Dear Reader

Chapter 8

Dear Reader,

So to most people I know I come off as a very happy and upbeat person. What most people don't know about me is the way I see myself. I will see myself from anywhere fro next to perfect to completely worthless and suicidal. It's very drastic, and I know some people have it way worse than I do, but sometimes that doesn't matter. Other people don't matter sometimes. Right now I just got screamed out for being "negative". My dad screamed at me for saying something not particularly positive. I get that being negative is not the best thing to be, but it was not only true but sometimes being negative is who I am. My dad even said that my mom is negative. So basically what I'm trying to say is that my dad is subconsciously trying to change who I am. This has happened a lot actually. I'll accidentally forget to do something because other things are more important or I'm just busy and my dad will start screaming at me about how I forgot and get so mad I start to cry out of being mad and being scared. I know this may just sound stupid, but to someone who always is looking to impress and be good enough for their father it really is a lot. Now I'm a teenage girl, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm the best person in the world, that's kind of a given. So when I normally get yelled about things that I can't change I start thinking. These thoughts aren't really healthy for me as a person. I start thinking that maybe this world would be better without me. That maybe I don't belong here. That I don't have a purpose. Now having role models like Dan Howell, Mitch Grassi, Kirstin Maldonado, Shane Dawson, and more it really helps. Because most of these people have gone through the same thing. Dan is a big one that helps though. Dan always seems to not only be very real, and not afraid to be himself, but also is constantly reminding his fans that you are worth it. That you have a reason to be here. So when I was trapped in a car earlier being yelled at for not being a certain way, and not having the best thoughts I simply just thought of Dan. I thought of Dan and found at least one person who I'm sure would miss me. It may not have been my parents, but I'm so happy that I'm positive that I have a best friend who cares. My friends are some of the best people I've met. They make me feel wanted and never make me feel like I don't belong, and I love them for it. They're a huge reason why I'm not gone yet. Sure I may not talk to them about this, because I feel that this is something that I need to go through by myself until I feel I need the help, they still make me feel so wanted and never ever make me want to kill myself. When I think of reasons to kill myself the very first thing that comes into my head is the promise I made to myself. I promised myself that self harm and suicide are not the way to do things. If you are someone out there who self harms or is thinking about suicide please just know that there are better ways to deal with this. Please talk to someone or find a way to express what you're feeling. Trust me it helps. So basically I promised myself I would never hurt myself on purpose and never kill myself. These are hard sometimes because of the way the feelings I have get to me. I'm naturally very hard on myself. To the point where I will break down with stress. It's a very bad habit but it's just what I do. I always need to be the best I can be. So when my dad yells at me because I'm saying that what I did wasn't good enough and is yelling at me to change part of who I am it hurts. It sometimes hurts to the point where I think of cutting or suicide. Sometimes I don't even think of the promise I made until I'm seconds away from actually cutting. I have yet to break this promise and I honestly hope I never will. There was a time during break that I was sitting with family have a good time and we had just got to my cousin's house when I set my phone face down, and all of a sudden my uncle starts to ask about my favorite band. Then somehow it turned into my entire family making fun of me. All because of how much I liked a band. I felt so small and worthless I wanted to run off crying and never return. To just think that my family the people you're supposed to relay on most had basically turned into my bullies. It made me feel like I really was worthless. Like I truly didn't belong. To be completely honest I feel that way in most places. Like I don't belong and that I'm out of place. It's a sad thing to say but it's true. Now my life is just beginning so the hardship has just stated. I'm not sure where my life will take me, and I'm really scared as to what will happen, but isn't that the point. To not know what's ahead and just live. I know that this one wasn't really the best written, but I write when I have intense emotions I need out. So because I needed to get all my sadness here is yet another chapter. I don't know if I'm ever going to get over this or get over feeling as if I'm not worth it sometimes, but I know I'll always have my friends and an empty notepad if I need them. So to end this I just want to tell any of you who have the same thoughts that you are worth it. That you deserve to live. If you don't believe me go to youtube.com/danisnotonfire and see for yourself you might even become a fan. You are worth living for, and I love you all. Just to let you know if any of you have twitter my dms are always open there. My username is halseyftptx if you don't have twitter you can comment on here or dm me here. I'd be happy to listen to you if you ever need it. Now I must say my goodbyes. So I will see you next time, hopefully on a much happier note. 

Sincerely,

your writer.