To Live Again {Lord of the Rings/ThranduilXOC Fanfiction}

14. Romantic or Reckless?

"I have lost the Immortal Part of Myself, and what remains is Bestial..." (Shakespeare's Othello)

I vehemently protest to having the healers look at my face. I'm fine, it was only a slap and I'll live. Instead I dart through the King's halls and find Legolas, who is peacefully sleeping in his chambers. I clamber atop his bed and stroke his blond curls, shaking my head and shedding a few disappointed tears. I should have been quicker, I should never have allowed him anywhere near that insane elf. In these moments I vow to not be so stupid again - to go with my gut instincts and fight for him. No one will ever touch him and if they do it will not be his father they have to be concerned with, I'll kill them myself! In fact I am contemplating finding Ithril and doing just that, but reason kicks in and reassures me his Grandfather has a handle on the situation.

"I'm so sorry kiddo," I mutter and kiss his forehead, "I promise I can do better than this."

With a disappointed sigh I sit up and sense the presence of another in his doorway. I know who it is, and I turn to face the utterly devastated look of his father.

I manage a small smile for Thranduil in the hopes of letting him know I am proud of him, but it doesn't seem to be working. I slide off the bed and cross the room to him, and once I am within reaching distance he takes hold of my arm and pulls me into his own chambers across the hallway.

If I had of been paying any attention I would have noticed then that we were not the only ones in the dimly lit corridor, and I would have acted differently, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Once inside I stand quite forlornly in the middle of his slightly disorganised living space, and wait while he locks the door. He turns to face me with an expression I can only describe as shame and regret, and crosses the space between us in a few short strides; he then cups my swollen face in his hands to examine it. This only seems to make his mood worse, and he attempts to verbalise an unnecessary apology;

"It was just a slap," I laugh softly and grip his hand with mine, taking a settling breathe I decide to off load my guilt; "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to put Legolas in danger. I didn't mean to put you in that situation!"

"Do not even..." he hisses and shuts his eyes tightly as if trying to dislodge a thought; "Stop apologizing you did nothing!" He snaps and then opens his eyes and they're unfocused, hopeless even; "I could have hurt her and I wanted to hurt her...this anger...it is overwhelming, I do not understand it!"

"You wouldn't have hurt her," I try to quietly reason with him. His eyes are wild again with the same fearful confusion I have seen a handful of times before.

"Yes I would!" he hisses and grips my shoulder quite uncomfortably; "When she struck you, when she abused you, when she hurt my boy; I could not control the anger; I did not want to control it! Clara I enjoyed it and that frightens me, what if I did not stop? What would I have become?"

"But you did," I reply firmly and place my hands soothingly on his chest, "You stopped yourself."

"No, you stopped me," He cries and leans heavily into me, his forehead resting against mine; "If I did not have you I would lose myself...my mind...it is sick!"

"Hey stop this," I murmur and clasp my hands to his face, attempting to get his attention. There are real tears forming in his right eye and this is something new to me, he is never this vulnerable; "You are not going anywhere, there is nothing wrong with you!"

"No I am a beast I do not even recognize myself," he fights my comfort; he doesn't want to believe me. His eyes are wide with panic and my heart breaks for him, I don't know what else to do but kiss him. Not softly or in any way calming, but forceful, enough to shock him or distract him. I won't let him believe that absurd lie, he is not broken he is just healing; there is nothing bestial about him.