Dear Reader

Chapter 19

September 3rd, 2016

Dear Reader,

So after this little bit of an intro paragraph this chapter is gonna be a bit different. So basically the context of this is kind of what I want/what I wish I said. So this is dedicated to people that will not be named but if it's them it'll be pretty obvious that it's them to the people I know or to the people themselves. So here we go I guess.

dear best friend,

I love you to bits and pieces so much so that it scares me a bit. I could go on forever about how much you mean to me but that's not what this is about. I can feel that we're drifting apart and to be honest not only do I hate it but I'm scared. I'm scared I'm gonna lose you and be lonely again. We both know that our friends would choose you any day over me. I just don't want to lose you or them. You've meant more to me than any other person ever has. You're the reason I'm still here. I know you would never mean to hurt me but I feel like we're drifting apart and we all know how the story goes. So if we do end up not being friends by the end of this year just know that I love you and always will. You made me who I am today and I couldn't have asked for a better friendship. You gave me experiences and memories I will never forget and I couldn't ask for more.

Dear first love,

So you turned out to be a complete dick. Loving you was one of the worst experiences of my life but you know what it made me stronger so thank you for that. I honestly could go on on and about how much I honestly and truly dislike you but this isn't about hate. If I'm being honest right now I'm kind of glad we didn't work out. For one I found out you're a Trump supporter so that's an automatic deal breaker but there is another reason trust me. You kind of had that bad boy persona I guess except you weren't the hottest. You did drugs, you had sex, and you played girls. You just screamed bad time but somehow I fell for it. I honestly am kind of glad I didn't learn from the first time you hurt me either. You taught me how to be strong and how to say no. I had said no to you the second time. You made me stronger and realize that maybe the bad boy isn't the path for me. You helped me get that tougher skin that I never would've survived freshman year without. So I just want to say thank you for breaking my heart it was truly an honor and I was happy to return the favor a year later.

Dear dad,

Dad you're kind of an asshole. I hate the way you treat me and how you think my mental health is less important than my busy schedule. Now I know I'm supposed to be really sappy right now but to be honest you're just an asshole. You make me scared to be who I am. I don't want to be scared of that anymore dad. You never seem to understand how I work. Like you always think that getting straight A's is easy when in fact you were a high school drop out. I understand you want me to have a good future but you always yelling at me to be little miss perfect isn't helping. I'm not stable. Just pay attention more. I get that you're my dad but just take a few steps back. No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I'm not looking for one. Just take a step back and let me live my life. Let me fail and succeed on my own I don't need you like I used to. Also just stop making fun of me in general. I hate it when you say things that are meant to be in a "kidding" way but actually hurt. I'm human I have flaws and one of those is my huge insecurities. I just need you to understand that I'm not just a work horse I'm a human and I'm supposed to be your daughter.

Dear mom,

I just wish we had a better relationship. I love you more than anything but you feel very distant and I guess that's where I get my shy and cold side. I just wish we were both more open and talked to each other more. I'm so jealous of my brother because of your relationship with him. I feel like the less loved child. I know that's probably not true but just between the way dad treats me and our lack of a relationship I just don't feel loved. I know this sounds ridiculous but I guess my mind is a bit ridiculous. I just want you to talk to me more. There's so much I want to tell you.

Dear mom and dad,

Mom, dad I'm pansexual. I know you probably don't understand what that is but basically I like boys, girls, women of trans experience, men of trans experience, people who identify as asexual etc. Basically I love for love not for gender. I know this is a bit weird but I just needed to tell you. Now this doesn't define me just because I'm coming out doesn't mean I'm just my sexuality. It's a part of me, a big part of me but still a part of me. I just needed to tell you all my friends know and you are kind of the last people who I need to check off my list of people to tell. There's also the fact that yes I'm always on my phone but that's because I have friends on there. I have a bunch of Internet friends who mean the world to me they make me happy and they know me just as well as my friends in real life do. They live all over the country and the world but they still connect with me like my friends I have here do. Then there's my future. Listen I'm fifteen. I have a few years before college is here and honestly I can't wait. I hate it here. I hate the people who always somehow find a way to stab me in the back. I hate being trapped in this house full of hate. I hate being trapped in the most boring place in the world. I just want to explore the world. That's not really practical in your eyes I know but knowing different cultures and visiting different countries is what makes me happy. Speaking of happy I know I'm not very happy. I just need time to figure out who I am and just be loved. I know I'm not the perfect daughter you wanted but I'm me and if you can't accept me mental disorder, sexuality, dreams and all then I don't think I'll be coming home much from college and enjoying having three kids instead of four.

Dear my brother,

Listen I know you're a fifteen year old boy and it's not cool to have a sister but come on I feel like you hate me sometimes. Just learn how to treat someone better then I'll be your sister. While you're listening I'm pansexual and earlier this year I went through a very tough time that not only lead me to discover that I'm suicidal but that I need to go to therapy. So there you know the truth. Your sister is a freak I know. Don't worry if you hate me I'm two steps ahead of you kid. So anyways can you just stop always saying you're better than me I know you think that I'm fine because you're fooling around and I know you are but it still hurts. It hurts because I know it's true. You always seem to be better than me at everything. You know how to get people to like you while I sit in the shadows. You have always been better at sports and you've always been more memorable. Teachers and kids in our grade always seem to remember you more often than not. Even my friends always liked you better. I know that I'm a freak to you but hey I'm your sister. You aren't stuck with me that much longer trust me the second I can get out of here I'm going to. I hate it here. I just hope you take what this is into consideration.

Dear old best friend,

Listen I understand we weren't meant to stay friends forever but you could've kept trying. I was left with no friends for the first almost month and a half of freshman year. It felt awful and honestly didn't help me later that year. Just know that I don't care if you hate me, honestly I'm not your biggest fan, but you don't need to hate on my current friends. You say that because I hang out with them I'm weird now when in reality I'm me. I was never myself around you. I think that was the hardest to understand. That I wasn't me when I thought I was. That I hadn't known who I was until you were gone. Honestly all I have to say to you is fuck you. You were kind of a shitty friend and I can't believe you were my best friend at one point. I just don't understand what I did wrong to make you drift so fast. I guess I was too "weird" for you. Well have fun being little miss popular.

So if you haven't already noticed my life is pretty fucked up. All I can say about right now is I'm just numb. I'm just going with the flow. I honestly would never say any of these things to their faces no matter what. I'm scared to stick up for myself and speak my mind. I guess it's just one more thing to worry about. Anyways I start therapy soon so hopefully I'll either be on here less or more. You can pick which you'd want on your own. I guess I should go to bed it's around 12:15 am and I have to be up at 7:30 so I guess bye.

Sincerely, 

your writer.