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By the time a week had passed, I was incessantly thinking of me and Jeremiah's untimely breakup—reminiscing everything we could've been.
By the time two weeks had gone by, I officially found myself drowning in a persistent depression. I couldn't find an appetite, any sort of motivation, and sometimes my will to live.
By the time three weeks had strolled along, time started to fly. Disassociation became a new habit of mine—preventing me to keep up with time. I almost couldn't believe it had already been three weeks.
Finally, by the time a month had passed, I started suffering.
The only thing shared in coming throughout these weeks is that with every single thing I did, I ended up crying while doing it.
I checked the time on my phone and saw that it was 5 am, and I still couldn't sleep. I forgot to mention how I strangely developed insomnia directly after we broke up. I even took it upon myself to take some melatonin, unfortunately, it languished.
I could tell Jeremiah was probably in just as much pain as I am. I vividly remember the look in his eyes the last time I saw him face to face, it was just as sorrowful as mine.
"Ugh! Fuck! I have to stop thinking of him." A reoccurring thought reiterated for the thousandth time. That was an impossible mission, thinking was unstoppable.
But seriously, I know Jeremiah is feeling my pain. After the first two weeks I started to feel someone clinging to me. Then I realized he was stalking me on social media and sometimes in real life. The one time I have gone to class, Jeremiah watched from afar until I got there, clearly convinced I didn't realize.
And recently, his cousin, or someone who claims to be his cousin, texted me off an unknown number, describing to me all of his significantly depressing changes. They said he won't eat, he appears as if he isn't getting sleep, and he refuses to attend any classes or practices—apparently getting away with the excuse that "he's sick". His cousin also mentioned that he was trying to reach me, probably because he sees that i'm dying inside.
I didn't respond; being triggered by Jeremiah's name and left questioning whether or not it was his actual cousin. Even if it was, how did they get my new number? After Jeremiah broke my phone, I kept everything the same on my phone except my number for a reason. I figured it would help me resist the temptations of calling him to make sure he's okay, that was false. I didn't realize I knew Jeremiah's phone number by heart, so no matter how hard I tried, i'd always remember it.
There are some days where I want to call him—only to hear his voice. I've even written several letters to send to him, they never got sent.
god i need help.
I laid flat in the center of Von's bed, both wishing he was here to keep me sane yet glad he wasn't so I could be alone. The things I felt for Von were extremely ambiguous and foreign. It wasn't what I felt for Jeremiah, it was fuzzier than that. I couldn't verbally explain it. Whatever it was, it was somewhat stronger than what I felt for Jeremiah.
