Dear Reader

Chapter 13

Dear Reader,

So a lot has gone on in the short time since I last wrote. I finally fully relapsed into sadness. Just this morning I was shaking and crying because I couldn't take the thoughts I had. That seems ti be a common theme now a days. That I over think things, and cry until I either can't cry or start getting a headache I'm in so much pain. Of course there are things that calm me down. I normally listen to music. I'm a little unstable right now so I'm listening to Is There Somewhere by Halsey. It's a great calm down song. Sometimes though the things I normally use to calm myself down don't work. When they don't work I'm just stuck overthinking and just crying until most of the pain goes away. That's the thing though. Not all of the pain ever goes away. There is always some pain left over. There always will be pain. No matter what I do. It's the sad part of life. No one is ever perfectly happy. Yes, you can be pretty damn close, but there is always something holding you back from that perfect world. It may be a sad way to look at life, but some things are just sad. 

Last night I had promised that I am never going to fall in love ever again. This may seem very random and sad but I see it as safe. My past experiences with love aren't the best ways. They all end up with me getting hurt. My first love I'm pretty sure never loved me in the first place. He just led me on. He acted like he cared for months then the second things got hard he left. He left because of something stupid I said. Something I regret to this day, but maybe if I hadn't said that my life would be different. Everyone kept telling me that he was bad for me. That I would get hurt. Stupid me I guess. I believed him when he said those things to me. I believed him when he told me I was beautiful, that he cared about me. When in reality I was nothing. That I'm not beautiful, he never cared. Then there was my second love. To this day I still don't know if I ever actually loved him to start with. Weather it was more of the wonderlust of a new relationship or if the love we had was true. Either way what he did to me still haunts me to this day. You see I'm a very insecure teenage girl. The fact that he left me for another girl just made it worse. It still is something I hold against myself to this day. Something my mind uses as an attack on me when I'm at my weakest. The thing about this second love is that he didn't come with a warning. He was a good guy until that day he told me he was leaving me for another girl. It crushed me. It made, and still makes me, feel as if I wasn't good enough. That he had found someone better than me then got ride of me the first chance he got. Come to think of it I use almost anything to convince myself I'm not good enough.

I never felt like I was the best at anything. There was always someone who was better than me. Even when there wasn't I always played myself  down to the point where I felt like there was. I even do it with the people I love the most. People are always liked better than me. I never really had a best friend before. I always told myself I did. In reality they always had someone better than me. I never had someone who cared about me enough to get past what I'm saying. The words I say aren't always what I mean. No one really understands that but me. Even my friends now, though they are amazing, they can't always tell when I'm broken. Sometimes even when I try and tell them it's like they can't hear me. I'm just slowly breaking. Cracking slowly until I finally break. I haven't quite reached my breaking point yet, and I'm hopping someone notices that I need help. That I feel so alone in a crowded hallway. That I just want to escape. I don't want to die. That's not how being suicidal works. Most people commit suicide because they want to escape the pain. I'm drowning here and I need someone to save me. I just need someone to notice. Yes people know some of the story, but no one knows all of it. No one but me. No one knows how my parents treat me. No one knows how that just makes me feel worse about myself. No one knows that I hate myself more and more because I can't seem to meet my own standards. That I hate almost everything I do. I just need someone who wants to know. Right now it seems like I'm alone, and that's what's killing me. Slowly but I'm almost to my breaking point. So if there is one thing I need you to hear from this it's help. Help please. Please just try and pay attention to the people around you too. If you see your friend is acting different ask them please. You could be the thing that stops them. 

So all in all I just need someone right now other than myself. I'm sorry for being such a burden with this. I just don't know how else to cope. It can be hard sometimes, but I'm trying.

I'm trying not to let it show, that I don't want to let this go.

Sincerely,

your writer.