Thoughts of Faye

TOF: 56

Was it really hard to like me?

That question echoed in my mind when everything about us, the things we did, and the memories we shared flashed back.

It was when I first saw you at Josh's party. You shine differently from others. Those brown and almond eyes were looking at me, making me feel so weak, yet my system was blazing with fire. I should have avoided those gazes. I should have not let myself be hypnotized by those eyes. I should have not talked to you. I... should not let myself fall in love with you.

"Lenie, meet Kyle." It was our friend who introduced us five months ago.

As our eyes met, our hands shook, and we both said our 'Hi's'. Right then, I knew. I have taken an interest in you. And from that moment, I held on tight.

"Good morning"

"Goodnight"

"Eat well"

"Take care"

and "Wanna go out?"

These were the daily messages, the constant buzz of his presence for five months. That made me feel so special. My thoughts were "Yes!" my heart screamed, full of joy. "Finally, I felt seen, loved, and heard."

I liked Kyle's company. My heart beats so loudly and fast when he shows the way he cares for me. I liked the way we exchanged thoughts and opinions. Every chance, we capture every moment we have—our picnic date, midnight trip, eating fast food, and nature trip. I love everything we did, and I know I am falling, completely and utterly, for Kyle.

That's how our ways went for whole throughout the five months, and I never felt this way before. But I know, these are just too good to be true, and I have to admit, he makes no effort. It's always me initiating everything.

As days passed blurry, I knew he was starting to lose interest in me. And that's where my thoughts and "what-ifs" began to consume me.

"I wonder what he was thinking when he was with me. I wonder if he's truly genuine all the time. I wonder what he was doing in his free time or most of the time not talking to me or not being with me. Does he like me? What if I'm such a nuisance to him? Was I asking too much?" These are the thoughts that made me question my worth as a woman.

The day came when I knew it would break me into pieces — Kyle and I lost connection. And I saw him flirting with another girl. I was stunned when I saw that, my heartbeat skipped for a while.

I almost cried, but glad I never did.

I turn back and swallow the pain as if it's nothing. "What's new, Lenie?" I told myself. "This isn't the first time."

And that's when life reminds me again, that not everything we hope for will be returned. Sometimes, it brings people who offer comfort, only to teach us that not everyone who makes us feel safe is meant to stay. Even the kindest intentions can be met with coldness. I know it's a lonely truth that not every connection is meant to last, and not every feeling is worth holding onto.

But maybe that's what life really is, a series of lessons in letting go. In learning that pain is part of becoming. And no matter how much it breaks us, we still rise. Maybe not stronger right away, but wiser. And for now, that's enough.

— gayi-i