Dear Reader

Chapter 17

Dear Reader,

So lately I've been thinking, and it's been good thinking. I just realized that I'm scared. I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared of my feelings. I'm scared of being different. I'm scared of people. So really this is just about how sometimes I get a little intense with my emotions and my family wants me to start going to therapy, or like counseling. Just to try and control how I feel and to help with the suicidal thoughts. The things about that is though, I'm scared. I don't want people finding out. The thing about teenagers as while they can be very open minded and accepting they can also be some of the most judgmental and cruel people. I already feel like in school I don't belong, and then add going to what almost seems like anger management it's just a lot. Then you can add my sexuality to the mix which isn't the most known thing in the world. Most people don't even believe bisexuality is a thing let alone pansexuality. I haven't told that many people that I go to school with in fact I haven't even told my parents. I've been meaning to tell some of my closer distant (if that makes sense) friends. As for my parents that's another thing I'm scared about. I don't know their thoughts about this whole thing. It's not often that we talk about sexuality. My dad can be very judgmental and that really scares me. I'm scared of not being accepted or being told that this is a phase. I'm scared of not having a family anymore. I'm just scared that if I tell them it could all go negative. It's just all very scary. As for my friends I just don't know how to tell them. I know they would all be cool with it. They accepted my best friend being gay so why wouldn't they accept me? I'm just so scared for the future. I'm scared that the thoughts will come back and they'll be worse than they were. I'm scared of what people think of me. I just feel like people always like someone better than me. I'm just scared of everything. For the most part I'm okay with being scared. I mean it's hard not to be scared of what's to come. It's just a lot. I'm scared of love. I'm scared of falling for someone who doesn't love me. I already kind of have feelings for a girl who is straight, and it kind of hurts. I mean yeah we're friends and it's kind of like puppy love without the love. I just like her but not enough to be too hurt or not be able to talk to her. I still talk to her and it's all fine we're still friends. I just I'm a little scared of that happening and it being more than a tiny crush. I'm scared of unrequited love. I've already had it happen once I don't need another heart break. I'm also just scared of not finding love. Like I have so many options yet nothing, it's not even just that I mean it's not like I'm attracting anyone anyways. Every single person I've liked this year has never liked me back. I mean it's not like I've ever been a real magnet for boys or girls. It's always just been me. All my friends were flirting with boys while I was just there. Everyone is always more interested in my friends. It's nothing big I guess. It all just gets a little scary. I guess the whole world can be pretty scary. I don't know what I expected either. I knew life wasn't rainbows and lolipops. I knew that life wasn't easy but I didn't think it would be this hard this early. I never imagined being a suicidal teenager. I never imagined being anything but straight. I never imagined any of this. Yet I wouldn't have it any other way. All of those things are just a part of me I am not just my thoughts. I am not just my sexuality. I am not just one part of me. I'm all of those things and more. I am an athlete. I am a student. I mean a sister, a daughter, a friend, a teammate, and so much more. I guess this is just life's way of giving me a good kick in the ass. The universe's way of telling me that there is more to come. Yes, it may suck now but that doesn't mean anything. Life will always go on. I know I'm scared of what's going to happen but someone out there has a plan. A plan for me. Something to keep me going. A way to make things better or worse. There's one quote that I really like. It's, "everything will be okay in the end and if it's not okay then it's not the end". I always tell people that when they're going through a hard time. It's one of the things that keeps me going. I recently was listening to the song Light In The Hallway by Pentatonix and it finally made me feel calm instead of making me cry. It's a lullaby about just being there. I would recommend listening to it when you feel like giving up or you just feel like you need to be calm listen to this song. I would know when I say that it really does help calm you down. If it is in a healthy way I also would recommend just thinking. Now when I say in a healthy way I mean that if you are having suicidal thoughts you need to try and avoid thinking or try and think of the things that make you happy, but if it's kind of like this, at least I think this is healthy, where you are discovering things and just figuring things out please continue. It'll be good for you. I guess there's just a lot going on with me right now and if I'm being honest I'm really scared of what's to come but I know that eventually it's all going to work itself out. I just need some time and some courage.

Sincerely,

your writer.