Dean went back inside to find Castiel and his brothers leaning on the table. They were smiling despite their awful situation and all Dean could wonder was how they were like this. How they weren't falling apart. Castiel looked up and flashed a small smile towards Dean. Not that he would ever admit it aloud, but Dean Winchester thought Castiel was adorable. The way he got flustered, or how he talked, even when he wasn't meaning to be cute, he was. His laugh and his smile had to be the thing Dean loved the most about him.
"Are you guys hungry?" Dean asked. Balthazar and Gabriel perked up, showing that the answer was yes without announcing it verbally. Castiel looked between his brothers.
"Yeah we could probably eat," he nodded. Dean was about to turn, "Here, I'll help you." Dean watched him stand and then lead him to the kitchen.
Dean started pulling out ingredients to make sandwiches; bread, knife, jelly, and peanut butter. "No allergies, right?" Dean questioned as he held up the brown jar. Castiel nodded and started taking out slices of bread. Dean stood next to him and took four of the eight pieces. Castiel started unscrewing the jelly jar. Dean looked at him, he seems pretty calm, probably because of the pill he took earlier. Dean wanted to know about his drug use, about everything that had hurt him to make sure it wouldn't again. Dean figured there was a better chance of him talking now than any other time.
"So, why'd you start to take the pills?" Castiel looked over to Dean. He was a little too focused on spending peanut butter on a slice of bread than he needed to be, probably milking the reason not to look at Cas. Castiel briefly stopped what he was doing, then returned to scooping jelly out with his knife. Castiel didn't answer for a short span of time and Dean thought he might've over-stepped.
"At first it was for the pain, obviously. They were prescribed, I didn't buy them off the black market or anything. But I guess when the pain faded I just wanted to be calm for once." The response was quiet, but Dean heard it just fine. He furrowed his brows and gave a short glance toward the other boy.
"What do you mean?" Castiel sighed. It was hard to explain, sort of, especially to someone who hasn't experienced anxiety like he had.
Calm was only a temporary state for Castiel. The pills almost made every feeling of dread he had disappear. He constantly thought of how he would mess up, or fail, or make a fool of himself. He lived in the future, wondering what was going to happen and worrying how he'd fuck it up, but he also lived in the past, thinking of everything he did wrong in his life.
"I don't know, Dean." That was the best response he could muster up. He went back to spreading the jelly. Dean looked over with confused eyes and a shaking head. What does that mean? He thought. After they spread a nice helping of their ingredients on two slices of bread they switched sides. Dean brought the peanut butter over to Castiel's side and Cas brought the jelly to Dean's. They began to spread the other ingredient on the clear slice of bread.
Dean started thinking about Castiel and feeling at peace with the drug he took. "You don't feel calm?" Dean's words came out awkward and slow, like he was thinking at the same time he was talking. Castiel paused.
"Well I do now." Castiel smiled as he returned to putting jelly on the half of bread that Dean hadn't smeared peanut butter on.
"But normally, like at school and when you're not high." Castiel shrugged.
"I guess. I don't know. I kind of just always feel anxious." Dean looked over, his eyes were wide with surprise and disbelief. He looked sad, but Castiel just shook his head.
"How long?" Dean asked, voice in an awe-struck tone. Castiel asked what he meant by that. "How long have you been anxious." He spit the word out like he hated it. Castiel wanted to tell him that it was just a word, that it couldn't be blamed for what Castiel had to face.
"It was always with me, but it got worse after we moved in with Michael, and after Crowley's gang started picking on me." Dean still seemed like he couldn't believe it. Castiel finished spreading the jelly on the slices, pressed them together, and then cut them at a diagonal. He leaned back against the counter and waited for Dean to finish what he was doing.
"Why did you move in with Michael in the first place?" Castiel lolled his head back and sighed.
"Our parents died a few years back. Michael wasn't eighteen yet though so we were all put in Foster homes, it was only for a few months. All of us were separated and none of us liked that, so when Mike was old enough he filed for custody." Dean nodded his head.
"Why'd you go?"
"We were alone -with other people. I think we all just wanted to be together again. We didn't know it would end up so horribly."
"But if he was abusive-"
"He wasn't." Castiel interjected, eyes reopening. "Not really, not at first. He would yell a lot, but he only started hitting when he was twenty one."
"Jesus, Cas..." Castiel shook his head.
"It wasn't that bad."
"Have you seen yourself? It looks like it was that bad." Suddenly there was a hand on Castiel's cheekbone. Castiel looked down and saw a pair of green eyes. He felt his breath catch in his throat. Those are the eyes I love. For a brief second of clarity he felt a overwhelming cloud realization. He had just confessed some of his deepest secrets to Dean. Why did I do that? But then his high came back and he didn't care, however a whole other feeling came across him.
Want.
He wanted Dean Winchester. He felt a need to draw him closer and lean against him, brushing his fingers through the others boys auburn hair. He wanted never to leave his side. To never leave where they were right now. He wanted this. A simple touch, comfortable and familiar (although of course this was one of the few times their skin has come in contact with each other's). He wanted to feel Deans freckled cheeks beneath his finger pads. Honestly, Castiel just wanted Dean, every part of him, good or bad. Now if only Dean felt the same way.
Castiel grabbed Deans wrist, bringing it down and away from his face. He savored the warmth of Deans skin in his hand for the second they touched, then dropped it, trying to act normal. He and Dean were growing closer, they might even technically be able to call each other friends, if not, they weren't just a tutor and a learner anymore. They were something else... and Castiel didn't want to ruin whatever it was with his emotions.
YOU ARE READING
Tutoring (Destiel)
Fiksi Penggemar"So, I know Mr. Shurley said this was for English," Dean spoke, making Castiel's stomach flutter. How could a voice do that? He thought. "But I was going to ask you to- uh-" he rummaged in his backpack and took out a crumbled piece of paper. "Do you...
