Dear Reader,
So as many (well all) of you know I'm a freshman in high school and I'm having a really hard time with it right now. The reason I'm writing this is because I need to vent and you'll find out the reasons in a bit.
You see freshman year is always hard, but most of the time you have people who go into it with you. Well, I don't. It's not that I didn't have any friends before this. I did, but they just disappeared. The friends I though I would have forever are fading. They just don't care anymore.
Any other friend I have that does care doesn't have any time for friends not in their activities. So in retrospect I'm alone. Alone in a way where I feel alone in a crowded room.
They say freshman year is always hard, and damn they were right. I hate this feeling. This feeling of aloneness. I hate it because I have no one to turn to, but I'm always there for others. It's sick and twisted that I allow this but I'm in a hole right now. I just need someone. Anyone really.
I need someone who is there for me even though we don't see each other. I need someone who wants to speak to me. Not just when it's convenient for them, but when they want to talk to me. I'm not expecting to talk to someone all the time but I do want at least one person there for me.
I've been really struggling with a lot these past few years and it may not seem like a lot to some but to me it is. I've fallen into a hole that I don't know if I can ever get out of. One where I need other people to feel good about myself. One where other people's opinions of me are more important than my opinion of me. It's a hole I never thought I'd fall into.
You know everyone see me as this happy, upbeat, and confident person that I'm not always. People always tell me how confident I am and how they wish they could be like me. The thing is it's all an act I put up. I'm not confident. I never have been sure I have my days but I'm never confident all the time. I wish I was. Believe me I kind of hate myself, and certain things about myself. I hate how I let people walk all over me. I hate that I'm not super pretty. I hate my hair and how uninteresting it is. I hate how my eyes are so boring and dark they're basically black. I hate how I see myself. I hate how no one notices I'm like this.
And no for everyone thinking this no it's not a suicide letter. I promised myself I would never do that and I would never forgive myself if I did. I just sometimes I can't take how I feel and it upsets me that I'm like this but hey I'm only human.
So until next time (hopefully slightly happier). Sorry this is so short and not grammatically correct I'm doing this on my phone.
Sincerely,
your writer.
YOU ARE READING
Dear Reader
Non-FictionThere's a lot more to life than what people lead on. This is my story. Come along for the journey. trigger warning: contains mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Do not read if you are sensitive to that content.
