "whether you meant to or not, whether you thought I wouldn't notice or care doesn't matter now. I was in a hell of my own making. I needed the lesson, I needed to be bought down and you bought me down in flames and I burned. I'm still burning Anna and I don't know what will rise out of the ashes. I'm not the man I was then" he leaned forward "I did fucking notice and god damn you I care, more than care" he stood up then and turned away from her jerkily "don't do that, don't keep doing that!" the agony in her voice made him swing back round so fast he nearly overbalanced himself "all I ever see is you turning your back on me. I close my eyes and all I see is your back and you walking away and all I fucking hear is those words you said to me. Hell? You talk about hell? What about my hell? Over and over again I see you walk away from me. Holding hands with that whore who just wants your money and to get you away from me. She threatened my children, she threatened you, me and you walked away with her. I saw you and I can't unsee it! God damn you too! It's tattooed on my eyelids for the rest of my life!" She stopped for a breath "and now I'm having a baby you don't want but it's the last thing I'll ever have of you!" her voice had risen to near full volume "why can't you understand?" His heart broke and he stood next to her "I won't do it any more Anna. I didn't think, it isn't the same but I won't do it any more I promise. I will never turn my back on you again" he pulled her to him "I won't. My eyes will never leave you again. I didn't see you go and I will never forgive myself for it but I felt it, I'll always feel it. You saw everything, you saw it all and I was blind. I told you I'm not blind anymore. I see you like I've never seen you before. I love you" "You're just saying that" his arms tightened around her involuntarily "you know in your heart I'm not just saying it, you know I don't do that" "I don't think I know you at all" she mumbled "Benny said that too" Bjorn admitted honestly "the man you both talk of is long gone, I don't know who he was either. I'm not the old me either. I don't know quite who I am now but I do know that I love you, I know I want you and everything that comes with you. I love our children. Regardless of what I said I want them, I love them. They are ours and my world is empty and cold without them. I want this one too" he smoothed a tender hand over her belly and pressed a kiss to her forehead "we can't talk much more" he whispered "someone is demanding our attention" "it doesn't feel like the last time" Anna shared " it feels quicker, too quick. I'm terrified Bjorn, what if something goes wrong?" "You've got this far darling girl, we must nearly be there. You'd know if there was something wrong, I know you would. I have faith in you, I still have faith in you and in me, in us." He rocked her a little "it's nearly 0400, I've been here three hours and I think you've been labouring a long time before that" she nodded against his chest "yes" she whispered "I think so" "this is your third baby Anna, your body knows what it's doing, it knows and it's doing it so well. I think it's why it feels quick" he smirked tiredly "We've also distracted ourselves with issues that should have waited" "they couldn't wait" Anna snapped "my back Bjorn! It's killing me" she sobbed a little "sorry, it's not your fault" Bjorn laughed at that, he couldn't help it "I think it is half my fault, it took two of us to get you pregnant and I remember exactly when this little one was conceived" her surprise took her mind off her pain "you do??" "Oh yes Anna, I do. You were everything that night and you still are. I remember every detail and those memories saved me and tormented me in equal measure" he turned her gently and leant her against the wall "where?" he asked gently, she pointed down so he massaged the base of her spine "more" she managed and he increased the pressure "oh god, that feels better, don't stop, please don't stop" "those very words got us into this in the very first place, I never could resist you" he muttered resignedly, he was surprised to hear her snort then let loose an explosive giggle then huffed a laugh himself "I'm in no position to argue" she said "I think I have to move Bjorn" she sobered quickly "do we need to settle Anna?" he asked her "yes, fuck, yes! Oh god Bjorn I think I need to push!" "Now??" Bjorn tempered his yell hastily "Jesus Christ Anna, a bit of warning, we aren't ready!" "Back rub worked too well" she joked half heartedly "we won't ever be 'ready' Bjorn. It'll be ok" "What? What happened to 'I'm terrified Bjorn' 'No medical help Bjorn'??" he was the one panicking now "you're right" she said as they wobbled across the lounge together "I am?" Bjorn parroted with genuine surprise "about what?" "it's just you, me and the kids" she paused and her legs threatened to buckle, the groan that she let out was hair raising and a harbinger of what was to come. Bjorn took matters into his own hands and picked her up again and this time she didn't protest "where?" he asked rapidly, she waved a hand towards the sofa "kids" she ground out and Bjorn understood. The bedroom was too close to the kids, she didn't want to scare them. Bjorn wished with everything he had that he had gone earlier for help, tried harder, tried again. He had all the money in the world and none of it, not one bit of it could help him now. It was down to him and despite his reassuring words he was terrified, this was so far out of his comfort zone that it scared him far more than anything else that had happened to him recently "Anna is there any other way out of here darling girl? One that doesn't involve trees?" "You're leaving me? Now?" she gasped "I'm not leaving you" he said hastily "your birth history is complex you know that. I should be shot for wasting time talking" "it needed to be said" Anna growled "there's no good time!" "There might have been a better time" Bjorn grumbled ruefully "I don't know what I'm doing Anna" he hesitated "I'm terrified too Anna, I've only just found you. I can't lose you, it would kill me. I can't fuck this all up again" Anna paused "no you can't" she agreed gently but her grip on him would leave bruises "first time I've felt safe since I last saw you" she admitted unwillingly "you have to Bjorn, you have to. Neither of us have a choice now, there's no time." She suffered through another contraction "I thought I could do this alone but I can't" Bjorn's head was still catching up with her saying she felt safe with him "this bit at least" she amended hastily, he snapped out of his daze "any of it" he corrected firmly and she hadn't the energy to argue "there's a bag" she said hoarsely "in my bedroom, we need it" He got the bag, towels and sheets from the cupboard and had just got back to the lounge when he heard Christian crying "oh god no" Anna groaned "I can't..." "I will" Bjorn reassured her "it's ok, I will" "I'm sorry! You don't want this" she started crying again "I never wanted you to see this, see me like this, he's probably hungry and he's still in nappies" "of course he is, he's still just a baby. My son too" Bjorn agreed softly "I can manage, please let me. I know I've wounded you and I know I've broken your trust in me but if nothing else believe me when I say I love my children and I can look after them, I want to. I need to now" he kissed her wet cheek and then went off to sort Christian.
His heart stuttered a different rhythm again when he saw the tearstained red face of his son. Christian was hanging on to the sides of his cot and crying like his heart was as broken as Bjorn's felt "I'm so sorry" he whispered "you don't know me and that is every kind of wrong. You'll know me now, you'll always know me now" he reached out to pick his son up and was crushed when Christian arched away from him and cried louder but Bjorn persevered because he needed to and he had no choice, his son needed him "come on little one, up we come" he whispered and lifted him into his arms, cradling him carefully and couldn't help his smile "you've grown big and strong Christian, Uncle Benny said you'd been running your Mama ragged. I can see why" he rubbed Christian's back soothingly and rocked him from side to side "you're ok little man" he murmured "you're wet though huh? Shall we sort it? Papa will make it better. You look like your Mama don't you?" He chuckled "Mama has a carbon copy of her now, like Linda and me" he was relieved that the sound of his voice seemed to be soothing the situation , perhaps Christian had some memory of his Papa's voice. Bjorn hoped so but if not he would make sure that Christian got to know him. He was swift sorting out Christian's nappy, out of practice admittedly but still he managed it. Christian hadn't stopped grizzling so Bjorn carried him through "he's hungry like you said Anna" he said quietly "are there bottles in the kitchen?" she shook her head "no bottles" Bjorn frowned confused "I do it myself" she admitted "I wanted to with..." she stopped "with Linda" Bjorn finished for her "can you?" he asked gesturing at her with one hand "I don't know, I have to try, he's hungry" he watched over her as she settled on the sheets and towels that he'd put on the floor a few minutes ago. He waited till she held her arms out and marvelled at her strength as he put Christian down in her arms, she leaned on the sofa and sorted herself out, it wasn't long before Christian was busily feeding "I'm sorry" she whispered again "this must be your worst nightmare" Bjorn couldn't tear his eyes away "it's my dream come true Anna. You did feed Linda" he said softly "I remember" "not for as long as I wanted, not as long as I should have done" she replied quietly "she missed out, I don't want that again" Bjorn's memory of that time took on a different meaning, they'd been so busy, it hadn't been fair to either of them. He reached out to touch Christian's chubby cheek and sat down next to Anna "I'm sorry" he whispered "I'm sorry we had no time then. You were right" he inched his arm round her and her head fell onto his shoulder, he smiled quietly shifting so that they fit "he's beautiful and so are you" she snorted "I don't feel anything like beautiful" but she didn't move away and he fancied that she might have tilted herself his way just a little. He sighed content for a moment "what is this Bjorn?" she asked "it feels too quiet, too peaceful" "time to breathe Anna, time for us, your body knows. A little bit of peace"
"Calm before the storm" she whispered and he knew she was right"