helluva girlboss

short 11: i.m.p. training video

[I've been waiting on them to do the ass-ass-in joke. I knew they'd do it somewhere down the line lmaoo]

Narrator: Hello, and congratulations on your exciting new career as a contract killer for I.M.P., the Immediate Murder Professionals!

Blitza hangs up a sign next to her portrait.

Narrator: Founded by sexual seductress Blitza Buckzo, I.M.P is the number one imp-run business in the Pride Ring, probably.

The camera pans out to reveal a fake "TOP BIZNESS AWARD" sign, which falls off to reveal a certificate to Blitza for purchasing every single one of their horse plates. She holds up an employee of the month picture of Lunar, whose face is covered with a piece of paper reading "YOU!"

Narrator: And now you're going to be part of the magic.

Blitza sat in her office chair, back turned to the camera. But then she spun herself around and cheerfully slammed her open palm down on her desk.

"Hi, girl! Shit. Okay, just keep rolling. Yarr, me heartie." She slammed her head on the desk. "That's in fucking pirate! Okay. *clears throat* Howdy, new guy— new girl— them. I am Blitza, with the silent A." Millie puts up an upside-down sign reading "BLITZA <- SILENT UR NEW BOSS". "And I'm going to be your new boss now, 'kay?"

"Uh, ma'am?" Moxxie cut in. "They would have met you at the interview."

Blitza tossed a lamp at him. "Moxxie, just shut your fat fucking little— Fuck it, just keep rolling. Lunar will cut it down later."

***

In the meeting room, Blitza is speaking to the interns from "Mastermind", showing brand synergy, before handing out copies of an employee survey.

Narrator: At I.M.P, we lead the way in progressive workplace practices. Before your training begins, please make sure to fill out your required voluntary employee surveys so that we can make sure you feel seen and heard.

"I'm gonna need your gender, species, and sexual preferences cuz I want to make sure my workplace slurs land." Blitza explained. "I'm not some lazy bastard who just pulls slurs out of my butt, okay? I make sure my roasts actually make sense."

Narrator: Phew. Now with that bullshit out of the way, let's get to the good stuff: Training to be an assassin!

***

Blitza stood in front of a poorly-done greenscreen outline. The word "assassin" was typed behind her.

"Listen up, chucklefucks, it's time to teach you my foolproof method to becoming the perfect contract killer!" She said. "All you have to remember is ASSASSIN! We're gonna be doing those word things where the word stands for other shit, and all good businesses do it, and it's not fucking stupid, it's smart, okay, Moxxie?! It is professional, and we are doing it, so DO NOT ASK ME NOT TO—!"

Cut to Blitza actually doing the acronym thing.

"The first thing you have to remember is "ass"." She pointed to the first "ass" in the word as it highlighted itself. "That stands for assess. You need to assess your target, and that starts the minute a client talks to reception. Hey, Lunie, take it away!"

***

Lunar sat at the receptionist desk, scrolling on his phone. Then Moxxie came in. He wore makeup, a lavender sunhat, an elegant lavender dress, and carried a parasol.