Forbidden Desire

[51] Dreamt

𝐒𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐚 𝐃𝐞 𝐋𝐮𝐜𝐚

The door to the garage started reeling backwards, echoing with someone's arrival. I didn't give it much thought, thinking it was probably Elliott leaving after learning that the world won't rotate on his wish and continued to ascend up the spiral staircase. Honestly saying, good riddance.

I slammed the door to my bedroom open, limping further near the plush bean bag resting around the corner and slumping onto it. My knees were hurting, so much that it even pained to move a muscle without getting tears in my eyes.

I knew I shouldn't have had put so much pressure on them and walked without the crutches, but everything about what he did this afternoon really messed up my mind. How can he even dare to think that he can earn my forgiveness after doing all this insanity? Does he really think that designing cute little rooms, preparing fancy lunches, sweet talking with me and bringing back a damn animal will change the fact I lost my only family?

Cupping my face in my palms, I broke down in tears and shut my eyes close to seek comfort in the darkness. He was gone. My Levi was really gone. The sweet and kind boy who always selflessly helped me through my problems and managed to cheer me up was gone and he was never coming back.

The bitter thought made my heart pound with agony and emptiness, knowing I will never get the privilege of hearing his voice again. I will never hear his dry dad jokes or his positive affirmations about how everything was going to be alright. He was the only person who helped me through my fears and anxiety, always patient and calm despite how bothering I could be at times.

I feel sick to my stomach, knowing he was not with us anymore. The fact that he was literally six feet under the ground right now, all alone and lifeless. My shoulders shook my loud sobs, feeling the deep guilt and pain in my chest weight down my senses. He wasn't supposed to get dragged into this mess. A mess which could have been avoided if I wasn't such a big goddamn fool.

If only that day I didn't run away from him, maybe Levi could have been alive today. He wouldn't be rotting away into nothingness while I suffer everyday because of the immense remorse I feel.

I feel dead. Every single day, I feel like a dead person who has nothing left to hope or aspire for. Knowing that my existence is the reason behind so many peoples death makes me want to unalive myself. I want nothing but to just pick up something sharp and glide it across my skin, just to soothe the aching in my heart.

I can't sleep, knowing all I will see is the terrifying images of blood and dead people. I can't eat, knowing I will throw up all the contents after an hour. I can't talk, knowing all the people I am surrounded by here are either associated by him or is him.

Why, God? What did I ever do to deserve this? I know I can come off as too useless and selfish sometimes, always wanting the best for myself, but isn't that what everyone wants? Everyone wants the best for themselves because they think they deserve it. Does that mean I don't?