seashells - l.h

fourty seven

Doctors are telling me if he doesn't wake up within August to November they think it would be time to pull the plug on him. I don't think that's fair. His birthday's in a week and yesterday, Ashton spent his birthday in the hospital praying for Luke. He turned 21. He didn't go out with his friends, or the girl he likes. He stayed right beside his best friend.

I'm planning on going to New York a week after Luke's birthday to try and sort everything out. Check out a few houses, check out the community college there then come back with a plan. All I want now is for Luke to wake up so I can tell him about everything..I've been a total disaster..And I don't look the prettiest either. I feel like Luke's left a path of broken glass along my heart and I can't help but feel it digging into my heart even harder and it feeling even sharper then the last. You know that feeling when you get a splinter? I got a splinter about last week on the heel of my foot and I stepped on it and I screamed because of how bad it hurt. I sat on the outside step and lifted up my foot and saw it was sort of big. A few centimeters long at most. I can feel so many of those fucking splinters just stabbing my heart continuously to the point where I wanna scream and cry.

   I had been in the hospital for about three hours just sitting beside Luke's bed, staring at him..I remember what it was like to be in his embrace. I remember what it was like to be kissed and had him sneak up on me or how his breath felt against the skin of my neck..I remember the first thought I had in mind when I saw him. I remember the depth and beauty in his eyes. I remember his pretty little pink lips and the little piercing he had..I remember being loved...

            ....I just don't remember the feeling I had when he would tell me.

I would wait a million years for him to wake up and at the rate we're at, I don't see any improvement in the condition he's in, and neither do the doctors..I will never stop waiting for him to wake up.

"Hey, you okay?" Calum asked tapping my shoulder from behind. "Uh, yeah I'm good. Sorry." I said turning my attention to him. "Did I break you away from your train of thought?" He asked looking sort of apologetic. "It was a bad train anyways. I wanted to get off." I sighed. "No movement?" He asked pointing to Luke. "He's in a coma..no movement." I sighed. "Luke wouldn't want us like this." Ashton said. "What do you mean?" Cal asked. "We've been fucking moping for like a month now. Pretty sure Luke wouldn't want anyone to be sad over this. Especially you, Lily. He wouldn't wanna see you smoking and doing coke and drunk and doing stupid shit. I understand that doing all those drugs help you get your mind off him but you have two friends here, plus Michael who's at home, who can help you also. He wouldn't want us to be like this." Ashton repeated. "Well what the fuck am I supposed to do? Go in the park and sing a fucking rainbow song? He's DYING, Ashton. Wether he's listening or not, I can't do it. Knowing that we're having all this fun and he's in a fucking hospital bed by himself dying. It's not right." I said. "And I don't do coke or pot..it was a one night thing. The drinking and regular smoking..yes." I said showing him the box of cigs in my pocket. He looked at them and sighed loudly. "I feel like dying..I feel like I can't breathe anymore." I said pulling one out and stomping on it out of anger.

   "I don't know what's gonna into me." I said staring blankly at Luke. "I'm losing my boyfriend." I said tearing up. "It's getting pretty late..do you want me to drive you home?" Calum asked. "Please?.." I got up and looked over at Ashton who was tearing up staring at the floor.. "You look like you're about to explode." I said. "I FUCKING MISS HIM SO MUCH. I CAN'T ACTUALLY FUCKING BELIEVE THAT MY BEST FRIEND, MY BEST FRIEND COULD POSSIBLY BE ON HIS FUCKING DEATHBED JUST..JUST THERE." He screamed and cried. "Ashton please.." I cried and rushed over and hugged him tightly. "I miss him so much." He cried hard into my chest. "Please come over and sleep over for the night. I'm not leaving you here alone." I said trying to pick him up. "I'll fix you up half of my bed, some food, whatever you want and it'll be okay..what do you say, huh?" I picked his head up and looked at him waiting for an answer. "Okay..give me a second." He said prying himself off the chair and walking over to Luke's side and walking up to him. He leaned over the bed railing and gave Luke a kiss on his forehead. "Please come back, buddy." He ended it with a whimper and walked out of the room and into the parking lot where we would also meet up.