To Live Again {Lord of the Rings/ThranduilXOC Fanfiction}

23. The Heart of Me

I focus on folding neat lines. Nice neat lines, so that the tunic's all look so perfect and sit ever so neatly in the chest of drawers. It takes me forever to fold up Legolas' clothes in this immaculate way, but it keeps me distracted. If something doesn't fit right, or has a slight crease I'll remove it and refold it until it is perfect. I know what I am doing. I know I am keeping my mind preoccupied and busy with ridiculous things. I know this is considered slightly manic and I understand why Oropher is worried, but I just need time. It was quite an ordeal that I went through but I'm okay and more importantly Legolas is fine. Well maybe not fine but - like me - he is recovering in his own way.

It has been just over a fortnight since I was reunited with him and we have not spent a single moment apart. The first four nights after I awoke were the hardest. Legolas would not sleep properly. He would scream relentlessly if either Thranduil or I left the room, even for a second, so we resolved to stay together. It was a novelty at first - with all three of us crammed on his small bed, but it soon became slightly ridiculous.

With Oropher still recovering from his injuries, Thranduil was supposed to be picking up the responsibilities in his absence. Obviously with all that had happened Thranduil was not for leaving us, but logic eventually had to prevail. So with much fretting from him and a lot of assurance from me, that Legolas and I would be fine; he took his father's place in the ruling of the Realm. However all the sleepless nights and days spent worrying had not been kind to him, so I insisted he return to his own quarters to get rest and focus on the task ahead of him. I could look after our son; I was more than well enough to do that at least.

So that has been the ebb and flow of our days. Legolas and I stay within the family quarters close to Oropher. As much as the King appears well, he often becomes quite fatigued and I worry over him. Though he is fiercely independent and will not allow anyone to help him, so he will not allow me to express any concerns that I may have whatsoever. Mostly he drifts in and out of the vast rooms of his home appearing very much at a loose end. He will insist Legolas and I eat with him, and he attempts pleasant conversation with me at these times. It is early days but we are really making progress.

He is fascinated with my tale and although he does not ask questions specifically about my world, he will ask me about my upbringing and the people I would consider kin. He never really reveals much about himself, but he often brings up Thranduil's mother. Never outwardly saying her name, because this seems to bring him pain, but he will refer to her quite a lot in the course of a day. I can tell he misses her and wants more than anything to be with her, but he still feels responsible to Thranduil and to Legolas, and now me. He openly admits his wife would have seen the potential in me straight away. He insists that if she were here she would have been appalled at his indifference towards me, and I know he is harboring a great deal of guilt which he shouldn't. We all do stupid things in the pursuit of protecting the ones we love, even the wisest of us. I tell him this often and he just chuckles in response and says no more on the subject. I am glad we are bonding though, it is good for everyone.

I very rarely see Thranduil but he does return periodically during the day. Often he appears aged and overwhelmed, but again he says nothing. He just deals with it and stubbornly keeps all anxieties locked away. For me he is only ever pleasant and composed, but I see the stress in his face and the concern in his eyes. I would love to be alone with him, even just for a few hours, we need to talk. He will not touch the subject of my past and the one and only time it was brought up, he told me it was no longer a concern of his. I think he believes that this is what I want. I think he feels that I want him to forget and pretend all the horrible stuff didn't happen, or maybe that is how he is coping...I'm never sure?

Truthfully I would love to forget about my gruelling moment of captivity and my brush with death, but it won't magically disappear. I don't want to talk about it in any detail but it would help if I could just be with him. I want to take comfort in him and I want him to help me forget, but I guess that won't happen any time soon. What with his extra duties and Legolas needing my full attention, it just isn't the time to want such selfish things. I have made my peace with that, this is the price of my position and I know we'll see each other soon, when everything calms down...I hope.