Tutoring (Destiel)

Chapter Forty One

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Dean...accepted.

Castiel had also accepted that Ash was in fact dead. They still couldn't believe that Ash committed suicide, it just seemed odd, especially for Ash. It wasn't even that he never seemed sad or depressed, it was just that he seemed...above everyhting? They didn't understand, they didn't even think they wanted to, but they had to.

Castiel felt stupid, like he should've been able to tell. He didn't understand how he could somehow bypass the fact the Ash was suffering. Castiel also didn't know why Ash sent him that message. Was he sorry that he killed himself? Was he sorry he didn't say anything?

Castiel didn't know.

Castiel felt like he was missing something that was right in front of him.

Dean adjusted better than Castiel did. He had gone through his own stages of accepting what happened and now he seemed...well, obviously saddened by the loss, but he wasn't breaking into Ash's house searching for something. Which was weird because now Castiel felt like he had to. 

And then there was Crowley.

How did he know about Ash? How did he know before me?

Castiel felt like he was in another life, one where everything just keeps going to shit; He must've been placed in the wrong existence a long time ago.

Dean was a constant in his life at least, everything he did was good. Nothing bad ever happened around him. He was safe. He was home. Dean also got closer to Castiel, or at least it seemed so after they found out Ash had died. Dean had cried, he had grieved, and now he didn't want Castiel out of his sight. Castiel couldn't tell if it was endearing, or weird.

The whole school soon found out after Castiel had. It was strange. It wasn't like movies or books or anything Castiel had ever heard about. There weren't people saying they knew him and thought that he was the best and strongest person they had ever met. Some teachers said something along those lines, but for the most part it was really only his friends that were saddened. Everyone else knew him as the kid who killed himself...which Castiel didn't think was fair, because in actuality Ash was one of the smartest kids at school, if not the smartest. He wanted people to love Ash like he had loved Ash... like Dean and Jo had. 

The only thing Castiel could think of was that blank whiteboard. Did Ash erase it? Was it one of his last acts? Did someone else do it? 

Why is Ash dead? 

For how smart Castiel was, he found himself not understanding a lot of things. 

The funeral was set for a week from the day Castiel found out about Ash's passing. Dean and Castiel were getting prepared, mostly emotionally. The counselors wouldn't leave the boys alone. Dean found it annoying, as did Castiel, but he also understood it was their job. Dr. Harvelle told Castiel he was being asocial, which could be a symptom of depression or even a possible suicide. Castiel thought it was ridiculous; he was as asocial before Ash as he is now. Dean said his counselor thought he was dealing with the situation well. 

Right now Castiel was laying partially on top of Dean. They were on the couch, watching some detective show, passing the time. Sam was on the other edge of the couch, which made less room for the other two two boys, although they didn't mind much. Sam understood what was happening with Ash, he sympathized, he was friends with Ash, or as close as he could be with one of his brothers friends. There was an age difference, a school difference, and their personalities were too different. Still, Sam was upset. He also seemed like he had something bothering him. 

Dean had his arms wrapped around Castiel, who was pressing his face into Dean's neck. The show had just hit a commercial break and Dean tilted his head so that he could give Castiel a kiss. Sam looked over and gave a frown. Dean noticed. 

"What is it, Sammy? Too much PDA?" Sam looked away without saying anything, then looked back. 

"Dean," Sam took a pause. Castiel gave a brief glance at Dean. Dean shook his head and shrugged, not knowing what Sam was about to say. "I think I'm gay." Castiel's eyes widened and he looked at Dean. There was a moment of silence, nobody said anything and Sam almost seemed scared. Suddenly Dean started to laugh. Castiel was confused and Sam appeared to be too. 

"Sammy, you're not gay." Sam looked surprised. 

"I think I would know, Dean." Sam returned. 

"You don't just like dudes. Remember that one chick you couldn't shut up about earlier this year? J something? The way you talked about her was not the way a gay boy would talk about a girl." 

"But...I mean...there's this guy...and every time I see him I want to like...hold his hand and maybe kiss him. Maybe." Castiel smiled and made an awe sound. 

"That's cute Sam." Castiel said. 

"I agree, that might just be the most innocent sentence I've heard from your mouth, Sammy. Also I'm not saying you don't like guys, I'm just saying you also like girls." 

"Yeah?" 

"You're probably bi, or something else."

"Oh, okay." Sam paused again. "Dean, I think I'm bi." Dean smiled. 

"Good for you, Sammy." 

The show turned back on and they all turned to watch. After a couple of minutes passed. Castiel moved to sit on top of Dean. "Did I tell you Gabe said he was bi, too?" Castiel asked Dean. Dean looked up and took in a breath. 

"No?"

"Yeah, it was a while ago. He felt bad because of Kali, but I guess he took notice of a guy and realized he wasn't entirely straight." Dean's eyes darted behind Castiel and he smirked. 

"Did he mention who it was?" 

"I had Balthazar find out." 

"And?" Castiel smiled. 

"Oh, well, you know, it's a secret." Castiel laid back down on Dean. Dean laughed. 

"Who is it?" Sam asked from the other side of the couch. Castiel looked over and smiled wide. 

"You should ask him yourself." He told Sam, then quieter he whispered to Dean. "I'm sure that would inspire a interesting conversation." Dean smiled and hugged Castiel closer to his chest. 

"I'm sure it would."