Dear Reader

Chapter 18

September 1st, 2016

Dear Reader,

So today I had another breakdown. It wasn't pretty. I think I cried for two maybe three hours straight. So as you can tell my sophomore year is off to a great start. I just lost it today I guess. I guess I've been pretty scared lately. I've been scared of change. Recently there has been a lot of change in my life like I moved teams for softball, I also figured out my sexuality over the summer and am becoming more comfortable with it, and then I also start therapy soon. I think that last one scares me the most. I know I should be happy that I'm getting help but the idea of telling a total stranger things even my best friend doesn't even know about me is scary. I'm expected to open up and they're supposed to fix me. It's just all very scary to me. As for my new team I really like them it's just very different because I don't know any of them. I guess I made 9 new friends. Then there's the whole school thing. School itself is going fine I mean it's school, but the things going on with my friends is making school so much more difficult to get through. I feel like I'm losing everyone and I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to have a repeat of freshman year where I was alone for the first month of school. I'm scared that the people I've opened up to and almost depended on will be gone. I just can't go through that again. My entire friend group is very distant now and I hate it. It's almost like we're strangers again. I hate everything about it. I can't just blame her but one of my friends happens to be in a relationship and while I'm super excited for her and I'm so happy she's happy I feel like it's making us grow distant. Now I understand they want to spend time together, but we haven't hung out since I don't even know when. I'm just scared she's going to leave me like the last time my supposed best friend did when things got like this. I'm so scared of being alone and with my newly discovered I guess mental disorder I'm even more scared to be alone. I'm scared that one day I'm gonna snap and finally do it. That being alone and feeling like I don't have anyone will finally make me snap. I'm scared of new people too. So the mixture of not having any of my few friends in any of my classes it's really hard on me. I'm not as mentally healthy as I feel I should be. I just don't feel I should feel this way when everything is perfectly fine. I guess I'm just really scared of change. There's just a lot going on in my life. I still haven't come out to my parents and each day I get more and more scared to do it. I'm scared they'll think it's a phase and when I bring home a girl one day they'll be surprised. I'm scared that they'll hate me after I tell them especially my twin fifteen year old brother. I'm scared that him being the fifteen year old boy he is won't like me anymore. My brother and I may not be the closest siblings but we have our moments. I'm scared that will end once I come out. I'm even more scared that I'm not "gay enough" to be pan. That I don't like girls enough to be considered pansexual. I'm just full of insecurities. Attached to my insecurities comes me being possessive. Not just in relationships but also in friendships. I understand that my friends can have other friends and I feel awful for feeling this way but I get almost jealous when I see I've almost been replaced. That's another thing I'm scared of. I think I've been replaced. I don't think I have a best friend anymore. I'm just so tired of people liking others more than they like me. It kills me. For a solid hour I just cried because I didn't feel good enough. I thought why is she better than me? What did I do that made me not as likeable? It just feels awful to know you weren't good enough, and I felt like that for almost three years I don't want anymore. It was just a lot to take in I guess. That I wasn't someone's number one anymore. I just feel so trapped right now. I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble and it's not popping anytime soon. That's what scares me. That I'm trapped. I'm trapped in Illinois for the rest of my life. I just want to leave and explore the world. Live somewhere that isn't the Midwest. I want to get out. I'm also so scared for the future. I'm scared for college. I'm scared I won't be good enough. I'm scared I won't even get accepted into a college no matter where it is. I am just so scared for everything that's about to happen. I'm scared that I'm growing up too fast. I mean I get my drivers license in about seven months that's scary. There's just a lot I'm scared about and mostly I'm scared I'm not gonna be good enough again. I went through this twice I don't need a third time. I just don't want to be left alone with no one to love me. I don't want to be like I was at the beginning of this year. That was probably the lowest I've ever been. I thought about suicide almost everyday of those three months and it was the worst thing I've ever experienced. Then when I was finally happy this happens it's like I just can't win. I would just like to say that I'm sorry for all of this I know this is mainly just me complaining about my problems that seem almost theatrical to most. I'm sorry for this and before any of you say it I do know that people have it worse than I do, but personally I hate when people say that. I know that is a bit hypocritical but I hate when people say that because your mental health is more important to you and the people around you than the starving children in Africa. Now I do understand that both are very serious and important issues that need to be dealt with and are both awful in their own ways, but I feel your mental health is most important. It's just I'm basically posting on the Internet about my problems and I don't know it seems very self centered. I guess this is just more of that self doubt thing. Anyways this has probably gone on longer than it should have. Just a warning this next sentence is a bit hypocritical but oh well. Just know that I love you and that you are worth staying alive and you are worth being here and you are good enough I believe in you. So I'm going to end this here goodnight lovely people.

sincerely,

your writer.