I hope Y'all are aware that this story isn't complete and that there is barely an ending thought up as of now...please don't stop before you've crossed the finish line...
Castiel remembered what it was like to hear his parents had died. He didn't feel sad, or he didn't think he did. He was never very good at describing his feelings... or maybe he was just never that good at feeling. He didn't like that he didn't cry. Gabriel cried, but he was barley older than ten, and Balthazar stayed in his room as he tried to pretend that sobs didn't break their way through him every night. Micheal was nineteen years old and when he heard about their parents passing he raided their father's liquor cabinet and drank himself half to death. Castiel just kind of entered a zombie like state; it was like he fell into a sort of purgatory. He tried his best to clean Michael up, to get Balthazar out of their bedroom and Gabriel to stop crying for a little bit. It took a lot of effort, a lot that Castiel didn't realize he could posses in a time despair, but somehow he pulled it off and his family was relatively presentable by the time of the funeral.
Gabriel was the first to break the facade. He started crying by the time he made it up to the caskets, one glance at their parents painted faces and he almost couldn't stop. Castiel had to take him away, he wrapped an arm around his younger brother's shoulders, tucking Gabriel's head into his chest in a comforting manner. Castiel didn't look at his parents. He couldn't bring himself to do it.
By this time in his life he had discovered that, yes, he was pretty gay for a certain green eyed beauty. He thought God was punishing him; telling him to change his ways or else more wrath would come down on his family. At the funeral he discovered he was wrong. What God would allow a boy like Gabriel to suffer...and for something as insignificant as me deciding I'd rather be with a man instead of a woman? That isn't actually what he thought back than, it was more Christian and had a struggle evident in it, but looking back now that's all Castiel can bring himself to think of. What kind of God would let my family suffer because of me?
What God...?
None.
Balthazar was the next to break the mask of his neutrality. It happened later, after Castiel had wiped the tears from Gabriel's eyes. Balthazar couldn't place the carnation on their caskets. His hands shook and it didn't take long before he started sobbing. Castiel told him it was okay, that his parents were in heaven (although Castiel was still trying to decide if there was a God, if there wasn't he supposed there wasn't really a heaven, but he didn't mention that to Balthazar). Balthazar's hands balled into fists and he crushed the carnation. It was pink and meant "I'll never forget you" in flower language. Castiel had placed a red one on his mothers grave, the red meant "My heart aches for you". Castiel thought the phrase had a double meaning, one that was good in this type of situation, one that symbolized the loss they were all feeling, the one that tugged at their hearts. He thought the other meaning could be something one would say to a lover.
My heart aches for you...
Castiel still hadn't cried once, he had to thank distant relatives for showing up, except all of them were pretty old, none were even around his mother and fathers age. He suspected that they all must have been great aunts and uncles. There weren't a lot of them, Castiel didn't have a large family, it was mostly just his brothers and parents. All of the people at the funeral that were in some way related to him lived far away and had to fly out from other states. Some others worked with his parents, or were their friends. They all said they were sorry for their loss, or that their parents were good people, some even said their parents must have been very proud to have children like Castiel and his brothers.
Well, dad was proud of us. Was. I doubt he'd be proud of me when he found out I was gay.
Michael cracked after they went back home. He hadn't had a drink at the funeral, mostly because it would've been disrespectful, but also because he wasn't twenty one yet, so it technically would've also been illegal. It still is illegal, but it's not like Gabe, Balthazar, or Castiel would say anything. Michael drove them home, then went straight to the liquor cabinet (or what was left of it) and started drinking. Castiel sighed, it wasn't a surprise, he had a feeling Michael would do this when he came home, but he didn't like it. Castiel told Balthazar and Gabriel to go to bed, it was getting late and both of them had had a rough day. They obeyed quietly, climbing up the stairs. Castiel loosened his tie and sat down on the couch, flipping on a random television show.
Michael got through almost a whole bottle of whiskey before rushing to the toilet. Castiel followed him, hearing the last part of him throwing up before actually entering the bathroom. Castiel keeled beside Michael, he ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed his back. He's a fucking mess. Michael passed out on the floor next to the toilet. Castiel frowned and removed his jacket, balling it up and laying it under Michael's head. He sighed again and stood up, walking out of the room and turning the light off.
Castiel walked outside and sat back down on the couch. He barely registered that the T.V was still on. He was thinking about how his nineteen year old brother was a drunk, and how his younger brothers were probably dehydrated from how much they had cried, and him...he...he wasn't...he couldn't...feel...he was a fucking zombie. He couldn't think, he didn't want to think, he just wanted to...to feel...to feel sad that his parent fucking died. That he had no one left. That he had to stay strong because his family was falling apart. He was empty. Empty of everything. All emotions were gone and now he was sitting on a couch staring blankly at some stupid fucking reality T.V show...and...and...
Why can't I breathe?
Why am I crying?
That was the first time he had a panic attack. It was also the start of a downward spiral that lead to his family ending up where they were now.
Why couldn't everything just be like it was before?
YOU ARE READING
Tutoring (Destiel)
Fanfic"So, I know Mr. Shurley said this was for English," Dean spoke, making Castiel's stomach flutter. How could a voice do that? He thought. "But I was going to ask you to- uh-" he rummaged in his backpack and took out a crumbled piece of paper. "Do you...
