helluva girlboss

short 4: orphan time

A Sinner came into Blitza's office where she'd been brushing her hair.

"Hey, you're the chick who kills humans, right? Good, cuz I've been holding a grudge against this asshole for 74 years and you have to help me kill him."

"That's me." Blitza put down the hairbrush and leaned forward in interest. "What did this guy to do you? Something diabolical and terrible, I assume, for you to hold a grudge that long."

"He stole my crush in high school!"

Blitza blinked. "He... what?"

"That's right." The Sinner went on. "Me and Frank used to be friends... not best friends or anything, just kind of friends since we were in the same classes... but we were both in love with the same girl. She was perfect, I tell you. Pretty, smart, friendly. Frank told me he didn't want to do any dirty fighting over this girl, he wanted to play fair and let her choose whoever she liked best. He said he'd respect her wishes if she chose me, and I should respect her wishes if she chose him. But then she chose him, and Frank just took her and got hitched to her! I did my best to convince the girl she was making a mistake, but she didn't listen, she said she would choose Frank over me any day."

But isn't it HER decision who she wants to be with? You can't force her to love you. Blitza thought, but she didn't interrupt her client.

"I never got over that girl. And I never stopped hating Frank for stealing her. Sure, I dated other girls and I even got married, but nobody could compare to my 1st love. I want— no, I need— Frank to pay for what he's done."

"So..." Blitza began, "you're asking me to kill this Frank guy because some skank you liked in high school chose him over you?"

The Sinner sighed. "Listen, I know this is probably the most petty reason you've ever had to assassinate someone—"

""The most petty reason"? Hah!" Blitza cackled. "Don't worry, brother, a while ago I had to assassinate a girl called Emberlynn because she wrote a fanfiction which got surprisingly popular about 2 characters who most people don't ship. And the TV show ended 5 years ago, but the other girl was still holding a grudge against her for it. That was fucking petty! This is... well, I wouldn't call it a good reason, but you're willing to pay, right?"

"Of course I am."

Blitza picked up her flintlock and cocked it. "As long as you're willing to pay, who cares? I'll take out this girl-stealer for you."

"Thanks!" The Sinner smiled. "Full name is Frank Wrigglers. He works at Hugging Dove Charity, and he runs a TV show for young children."

"Got it." Blitza said. "Just let me grab my employees and I'll go."

She exited her office, but then she remembered M&M were busy and didn't come to work. But Lunar was sitting at his desk. Blitza grinned.

"Lunie! Guess what? You're coming with me on a mission!"

The hellhound looked up from his phone, confused. "What? Why?"

"Come on, let me grab another gun for you and let's go!"

She got another gun, then grabbed Lunar's arm and pulled him into a portal. They came out in the living world, next to a building.

"Allright Lunie, today we're dealing with a children's "entertainer". Goes by... Mr. Wrigglers."

"Oh, I hate that sunshine and rainbows shit. These guys always turn out to be sickos." Lunar looked around, disgusted. "Where are we? His 3rd world sex resort? His slave-cult compound?"

Then Lunar notices the sign with an inscription "Hugging Dove Charity for Dying Orphans and Injured Puppies".

Blitza shrugged. "I just thought he would be really easy to kill, y'know? And then we could have the whole rest of the day for mommy-son time!"