Dear Reader

Chapter 15

Dear Reader,

So at this point that I am typing this not too much has really happened. At this very moment I'm feeling a bit numb. I don't feel sad nor do I feel happy. I just don't feel anything really. It's a weird thing to say, but things haven't been going up nor have they been going down. The only thing I'm really concerned about is losing my best friend. I know that she would never just drop me like that, but she has a girlfriend now, and she's been hanging out with this other girl, and whenever I'm with them I feel so out of place. I know it's normal for her to be making friends and I'm happy she has a girlfriend, but sometimes I just feel like I'm alone. I feel like I really don't have anyone to go to. I just feel alone in a room full of people. I know I shouldn't and that I was really making progress with my life, but just something about this past month or so just doesn't feel right. It might just be me that's the problem though. I'm the one who gets jealous. I'm the one who doesn't see what others see. I'm the different one. I know it's good to be different, but I hate it. All I want in life is to belong somewhere, and I've learned that being different isn't how that happens. When I'm different from my family they all ignore me, and talk to others. When I'm different from my friends they leave me. It's just a big cycle that basically ends with me alone. I know this is very dramatic, but this is what goes on in my head. I'm crazy really. Completely insane. 

Don't get me wrong I'm happy but, sometimes being happy isn't enough. I constantly feel a weight to be the best I can be and to be honest I don't know what that is. I don't know how much farther I can push myself before I break. I'm already so close to the edge. I just don't know how to feel anymore. I don't know what it feels like to not be in pain. Whether it be physical or mental pain I'm constantly in pain. I can never get a break can I? It seems that way. 

When my family tells me to "get over it" when they're talking to me about this type of stuff it really is harder than they think. When they seem me cry they think it's because of what had happened. When in reality it's me thinking about how much of an idiot I am or how much I fucked up. Honestly I'm scared. I'm scared I'm not gonna amount to much. I'm scared I'm gonna be alone one day and that one day will turn into forever. It's just hard to think that maybe there won't be a future me. Like maybe one day I'll finally snap and just end it. I don't know when or even if that will happen, but I'm kind of hoping it doesn't. I like life. I love the people I have in my life, it's just me that's the problem. In short terms I hate almost everything about myself. I just don't know how to stop anymore. 

Sometimes I look back at 2014 and just wish I was there. I was so happy and so young. A lot had happened in 2014. TRXYE was released, I had just started becoming a full on fangirl, I was still young enough to think that the world had a lot of good to it, it was just a peaceful year. Now in 2016, while it's been an amazing year so far, has been very weird. I've had so many lows this year, and it's only May, yet I've had so many highs. I just don't know what to do.

I'm honestly hoping this year will be the year I learn to start loving myself more. Later this month I'm seeing some of my favorite people do their live stage show. I'm hoping that will keep me happy for a while. Then in July I'm seeing Halsey for the second time with two of my best friends. Then hopefully later this year I'm going to see Pentatonix live. That's just a hope as of now. Anyways, I'm hoping that with all that's happening I can learn to love myself as much as I love those people. 

Sincerely,

your writer.