helluva girlboss

short 9: it's chaz funeral

[YAAAAAAS MY HUSBAND CHAZ IS STILL KICKING! But at what cost? 😓

I lowkey hated this short. I love cheap gags (with a limit!) but this short fell flat.

Andrealphus isn't there in my version, cuz... no. Just no. That is so stupidly OUT-OF-CHARACTER for Andrealphus 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Some lines were suggested by Nightw2 on ao3]

Chaz dragged himself ashore, spitting out seawater. His face was throbbing like a motherfucker.

Crimson and his goons had beaten the shit out of him before shoving him off a cliff into the ocean. He'd been unconscious, but when the icy water hit him he regained consciousness and that's what saved him. Being a loan shark, of course he was most at-home in the water, so finding his way to shore was easy-peasy.

Chaz sat there with his forearms leaning on the beach and his legs in the water. His fangs had all been knocked out of his mouth. He hoped dentures weren't expensive because he was already in so much debt—

Wait. Debt. Everyone thought he was dead now, and debt didn't matter to a dead man. Chaz emerged from the ocean and walked up the beach to set his plan into motion.

***

Moxxie huffed as he looked at the Mammon Mortuary. He's lucky this place is far away from his childhood home, but it's still in the Greed Ring so he hated it.

"I'm usually one for wanting to be respectful, ma'am, but why are you making us attend this funeral?"

"Yeah. I didn't even know the bastard was dead." Millie said. "Though I would've been happy to do the job myself if Mox hadn't pulled me away that time."

"Yeah, that's another thing." Moxxie went on. "The mess with Crimson and his goons—as well as Chaz—was months ago. Why have a funeral now for somebody who's been dead for months?"

"Well, maybe it took that long to find the guy's body." Blitza shrugged. "Lunar and Starla are back at the office and will call us if a job comes up while we're here. I'm not one for missing a good funeral—it's one of the few ways to make sure the people you hate the most actually are dead! Also, we all got boned by this guy so think of it like family bonding~"

"Who even has a funeral on a Monday? Within work hours? I'd be surprised if anyone even showed up." Moxxie huffed.

They stepped into the Mammon Mortuary to find the entire area packed with tearful mourners from all around Hell.

Moxxie looked around, eyes blown wide. "Are you seriously telling me that all these people knew Chaz?"

"Hm. You reckon he slept with everyone here?" Millie wondered.

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't surprise me since Miss Loosey-Goosey herself is here." Blitza jabbed her thumb toward a seat.

Indeed, Verosika Mayday was attending the funeral with Ace and Josh, 2 of the incubi in her pop crew. But she hadn't fucked Chaz. She was only there to console Ace, who was crying.

"I don't wanna talk about my feelings..." Ace sobbed quietly. Josh just rolled his eyes.

Glitz and Glam were crying their hearts out with bodyguards beside them. But when the paparazzi showed up, they stopped mourning and posed for the cameras. Mammon was very strict on the sisters not to let the paparazzi capture any ugly photos of them. He'd be pissed if they didn't pose properly.