Venting (cause why not)

*sighs*

Today was the same, but kinda rough

For starters, in Italian, my classmate next to me looked like she was going through a rough patch. I knew smth was wrong, but didn't want to bother her. Then my teacher noticed, and comforted her. Every second of them talking abt her feelings made me feel more horrible abt myself. I wish I can talk abt my feelings as openly as she can, but I can't. After they finished, in my head I was like 

Ur lucky, (classmate's name) I wish I could express my feelings as easily as urs with little problems.

Also, in Creative Writing, my teacher told me to write 3 chapters, each being 6 word memoirs of my stages of life: elementary, middle, and high school.

My life was so fucking boring irl (which is why I'm only so often) besides a couple of things, which were pretty minor. (I still didn't finish the assignment)

I felt so overwhelmed with emotions that when I sat on the bus, I just listened to music and tried my best not to breakdown right then and there. When I got home, I was in a mixture of hopelessness and anger, but I didn't break down. Instead, I put up a nice act to tricking my mom that I'm not a "sulking mess". As soon as I was done exercising, my mom was abt to leave to pick up my sister. She left, and I ate a couple of snacks since I was hungry. After finishing the last bite, I had this similar desire to just eat anything that I can in the fridge, but this time I refused that feeling and just crawled upstairs to my room. There I collapsed on the bed and just drowned in numbness. I felt so many emotions for so long that day that I tried to distance myself from them to prevent myself from facing another almost-breakdown moment. I usually felt this way everyday, but this one was different. The feeling was different...like it kept lingering and never truly went away like all the other times. 

My mind kept wandering off, and I couldn't focus on where I currently was. So I made a decision that I haven't done in a while: I grabbed the scissors, and rolled down my pants, and inflicted the hardest scratches that I could on myself. It's like cutting, but temporary, though depending on how hard u do it, it can sting for a bit, and they fade away after an hr or two. My thighs are more sensitive, and easier to hide, so I did feel smth when I did it. I did like 20, 25 scratches on both thighs before rolling my pants back up, leaving my room with my good old mask on just as my mom and sister came home.

Anyways they came back, I exercised (almost got into another argument bc I was rlly pissed), showered, ate dinner, and now here I am, drowning in numbness bc it's nighttime.

~The mask is gone~