Move on (Destiel)

42. Dont cry for me

---------------------------------------- Cas' POV -------------------------------------------

Its been almost a month since I left the Winchesters, I try not to think about them but my heart hurts in a way I can't explain, like there is a hole inside of me, breaking me from the insides, I've been really bad, I've been drinking a lot, I started smoking remembering Dan used to smoke in my real life dream, every night I can hear his cries, he prays to me every second of every day, I can feel his weakness and its killing me but I can't do it anymore, I can't have him just to loose him again, I don't want to turn him into pieces, and even if I know I'm doing that I can bring myself to do it.

"Castiel? Are you dressed?" Said David, he was a guy I met two weeks ago in a bar, he was nice and had a Scottish accent, he is tall and kind of skinny, he is really handsome and likes me but, he is not Dean. "I brought breakfast!" He said and flashed his cute smile, he looked like a child and maybe in other life I could have loved him but not in this one.

I groaned as a response rolling in bed, he sat in the other side of the bed and kissed my forehead making me groan again. "Okay, I know you don't like me that way, and you don't like any kind of affection." He said, I could hear his mood lowering with every word.

'Cas please, I need you. Come back. I... I don't know if I can live without you.' I heard him cry, my mind filled with his throaty voice, he sounded so vulnerable and hurt. 'Cas Im sorry' He sobbed and I felt the connection leave my body.

I felt tears accumulating in my eyes, my throat tightening, he was so broken and it was all my fault. I swallowed my sobs and got up, David was long gone making the room bigger and lonely. I walked to the little freezer in the right corner of the motel room and took out one of my countless bottles of different kinds of alcohol.

I unscrewed the cap and took a long swing of whiskey. 'CAS! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! COME BACK NOW! I NEED YOU! I FUCKING NEED YOU, PLEASE COME BACK, PLEASEEEE I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU!' He screamed in my mind, I could feel his sadness through the bond, his pain and how angry he was. 'FUCK YOU CASTIEL!' He sobbed in my mind, it hurt a lot, he didn't call me Castiel since the start and I never thought he would say it that way.

I sat in bed and took swings of my drink, letting the time pass by, my only entertainment was the yelling in my head and the yellow wall in front of me. I knew this would go on for at least an hour so I cosed my eyes and fell asleep again, not caring about the growling in my stomach and the pain in my soul.

I woke up to complete silence, I was really shocked because every time I could hear sobbing, crying or him talking or screaming to me, but right now it was complete silence, it made me inpatient. I looked around thinking that maybe this was the first time he could sleep well in a while, and more than an hour or two, the only thing was I couldn't feel any of the emotions he felt lately.

I decided to go into the prayer radio and looked for the only voice that could tell me if something was wrong, but he wasn't here. I went into his mind and looked around, there was nothing wrong and he actually was asleep, I did a trick that was actually prohibited to angels, I planted a doubt and woke him up unconsciously, I saw his tall figure looking around confused and then getting out of bed scratching the back of his head, his long hair was messy and tangled, he walked quick to his brother's room.

"Dean?" He said looking around the room, the thing was that the bed was made, the room clean and the was no one on it. His eyes opened wide as he ran into the bathroom, it was empty too, Sam ran out the room screaming his brother's name, he was frantic. "DEAN! WHERE ARE YOU!?! JERK JUST STOP THIS!" He yelled, the fear noticeable in his voice.

I ran behind him, but of course he didn't know, I was invisible, this was just a projection of my unconscious. I saw him stop 3 doors in front of me, the door half opened, he opened and closed his eyes confused and you could see the second everything downed because his eyes closed for a second and he ran inside the room, I could hear his sobs. "Dean, Dean wake up! WHAT DID YOU DO DEAN?!?" He yelled and started crying and thats when I noticed the connection was lost, I couldn't feel his vitals nor his soul, I was paralysed a door away from all the noise, my eyes watering and my body sobered up alone leaving the excruciating pain fill my body. I didn't noticed it before because I was too drunk, and all this was my fault, if I could have felt the pain of loosing my soulmate before hand I could have done something to change it. I made myself walk into the room to see Sammy crying in the floor holding Dean and rocking him like a child, he was crying and singing Hey Jude to him, I could see him, he looked fine, he didn't have any scratch, he was just dead, beautiful as ever but dead, it was morbid and the saddest moment of my whole life, I instantly swapped myself in the room but now in my body the pain petrified me, it was like breaking every bone of your body, someone ripping your skin of and every single most painful thing in the world all at the same time and worse.

"Dean?" I sobbed and Sam shot me a look of pure hate, I fell to my knees sobs leaving my lips but not a single tear left my eyes, I was sad, frustrated, hurt, and a hundred other ways, all this was my fault.

"YOU FUCKING TWAT! HE DID THIS BECAUSE OF YOU!" Sam yelled, he was completely red, his eyes boring holes in my body, and you could drown with the venom in his voice. "I wish he never met you." He whispered and hugged him closer.

I started at him, shocked and tried to crawl to him, I sat next to him feeling his eyes on me. "I couldn't come back." I whispered and pressed two fingers to his forehead to show him how I was feeling back then and now, he screamed and got away from me quickly. "Thats what Im feeling right now so please stop making it worse." I said taking Dean from his arms and pressing him to me. "Why Dean? I left for you to have a normal apple pie life. I just wanted what was best for you." I sobbed and this time tears fell from my eyes.

"I... " Sam babbled and I shook my head, he stood up and left the room to call for an ambulance.

I took Dean's hand and tried to interlace my tigers with his, but there was a little ball of paper on it.

Dear Cas,

Im sorry, I couldn't stand this, I couldn't stand living without you and knowing I could do nothing to save you. My mind was killing me and honestly tho last months were hell and I know they were for you too. Im sorry, I love you.

Dean.

----------------------------------------- A/N -----------------------------------------

Here is the other chapter, probably I'll be uploading on weekends and if I get the time in the week too, Im sorry for this chapter, I love you.

BTW IM SO HAPPY IN MY NEW SCHOOL AND THERE IS THIS GUY I LIKE AND IM REALLY HAPPY I JUST UGH BECAUSE HIS IS TALLER THAN ME but Im scared of commitment and i don't know what to do because Ive known him for a week and my friends say he likes me back and what if we know each other more and start something Im scared, just thinking about relationships makes me cringe and long therm god no! So Im totally scared right now, god ugh and they say he is romantic and shit, what Im going to do with that, im really closed and not commitment and I UGH. BTW IM SO MAD BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO MISHA!

-Fer xx