The Teacher

The Teacher: Part I Unchained, Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7

GOT HOME, WENT RIGHT UP to my room, and took a long shower. I put my head down and let the hot steamy drops surround and saturate my skin with soothing warmth that finally took the weekend chill out of my cold bones. Now I, too, found a place of complete peace where my only reality was the fantasy of being alone with Holden under a waterfall on an uncharted exotic equatorial island. When the stream ran cold, the spell was broken. I quickly toweled off, put on a toasty flannel nightgown I'd placed on a radiator, and crawled into bed.

Not at all sure what to do with the journal, I just couldn't sleep knowing it was in my backpack and might hold the key to unlocking the cell door baring entry to Holden's imprisoned heart.

It was hopeless trying to study. Unable to resolve the dilemma of whether it was right or wrong, I acted on impulse, ran to my backpack, grabbed it, and opened his journal to the first page.

It surprised me to both see that Holden could really draw and that there was no sign of his deep depression on the opening pages. His first entry was about a last-second goal he scored to win a big hockey game. Accompanying the copy was a comic-strip cartoon of the scene with Holden about to execute a lethal slap shot right through the legs of the hapless goalie.

Other entries and drawings covered lighthearted subjects such as experiences snowboarding, going out with his buddies, and some fantasy sketches and copy about a girl named, Diane, he was interested in...a cheerleader for the hockey team. Everything in his life changed on July 16th the day of the accident, and was reflected in the journal entry he posted while in Canada, at a summer hockey camp.

July 16

everyones dead im all alone

i cant be here anymore

im about to go off

funny how ill never see them again

Despite the shock of hearing that his parents and sister were dead, Holden took the time to express his grief through a surreal impressionistic drawing. I could sort of make out two cars colliding and some images that might have been the souls of his family members drifting up over the wreckage.

It was a disturbing drawing with dark figures—skulls, bones, and horned devil-like creatures also on the scene. According to his graphic interpretation of what happened, there were no angels to escort his loved ones to the other side. Three days later he posted another entry.

July 19

I was able to catch the first bus to michigan the ride gave me time to think I find it hard to sleep, but when I do nothing but nightmares cant eat or even think about food without feeling sick i dont even believe the funeral is tomorrow

This entry was accompanied with another grim drawing of four caskets surrounded by dark figures holding pitchforks. The caskets were placed over a deep pit. Instead of a Bible, the person holding his hands over them had a book with an inverted cross on its cover. Holden wasn't thinking heaven when he roughed out this painful image. His next entry came the day after the funeral.

July 21

I know somethings wrong I didnt cry and wasnt even sad just mad angry and I got more furious with every word from the minister about how they were in a better place what does he know I wanted to get up and leave but no one would have understood what I was going through or why quite a few kids from school were there but after the service I split out the side door couldnt face anyone what a joke

Along with this entry another drawing which didn't make any sense of at first. I looked closer and saw what appeared to be a heart at the center of the vague figures. The heart was disintegrating into formless random pieces, as if he felt that after death, there was nothing but emptiness and nonexistence.

I skipped up to his most recent entries from the first night of our skiing weekend.

December 15

was I wrong thought going on the ski trip would be better than spending the weekend with my aunt and uncle should have known I couldnt handle being around the other kids still feel so alone so isolated so different it was good to get up on a board again Id forgotten why I loved it so much it takes me to another place another world nothing else matters sweet sweet oblivion didn't expect to get hurt but I know Im not training like I should not sure what to make of Fallon why does she care why would anyone care

Well, at least Holden knew I existed. What was I expecting anyway? I could see from this entry that he was hiding his deeper pain by pretending to be all right during his lessons and boarding demonstration.

Then, I read his entry written the night I found him so upset in the woods.

December 16

I had to tell them like it was I just couldnt buy into all that religious crap as if they knew what I was going through as if they know anything about what a disaster life can be I had to get away from them all but when I ended up in the woods I thought I would never stop crying me I never cry sobbing like a baby sitting under that tree I didn't want to be alone, so I called out to the only other being I knew whod turned his back on God that great grand angel who had the guts to tell god to piss off I felt just like that, like Lucifer like I'd rather rule my own life, live my own way, live without gods interference than serve a god who would let my family die in a senseless meaningless accident I screamed out and felt a surge of energy flood in filling the emptiness that had been killing me the next thing I knew Id stopped sobbing instead of despair I was finally calm and feeling more secure than at any time in my life not sure what happened but something did I should know more in the morning

There was no turning back now.

I'd read his journal.

What actually happened to change him so?

What was I going to say when I saw him at school?

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