Because She Loved Him

Scorched Earth.

Bjorn clattered up the stairs with indecent haste intent on getting all the other letters out and trying to make some sense of the timeline, having had weeks of burying his head in the sand, drowning his sorrows in alcohol and generally being an arse hole. Why the hell he hadn't believed her he didn't know, why he didn't put it all together before now he didn't know and most of all he didn't know why he hadn't been hunting for her from the minute he knew she was gone. He grunted as he went up the last few stairs because he knew that wasn't true, he knew that his rage at her audacity had overwhelmed him and his ego had done the rest of the job, not to mention the fact he'd been blinded by Lena, he was a long way from facing up to everything that had occured but he hoped he'd made a start.
He pulled her bedside drawer all the way out and upended it on the bed and pulled out every letter and put them to the side in a pile, he pulled out several notepads and put them on the pile too and he found stacks of photos of him with the kids and a few of him alone, some he was smiling in, some he was talking in. Others he was working but as he looked through them all he realized that there were none of her, not one and that meant she'd taken all of these and kept them in her drawer. Most of them he hadn't seen and he wondered why she'd hidden them from him, he also realized how one sided she must have felt their love was, when had he truly lost sight of her? He shuddered to think, when had he become so blind to everything around him that should have been important, Benny had asked him these questions in his way, he didn't want to answer him then and he couldn't even answer himself now. He shoved those thoughts out of his mind for now and did what he did best and he concentrated on those letters to the exclusion of everything else, he picked them all up together with the notebooks and took them downstairs. He put them all on the kitchen table and spread them all out and made himself a pot of strong coffee then he forced himself to read every single one again and truth be told they horrified him all over again, he'd had no idea until now that there were so many, they were horrendous and yet he clearly remembered dismissing Anna when she had shared her concerns with him. He'd told her it was to be expected when they were that famous but he hadn't stopped to think, to ask, worse he'd refused to read them and now his brain was actually working he began to question his assumptions and to question things he should have picked up on long ago. He could see that there had to be some letters missing just because of the narrative in the others and he wondered what happened to those, he put the letters he had in order and put them to the side then focused on her notebooks and read until his eyes were gritty and he could no longer focus properly but by the time he was forced to give up he'd picked out from her scribbles everything that she'd been so scared of, little things that by themselves could be explained away but when put all together made for a very dark picture and he cursed himself all over again for not going after her straight away, it had been weeks and he had absolutely no idea where they were and despite his every action pointing to the opposite he desperately missed them all, he longed for everything he'd moaned about, the chaos, the noise, the snotty noses and the constant questions. He wondered at how big Christian would be now and his heart splintered at what he surely had missed, little ones grew so quickly and even before Anna had gone he'd missed so much, he despaired at the thought that Christian would never know his papa and Linda was young enough to forget. He couldn't imagine how he'd got to the point of wishing them gone for now that they were it was a bitter pill to swallow and his regret threatened to burn him alive. He didn't want to imagine his life without the children and when he did all he saw was loneliness and darkness. Much worse at that moment was the thought of living his life without Anna and he finally understood her dilemma, loving him and their kids, making sure all of them were loved and what had he done for her? Nothing except shout at her and make her life unbearable he realised uncomfortably. Had he done enough when Christian arrived? He knew that he hadn't, had he expected too much of her? Absolutely he had, had she given him everything regardless? He thought she had, had he given her everything in return? No, his mind had been elsewhere for months, most of the time in places where it definitely had no right to be and he'd had a wake up call of the highest order, the question was had he left it too late?
By daybreak he had many more questions than answers and he'd resorted to writing them down so that he could keep track, he'd made his way to Benny and Frida's with the intention of brokering some sort of peace deal but it was not to be, their house was dark and quiet with no cars in the drive, both Benny's and Frida's were gone and it was a dejected Bjorn that entered the Polar studios soon after. He could hear the sound of music and singing, recognising the start of the suggested tour set. He marched into the rehearsal space indignantly only to be waylaid by Lena who thankfully was dressed somewhat more decently although not by much Bjorn noticed absently, her nails dug almost painfully into his arm "morning Bjorn" her purr making a cold shiver run down his spine "Lena stop this!" he demanded "I don't know what you think is going on here, whatever happened that I DON'T remember was a mistake. I'm a happily married man. I love my wife!" Her smile just got wider "oh Bjorn. I know she's finally gone, it took her long enough to go. It took you long enough to see who was the right one for you" Bjorn was genuinely shocked and couldn't hide it "how do you know that?" his voice hoarse "I know everything" she whispered "I know we have to fly under the radar to keep the fans happy for a while, but soon they'll know who has you now" her smile became a little sinister Bjorn thought horrified "I look forward to that day Bjorn" she kissed him on the cheek before he could do anything about it and went up to the office looking smug.
Benny poked his head out of the rehearsal room "What are you doing skulking about out here? We've got things to do you know. You're late, Inger has been here since 8am" Benny paused and took a good look at Bjorn "oh ok you've been waylaid by Lena" he rolled his eyes "Jesus Bjorn can't you leave her be for a while? You wanted this ridiculous tour and now because of all your shenanigans we are so far behind. Regardless of how I feel about this tour Abba will not go out sounding worse than it has to. It's hard enough as it is" Benny went back into the room and Bjorn followed mightily stung by the injustice of Benny's assumption but then the thought that Anna must have been feeling just as he did now for months silenced his protest.
Settling at his stool he automatically looked for Anna to his right and his heart clenched again that she wasn't there, this was every kind of wrong and he knew it, everything was different and he didn't like it, Frida and Inger were together on the other side of the room and Frida was avoiding his gaze, Inger gave him a small smile and it took real effort for Bjorn to return it and Benny had moved the piano so that he was next to Bjorn, the piano created a barrier whether real or imagined between this new Abba and Bjorn's regret that had today been a nagging ache that never left him suddenly roared back with the force of a winter hurricane leaving him breathless. He went through the motions because he had no choice, he had done this but his heart would never be the same, Abba would never be the same. Inger sounded good but it wasn't right, it could never be right. Benny was doing his best to make it the best it could be and was endlessly patient with Inger and Frida took as much of the strain as she could but for all the use he was Bjorn might just as well have been a robot. He played everything asked of him mechanically, he had no input to give and yet again even though Benny was furious with him he became increasingly concerned about him over the course of the day.
By the end of the day when both Frida and Inger were exhausted and sung out they left leaving Benny to pack up with even Frida giving Bjorn a concerned side eye "I'll be back in a bit Frida" Benny murmured and she'd nodded silently very aware that something was now very wrong with Bjorn for he still sat unmoving on his stool holding his guitar as if awaiting further instructions, awaiting the next song to play. Benny cleared his throat "Bjorn, we're finished for the day, the girls have gone home. They are tired out" there was no response "Bjorn you can stop now!" Benny said loudly and yet there was still no response. Slightly impatient now because surely Bjorn must hear him he strode over and shook his shoulder "Bjorn!!" Bjorn didn't even jump he just turned and stared at Benny like he didn't see him, his eyes were vacant but held such a blackness borne of pain that Benny could actually see it and his heart softened and broke yet again for Bjorn "Oh my brother" he sighed taking Bjorn's guitar off for him, sliding it over his head and moving his arm for him "you've got yourself in an unholy mess haven't you?" He slid a comforting arm around Bjorn's shoulder and to Benny's private shock Bjorn turned into Benny and cried. It wasn't planned nor was it manufactured, it was just agonised grief, it was messy and uncontrolled and it told Benny everything he needed to know. Never had he ever known Bjorn cry in all the years he'd known him and he realised stood there silently that Bjorn had reached rock bottom "you love her" he said gently after a while "you fucked up but you love her" "I won't survive without her Benny" Bjorn choked out "I love my kids but I love her more, there's so much I didn't listen to, she was right to run"
Of all the things he could have said to Benny at that moment that was the one thing that had been furthest from Benny's mind "she was right to run" Bjorn repeated doggedly "she was right to call me out on my bullshit" "that isn't what she did Bjorn" Benny told him softly" "yes it's what she did whether she meant to or not. She has someone scaring her and I didn't listen, she tried to tell me but I didn't care enough to listen. She thinks I don't love her and that is bullshit of the highest order" he wiped his eyes with the handkerchief "but it is my fault that she thinks that, not hers, she thinks I don't love the kids. I didn't realize until now how much I do. You never should have been the one to see them grow and you never should have been the one she ran to" he grunted and sighed "but I'm grateful and at peace that it was you"
Benny stayed silent but for a squeeze of Bjorn's shoulder sensing more to come "she's running scared and I don't know where they are. No money is gone from our account, it isn't touched and she's been gone weeks, how is she living? What if she's ill? Injured? How is she managing the kids alone?" Bjorn's voice thickened with tears again "she was so sad, what if it's worse? What if I can't find them?" "Do you want to?" Benny asked surprised "what about you and Lena? You cannot expect Anna to cope with seeing you two, it's a lot of the reason she went, to give you a chance at a life that you want, with her here and in Abba and you with Lena it just won't work for her or for you"
Bjorn came off the stool with fury "how can you even ask me that?" he demanded furiously "because you gave her no fucking reason to stay, not one" Benny snapped "and she's given you an 'out' she's made it easy for you! You can't have it both ways Bjorn, but if course you being you can't bear her making a brave and wise decision and you want her where you can control her and she look after the kids and have Lena at the same time. Well you can't! She deserves better and I for one won't stand for it! She loves you so for the sake of her love for you and the love you had for her let her be! You didn't want them, any of them!" Benny's fury wouldn't be denied but for once Bjorn didn't rage "I didn't give her a reason to stay but I have a million I should have told her and a million I've thought of since. You say she loves me, well I love her just as much, probably more at this moment because she must hate me and I deserve it" he sighed and faced Benny "I don't want Lena, I don't know what I was thinking but whatever happened I don't remember it and it was a one off never to be repeated if anything did happen. My midlife crisis if that's what it was is over now believe me. My eyes are fucking wide open. I want Anna  back with me and I want my kids and I will scorch this earth until I find them. Then I will beg for the rest of my damn life. While I'm doing that I will find whoever it is that's chasing her and as you are my witness Benny the earth will not be the only thing scorched"