Because She Loved Him

What If.

If he hadn't known how he felt first thing this morning, he certainly knew for sure how he felt now. He was outraged after finding out that Lena was going on tour with them, she would be on the plane at Stig's request and that she would be accompanying them for the whole fortnight, there was some relief in knowing that Gorel was also coming nevertheless he struggled to hide his revulsion. Truth be told, he was horrified now that he knew at least some of what she had been saying to the press and he couldn't shake the worry that Anna had seen the reports, drawing her own terrible conclusions. As he boarded the plane he felt absolutely defeated and then when he settled in his seat felt a hundred times worse when he identified the gnawing of nerves and guilt in his belly as him missing Anna, missing persuading her gently onto the plane, the bargaining, her wrapped around him as they took it step by step, her glued to his side, trusting him. He flexed his hand, it felt empty without her hand gripping his so tightly that it made both their hands sweat. He remembered complaining bitterly about the extra work her fear of flying caused, what a nuisance it all was and that he had better things to do than babysit her. He winced at his thoughts, god he'd been cruel and tears stung his eyes but he blinked them back. There was nothing he wouldn't give to be able to turn the clock back and make sure those words never happened and to have her sat next to him here, right now, to have hold of her and shield her when the plane took off. He grieved the loss of trust most, he knew now that no one else would manage to get her on a plane, that she had been trusting him with her life and she had come with him regardless of her terror, that's how strong they'd been. Now his marriage was a smoking wreck and he was leaving her behind alone when it was the last thing he wanted to do.
As the plane took off he was the one beset by irrational fear, what if the plane really did crash? What if he died without her ever knowing that he loved her? What if he died and she was alone with the kids? What if he died without ever finding her? What if he died and she thought he'd gone touring with Lena by choice? What if he died and never set eyes on her ever again? What if he died and his children forgot him? He got an insight then, a real insight into the terror she felt on a plane and he was the one with a thundering heart, roaring ears, sick to his stomach and sweaty palms. He was the one terrified and it crucified him.
Once the plane had levelled out Bjorn was disturbed by movement next to him and his scowl was black when he opened his eyes but thankfully it was Benny "You ok mate?" Bjorn saw the very real concern in the eyes of his friend "no" he said honestly "this is all wrong. You shouldn't be sat there." Benny didn't take offence. "No" he agreed simply "but I'm afraid you're stuck with me for now" they sat in companiable silence for a while "why is Lena here?" Bjorn asked eventually "I don't want her here. Nothing happened between us Benny and if it did I don't remember it. That night is a blank, if anything did happen I did not consent to it, she makes me feel dirty" he tried to contain the shudder that rolled through him at the thought but he was unsuccessful and Benny saw it "are you serious?" he asked softly "whatever you may think of me Benny I'm not lying about this. I don't remember anything. I remember being at hers, I remember being on the sofa with her, I remember her giving me wine but I swear to you Benny I don't remember anything else until I woke up in her bed" he sighed and shut his eyes leaning his head back on the seat " I've tried to remember until it feels like my brain is bleeding and I know I'm a terrible man, an awful man and I've done some unforgivable things but I just cannot imagine that I would do 'that' with anyone else. Just the thought is horrific, surely I'd have some memory Benny" he implored "surely" Uncharacteristically Benny was at a loss "I don't know mate, I would hope so" "Where is she?" "she's up in front with Stig, nowhere near us" Bjorn leaned forward and looked at Frida who was deeply ensconced in a conversation with Inger and totally distracted " Benny I need to tell you something" Bjorn moved so that he was facing Benny more " I'm missing something about all this Benny. Once I got my head out of my arse and lost the ego, once I started realising what had happened something else did happen Benny to drive her away I know it did. I told you" Benny kept quiet because he thought the 'something' was baby shaped and due to make an entrance very soon now and while he was correct he knew that it couldn't possibly be what Bjorn was wrestling with so he settled in "spill it quietly" he urged "I couldn't bear to be in the same room as you all earlier" he shared "it was too noisy, too excitable and she was there. I don't know why but she makes my skin crawl, I can't stand her anywhere near me but she won't give up, she's everywhere I go and now she's here too. she can't work for Abba when we come back off the American leg Benny. I won't stand for it" Benny nodded "ok" Bjorn shook his head and got back on track "I went up to Stig's office and took a rest on the sofa then had a bet with myself that Lena had kept all the press shit she's sold about me, I haven't seen it I couldn't bear to but now I'm starting to wish I had defended myself. I just thought it would make it worse if I did but its awful Benny, none of it is true and if Anna sees it and believes it all, its indefensible. She's lying Benny, I know she is because some of the things she's said to prove her intimacy with me" he paused and cleared his throat uncomfortably "well they...well they just aren't true and could never be" "such as what?" Benny queried Bjorn groaned "intimate stuff Benny" he sighed "the things she says I 'like' the way I 'do' things, things about my body that are just plain wrong" Benny cleared his own throat "oh" he thought for a second " that's how you know she's lying" "Absolutely Benny, she is lying. She doesn't know those things so she had to lie to keep herself in the papers. I fell for it too. Benny I wouldn't lie to you, not now. I'm not that man the papers say, that she told them" The honesty in Bjorn's eyes was truly unmistakeable and Benny for the first time felt a full wave of sympathy for Bjorn "what do you want to do about it?" he asked "there's more I think" Bjorn interrupted "I can't prove anything yet but when I was putting some papers back in her drawer I found a pad of paper that was exactly the same as what the letters are written on, it is the same I know it is" Benny himself even went hot and cold "My god! Are you sure?" he questioned "pretty sure" Bjorn sighed "I didn't have enough time but it's the same. I need to check though" Benny sat back in his seat with a huff "For fucks sake" he muttered "that's crazy, bat shit crazy!" he put his feet up on the chair opposite and went into what Bjorn recognized as his thinking mode "it could explain a lot you know" he mused eventually "she set her eyes on you, she wants you and.." "I don't want her" Bjorn interrupted fiercely "I want my wife" "I believe you Bjorn, calm down" "Calm down?" Bjorn hissed "I am guilty as sin Benny and I am not looking for absolution. I may be paranoid and I may be seeing things that aren't there but Anna and Frida had issues with Lena from the very start. What if? What if she's the root of all this? What if she got rid of Anna? What if my ego allowed her to do all of this right under my nose?" he subsided "you think I'm crazy" he sighed "I am, this has all driven me crazy, to think I used to call Anna crazy" "I actually don't think you're entirely crazy" Benny offered "it makes sense to me but you and Anna did have issues before Lena's arrival though" Bjorn had the grace to look guilty "yes we did but they were tiny, nothing. We'd been through far worse and they were mostly my doing" "they weren't nothing though Bjorn, Anna really did struggle after Christian was born and you do know that somewhere inside you, then you told her that you had never wanted either of them. Then you fell out of love with her, that there is the root of all this as you call it. IF Lena has targeted you both and it is a big IF, all she did was take advantage of the situation you made" Bjorn squirmed "I hate what I'm hearing but I can't say that you're wrong for most of it but I'll tell you for sure that there's one thing you are wrong about" "and what's that?" Benny was curious "I never fell out of love with her and I never will. I will never understand what happened to me but it will never happen again" Benny snorted then chuckled "there's hope for you yet"

The silence between them was not uncomfortable for the first time in a long time and it must have lasted for over an hour "do you think she's ok Benny?" Bjorn asked quietly "it tears me apart leaving her behind" "she's strong Bjorn, she makes her own decisions, I'm sure she's fine" Benny replied "have you spoken to her recently?" Bjorn asked outright for the first time "Couple of days ago" Benny told him quietly "you never said" Bjorn mumbled unsure if he should be feeling indignant "you never asked" Benny pointed out not unkindly "we still don't know where she is" he got in there before Bjorn could ask again "when we get back from this Benny I won't stop looking" "and what about the European tour?" Benny asked "be damned with the bloody tour, we're stuck with this American leg. The European one can wait until I find her, the fans will understand. By the time we go on the European leg Anna will be back with us, Stig and Lena will be gone. I won't accept anything less" "and finally he has his head screwed on the right way" Benny commented acidly "Anna may not want to tour" he ventured quietly "she may not" Bjorn conceded "in fact she likely won't and I understand why. I'll accept it and I'll support her with her decision but she will be back with me and she will be back in Abba even if just the studio. I'm ok with that" "wasn't that hard to compromise was it?" Benny had a touch of sarcasm going on "that's what she begged you for. She loves performing and you know it, she just doesn't want to be away from the children for so long. It's fair, we will have to alter the way we do things anyway, if Frida manages to get pregnant we won't want to tour like this either" "we can do that" Bjorn agreed hopefully "or we find a way to take the Abba family on the road. We have money, we can do it." He smiled and looked straight at Bjorn "before she left she said that she thought Abba would be like the Rolling Stones and just keep going, it was what she wanted, not stop. She loves it as much as we do, we can change, adapt" "we can" Bjorn interrupted "we will" "I know. We will because when I spoke to her last she wanted to sing for us but I have nothing to give her. I hope she doesn't think it's because we don't want her" Benny looked worried "I did tell her I can't hear the music at the moment, it's true. I hope she believed me"
Bjorn was speechless "she wants to sing? For us? After everything?" he managed "it was always part of the deal mate, she needs to sing as much as she needs to breathe. I just don't have anything for her at the moment and I can't imagine the tour will inspire me " he rolled his eyes Bjorn subsided into his seat, his brain racing but he was also conscious of a tiny spark of hope "she will sing" he whispered to himself "she won't come home to sing" Benny warned "did she say that?" Bjorn asked and Benny pondered "in fairness she said that the day she told us she was leaving but nothing in her world has changed yet Bjorn so I doubt she'll come back, as far as she's concerned nothing has changed: "Everything has changed Benny" Bjorn objected "maybe so, your side but she doesn't know that does she? As far as she is concerned the last time she set eyes on you you were walking away from her hand in hand with Lena having just put a grenade under her world and blown it to pieces"

Bjorn winced at the memory "that is something that will haunt me until I die regardless of whether I ever manage to make this mess even halfway right, I need no reminding and if I get anywhere near forgetting or taking her for granted again then you will force me to listen to the recording of that debacle until I see sense. I hope to never hear it again" Benny answered firmly "there should be no doubt in your mind Bjorn that I will keep that reel for all our sanities" Bjorn snorted and had to grin despite the seriousness of the situation "I just bet you will, it'll be forever keeping me in check" "and your mind in the right direction" Benny added "did you bring anything with you like the paper? Or the letters?" "I bought the letters with me, I still think there's a clue in them, they are locked in my holdall" he indicated the holdall in the rack "I bought them with me so they are safe, I never want anyone to see them or for them to get in the papers. There's been enough in the papers" Benny nodded "perhaps, can I see them?" "Not here, I don't want anyone else seeing them for now and most especially not her" his last words ended on a snap "Ok, when we are settled we'll look through them together in the hotel room away from everyone else but Frida. Anna talked to her a lot about the letters and threats, she may have an insight if she actually gets to read through them" For the second time on this flight to hell Bjorn found a spark of hope "you think so? Frida hates me, she won't help" "she doesn't hate you. She loves you, she hates what you've done and she hates Anna not being with us but she doesn't hate you. She will help because she wants Anna back safe and well and so do I." Bjorn was humbled and close to tears "thank you" "this is going to be a team effort Bjorn, we will discuss all this alone then with people we can trust if we can make sense of it all" "Not Stig, not her" Bjorn's barely restrained panic made Benny frown "calm down Bjorn" "I don't trust him and I don't want her anywhere near me" Benny patted his shoulder "Bjorn we will get to the bottom of all this, she can't do anything if she's here with us and neither can Stig"
Bjorn turned haunted eyes to Benny "What if they already have? What if it's too late? What if I can't get to her in time Benny? What then?"