September 12, 2016
Dear Reader,
Sometimes I just wish I had depression. Sometimes I just wish I could label what I'm feeling right now and have it be justified. Sometimes when people asked what's wrong with me I could just say I have depression but I don't. From what I know I don't have depression and not that that's not a good thing but I just wish I could have a label to what I'm feeling. I guess I do have a label I have called myself suicidal to some people but there is so much baggage to that label. I just want to have something to help me try and fix whatever this is. Just like I can label how I feel towards other people I wish I could label this. There's just so much floating around in my head and just so much going on in my life it's hard to keep track of it all but if I could only label what I feel. I just want things to go back to when I didn't even know what depression was. I wish I could go back to when I wasn't uncomfortable with anything that had to do with suicide or depression. I wish I could go back to when things were better but I'm here now and I guess I'm stuck. My grades are kind of reflecting this as well. I'm slowly starting to do less and less homework on the year that really counts. This is just the worst time to breakdown again. Someone just help me. I am going to therapy but if anything I'm getting worse I'm just so used to bottling everything up and now that I have to let everything out once a week it's kind of taking a toll. I guess sometimes you have to get worse to get better. I just want to stop feeling bad every time I eat more than I should or whenever someone says even just one thing bad about me. I just want to go back to when I was naive enough to think I was fine. Back when it was normal to get sad every once and a while. Back when I never thought that this would happen to me. I just don't want to end up dead but sometimes I feel like that's the only way out. That I'm so alone and it's all just too much. Like I don't belong here because I don't fit certain standards. I just want to belong somewhere. I just want one week to go by that I don't get a headache because I've used all my tears. I just want to be happy. I want to know what's wrong with me. I want to not feel bad when I get sad or get in one of my moods. I want to be more open with how I feel and not be afraid to cry in front of others or even just tell my friends when I'm having another breakdown. I want to get better but I feel so much pressure from others as to how I get better that it feels like I'm getting worse. I feel the pressure that grades must be perfect. I feel the need to come out and not be scared anymore. I just am so trapped in my own mind that it makes some of these things almost impossible. Just tell me how I can fix myself and I'll do it.
For anyone else who feels like this this is almost like saying you aren't alone. You can message me and we can get through this together we can get better together. For anyone who feels the need to come out do it at your own pace. I know I've learned that if anything even if I'm still in the closet. Just stay strong be you and don't be scared.
Sincerely,
your writer.
YOU ARE READING
Dear Reader
Non-FictionThere's a lot more to life than what people lead on. This is my story. Come along for the journey. trigger warning: contains mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts. Do not read if you are sensitive to that content.
