Forbidden Desire

[49] Love & Forgiveness

𝐒𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐚 𝐃𝐞 𝐋𝐮𝐜𝐚

Just when I think life can't get any more worse, it manages to prove me wrong every single time. Sometimes, it is so much more easier to just shut everything down around myself. I mean, why even bother with anything when there is nothing left behind?

The solemn and grim expressions on the doctor and nurses faces were a constant reminder of the tragedy I was going through. They thought of me as a basket case, someone who needs to be treated like a fragile glass without any regards to know how it may make me feel.

Another dull ache sparked up in my lower abdomen, not failing to act like the reminder of yet another tragedy that I was forced to witness.

I had an abortion. That is what the doctors informed me this morning when I woke up, followed by a series of practiced condolence of my loss. They said that the baby was a month old, the cause of death mainly because of the blood loss my body went through.

My eyes stung, heart heavy with the absolute feeling of nothingness. There were no tears left in my eyes to cry, completely dry and unfeeling. The invisible pressure weighing down my body was oddly calming, numbing down the turmoil of emotions I was going through.

I was carrying a baby. Not anyone's baby, my captor's baby. The thought convulsed my stomach in a twisted manner, burning my insides with remorse. It was nothing short of sickening how I was going through all this without having a single clue about the life present inside me.

The idea of pregnancy never fascinated me, which was one of the main reasons why I never settled down with the decision of getting married. I could barely afford the luxuries to take care of myself, let alone a whole another human being. So, the question of having a baby never came up in my mind.

But now, just at the mere age of twenty-one, I already got pregnant and an abortion. Was I the one to get blamed for this? Definitely. If only I didn't let him take me that night and played the situation a bit more smartly, none of this would have happened. No one had to leave this world because of me.

The dreadful truth of how three lives got taken because of my mistake felt like a punch in the gut, momentarily knocking the breath out of me. The walls around me started to close in, imaginary shadows erupting from the back to witness my downfall.

It felt like the whole world's weight was on my chest, pressing me down to prevent any air from getting in. I didn't make any movements to express my helplessness, just watching the shadows mock me.

I could see them. I could see lifeless eyes of the dead staring at me from across the room, hiding behind the curtains from time to time. My limbs felt too heavy to move, facial features too tired to even react. A headless man peaked from outside the window, his blood tainted frame glowing under the soft moonlight.