Because She Loved Him

The Truth Of The Matter

"Take me back" Bjorn snapped at Benny "Take you back where?" Benny asked, entirely thrown by the random swerve in their conversation "I've had too much to drink, I need to go to Polar" "Now??" Benny spluttered "it's 1245 in the morning! What the hell do you want to go there for?" "I'm missing something, I keep telling you." "And you think the answers are at Polar?" Benny scoffed "the answers aren't there Bjorn, they're inside you and your head. You know the answers you just don't want to face them" "Be that as it may, there is something going on, something else. "Why would she go without fighting it out with me? Christ we've fought like hell over the years, we're fiery, we always have been. We've always fought, it's how we love. Why was this time so different? Why couldn't she face me down?" He growled in frustration "because she tried Bjorn, for months she tried and she really wasn't in any fit state to fight with you" Frida said gently "she was exhausted, overwhelmed. She felt fat, unattractive" "she wasn't fat, she's beautiful , she knows that" Bjorn protested "she doesn't, didn't" Frida murmured "baby hormones are a funny old thing. That day at Polar when we were talking about the Olivia Newton John show, she believed every word she said. Bjorn remembered the conversation "I remember" he said dully "I thought she was just having a moment, I thought I sorted it out" "and you did" Frida said kindly "and that was the first time you'd shown her you for months, she lit up like starlight " Benny agreed softly "she did mate, she looked at you like you hung the moon" Bjorn's heart cracked at their words "thing is it wasn't a one off, I don't think it was" Frida pondered "and I think that's why Lena managed to get under her skin. She shrugs off Bjorn's groupies like they're nothing but not Lena and I have to wonder why" "I don't have groupies" Bjorn protested feebly "you do and you love it, we all do and we all love it except Anna, she has groupies but hers scare her" Benny considered the conversation quietly "you might be onto something there Frida. What if it's a perfect storm? What if it isn't just one thing? What if it isn't just what we know to be so?" Bjorn didn't miss the look shared between Benny and Frida but decided to keep quiet because he felt like they might finally be getting somewhere "such as?" he enquired instead "baby blues, album pressure, Linda being jealous and needy, a new born baby" Benny ticked off his fingers "feeling fat and ugly when you are one of the most beautiful women in the world, a husband who she worships working all hours of the day and night, a husband who doesn't seem to like her anymore let alone love her, she won't fight if she thinks he doesn't love her" Frida continued "she felt her voice wasn't up to standard. I know the children were challenging. I tried to help her" Frida's voice cracked "this isn't on you, none of it is" Bjorn reassured her quietly "this is my fault alone, I know that now. I won't deny it, I don't know what my problem was, I haven't behaved well at all these last months and I deserve this." he paused fighting for his composure "seems to me that I had to lose her in order to understand what I was gambling with, what I stood to lose. Now I have nothing, I lost the gamble and the most important person in my life and my children, regardless of what I may or may not have said or what I have or have not done I do love her very much" Frida blew her nose "you're so stupid Bjorn, a stupid crazy man. Why would you give Lena the attention that Anna craved from you?" "I don't know Frida, I wish I did. Ego? I don't fucking know. I am stupid, I have been stupid, more than stupid, more than crazy but surely you'd agree that I'm paying my dues now? My life isn't worth living without them" "Even the children?" Frida asked " Yes the children, of course the children" he snapped "how could you question that?" "Because she did" Benny sighed "at some point you told her the children were a nuisance, you wished you had never had them, too many times, she excused you every time, putting it down to stress, her being too demanding of you. She tried to keep them out of your way, they are so young" Bjorn was crushed and even though he wished his brain not to be so quick, this time he could see himself saying those terrible words but now he could also see what he had wilfully ignored the first time around, he could see Anna's face and he could read the confusion, the heartbreak and the devastation so clearly. Why he hadn't seen them at the time he couldn't say, he supposed that he didn't want to "I did tell her that, I don't know why. I lied to her and I lied to myself. I thought I wanted freedom. I don't, she has always been my freedom I see that now. Without her I am the one in prison"