What Love Feels Like

Twenty four | try not to care

Heavy - the Maria's

It's been raining all day, the sun completely vanished away behind the clouds, the gentle but loud pitter patter hitting on the ground, and I try- I try so hard to make that a reason to make my mood lift up.

But it can't.

How can it, when yesterday I found out everything that was finally going right in my life was never right? They just made it look like that for me.

Just like how the clouds cover
the sun so it shines less- it was temporary.

I feel terrible, sick, angry and sad.

So, so, so sad.

Shitty people don't have the right to make you sad. A voice in my head chimes in utter disappointment.

I have the urge to protest. They weren't shitty people. They were never shitty people.

Screw them the louder, angrier part of me says.

My phone lights up again. It's been doing that since I turned off my notifications last night because of all the texts and calls I was getting. From Noah to Jackson, from Jackson to Thea and from Thea to surprisingly Ethan.

Screw them.

My backpack that was thrown in a hurry in the corner of my room right after I came home from school on Friday, catches my eye. But it's not the bag itself that caught my eye. It's the keychain hanging on it that did.

I suddenly get this rush of anger in me that makes me get up and shove everything that was associated with him in a box.

Every. Single. Thing.

And I hope I can do the same with all the unwanted memories that have been going through my head rent-free.

~~~

There's clearly something I'm doing that's not like me, because my parents look a bit concerned.

I just play it off by saying that I haven't gotten much sleep. And that's not a lie, because I haven't.

My anger towards Audrey died down when I realized that I was just taking it out on her and she was trying to help.

As Jo March says: "life is too short to be angry at one's sisters."

Audrey's been there with me through every minor or major situation in my life, laughing at me if I did something stupid for a good long minute, and then give me an hour long lecture of advice me as damage control.

I really don't know what I'd do without her.

But you'll never catch me saying that aloud, ever.