TOF: 54

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Is this person I am right now the true me? Or are the true colors of this unknown self was hiding somewhere in a part of my body?


Someone asked me, "Have you found yourself?" and that gagged me up because that question was so easy-it's just a yes or no-yet I caught my tongue, unable to find the answer.

That question echoes and circulates through my system then realization stabs me. I scoffed then a thought ran through my mind, "How can I find myself when I don't even know myself not even a single thing?" Yeah, how? How could a single person find herself when they don't know their favorites, so how?


I've been thinking about it for a whole year. Do I have to do many things so I can finally find myself? Do I have to be committed to someone so I can tell if I am capable of loving a person? How can I love when I don't know if I love myself? Yes, you read it right. I DON'T KNOW IF I LOVE MYSELF.


I'm not stable when it comes to emotion. I get easily pissed. I can cry easily. I can laugh, yet not to my heart's contents. But you know I couldn't feel any emotions sometimes, like totally blank-I don't even know why-why it is happening to me? Sometimes, the feelings I express are fake which could lead to confusion for the people around me specially those who have been my supporters. I don't know why it's so hard to express myself.


I'm just really babbling here. I don't even know why I did this, LOL. But yeah, I don't know myself and I don't know the answer to 'Have you found yourself?' Maybe this year I will be able to find the right answer, hopefully.


gayi-i

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