Tutoring (Destiel)

Chapter Twenty

Castiel woke up the morning after he went shopping with Dean. The first thing he noticed about himself was a weight in the back of his mind. He had felt it before, he knew what was going to happen- a panic attack...or anxiety attack...he wasn't quite sure what to call it, he'd never talked to anyone about; no psychologist or brother. He could almost laugh at the thought of telling hid brothers- whether it was Michel or Balthazar or Gabriel- he wouldn't want to, and he'd feel bad burdening them with whatever it was he felt.

The weight wasn't the actual attack, but Castiel knew it meant there was more of a risk of it happening. Sometimes it would just be there, a lingering feeling in his throat and behind his eyes. It felt like he was about to cry, and scream, and shake with panic- it felt like he was about to run away from everything.

He couldn't though, he knew he couldn't run.

Castiel took a deep breath and sat up on his bed. The feeling spread to his fingers, making him squeeze them into a fist to stop the the oncoming wave of vibrating (that was the only word he knew to describe it as, his fingers didn't physically shake, but it felt like they were.).

Dean was already up and changed into his normal clothes. He smiled at Castiel, and Castiel smiled back, weakly and only with the bottom half of his face. Dean didn't seem to notice the change of emotions in Castiel, or, if he did,  he didn't show it outwardly. Castiel got up and then went to change.

Throughout the morning (breakfast and getting ready/going to school) Castiel was wondering what was making its way to giving him an attack. Was it Crowley and Co.? Was it because there's a chance they can find me without Dean? Is it because I have to deal with Michael and our situation sooner or later? But all his answer were the same:

Probably...maybe...I don't think so though...actually I should probably be thinking more about this...

-

School fucking sucked for him.

He couldn't focus; the weight in his head was too distracting- although it started to lessen after first period, and stayed the same till his English class.

He was frustrated when he entered Mr. Shurley's class. All day he was looking away from everyone's eyes, and he was drawing more, and he hadn't said much more than a few words the whole day.

But Dean was in English with him.

Usually he would be happy, or excited, maybe even nervous, but now he was just... anxious. And he had been anxious all day. He was tired of being anxious.

It got worse when he saw Dean. He was siting in his desk, half listens to one of his friends as he looked towards the door. Dean was the first thing Castiel saw. His eyes connecting with the other boy's green ones. Castiel truly believed Dean Winchester was perfect...and he had him...not as a lover, but as a friend, one that he lived with! It was a lot.

It was too much.

The weight in his head got heavier, so heavy he couldn't look at Dean anymore; he just turned his gaze toward the ground. Dean noticed it this time, if he hadn't before. He was wondering what was wrong with Castiel, and how long this bout of weirdness would last. He didn't want to ask Castiel personally, he just moved in with them and he was still trying to get over everything with his brother, maybe he just needs some more time, Dean thought as he frowned and turned back to his friend.

Castiel didn't bother taking his things out. He wasn't paying attention, and it wasn't like he was even thinking about anything -he was just blank.

Castiel was staring out the window when the bell rang, he was so out of it that he didn't even realize Mr. Shurley was talking.

"The formative for 1984 is coming up!" Mr. Shurley spoke excitedly- he was a huge nerd, which is partially the reason Castiel liked him so much. "Don't worry, I'm prepared for failure." Most of the class laughed, almost everyone except Castiel.